{A Little Part of Me That You Can't Ever Reach}

You know, there is a huge amount of depression inside of me that is ready to explode. Maybe it has already been years since i knew this guy but i couldn't do anything for him.

Oh my God, you're reading it right. I just mentioned a guy. The guy that always makes my heart fluttering. The guy that whenever someone shouted his name, my heart ached. The guy that made me thump when he showed up.

J. A.

It stands for... Jin Akanishi. I never understand how can i love him so much if he's not the perfect portrait of my ideal type. I liked his songs, everything of him actually. But the thing is, i couldn't do anything from here. I would gladly bought his albums or even DVD IF THERE WAS A PRE ORDER FROM INA. I would happily registered for Jip's (his official fansclub) IF HE ALLOWED INT'L FANS TO REGISTER. OMG it's truly depressing. There was zero percent probability for him having a world tour here. Even finding his fans here is difficult.

Maybe it's because his fans tend to act calmly and individualistic. They are just like me, never had a thought of making an unofficial fan account. So... here I am. Still waiting for any miracles to happen.

Have you ever listened to his musics? His recently released album was titled Mi Amor. He even uploaded the PV. What do i think about the PV? Weird. He always used a weird concept for his comeback, but i enjoyed it. My senses are already blinded by him, so there is no reason to not loving his works. But seriously it's weird, his PV. He was going naked with laser guitar and dust everywhere. I remembered it well that there was a kiss scene there. The couples just kissed passionately, maybe it symbolized the meaning of the song. The song, Mi Amor itself is unique. Jin always came up with a brand new concept for his song WITH HIS SENSUAL VOICE ABSOLUTELY. He knows exactly his point that there is a great aura of sensualities inside of him. His body language, his expression, and also his voice are the most erotic thing that a human can produces. So eros.

His music is just like himself, exposing his sensualities and full of eros. No need any porn and just listen to my music, i think this is what he wanted to say. Eargasm, yes, he could make you feel it.

That One Last Time song told about an ambiguous situation when a couple had a fight. I don't really know if i get it wrong or right, but i feel eros by listening to it. So is Lenny J song. Lenny J told about a situation when a man interested with his GF's sister. You're such a bad boy, Jin. Why... why you always do this to me? Letting me have a wild fantasy everytime i listened to one of yours.

Maybe the only neutral song that he ever made is Ai Naru Hou e. I believed that song is made for his daughter, because it also released right after his daughter is born. I can feel his fatherly love by the lyric. You see, even though he has wild aura inside and been living a live-as-he-wanted, he is a family-oriented man. At first, I never believed seeing his interest to children and how much he said that he wanted to have a child. Now you already had it, right? She is so cute, your daughter Theia. You see, I'm happy as long as you're living happily.

Bakanishi, just look at your depressed int'l fans here. I want to be an official Jip's too, you know. Here, hold me. Because you already know it, there is no one that could hold me but you.

God, this must be weird. Whoever read it will see me odd, but who cares. They can't even have a chance to feel it the way i feel to you right now. They just don't understand. And i don't matter of what others see as long as i have you, right?

[Muse] One Last Time

#np One Last Time by Jin Akanishi

"Then tell me who the hell is Natalie??" Zoey meneriakiku persis di depanku.

"She's nobody. Mengapa kau menyebut-nyebut namanya??" nadaku mulai meninggi. Awalnya aku tidak mau bertengkar.

"Kau tidak suka? Kalau begitu mengapa kau masih berhubungan dengannya??" dia masih berteriak.

"Zoey, please, we can talk calmly, right?"

"I'm holding my anger, you know, until you confess to me," jadi teriakannya tadi masih belum luapan amarahnya?

"Apa yang harus aku bicarakan kalau aku memang tidak ada hubungan apapun dengannya? We're just talking. Mengapa kau bersikeras menuduhku selingkuh? Kau takut kalau aku selingkuh karena selama ini kau yang selingkuh, bukan??"

Zoey membelalakkan matanya.

"Siapa Nikolas?" Tanyaku.

"Astaga, Jake," dia memanggilku. "Nikolas adalah mantanku dan hubungan kami sudah benar-benar berakhir sejak lama,"

"Kami, katamu??" emosiku juga meningkat setelah terpancing olehnya.

"Jangan mengalihkan topik, kau masih belum mengakui hubunganmu dengan Natalie!!"

Aku tidak bisa menahannya lagi.

"You don't believe me?" Tanyaku.

"How can I?"

Aku sudah sangat lelah karena hubungan ini hanya berisi perkelahian dan caci maki. Walaupun sebenarnya aku tahu bahwa kami berdua saling mencintai satu sama lain, tetapi perasaan itulah yang membuat aku dan Zoey terlalu buta untuk menyadarinya.

Aku berjalan menuju kamar.

I'm packing my bags cuz' the journey is over...

• 
  

• Ya, kalau akhirnya seperti ini, aku sudah tidak peduli. Bukan karena aku memang memiliki wanita lain, tetapi tinggal dengan wanita yang sama sekali tidak mempercayaiku membuatku gila.

• 
  

• And we were never good enough for each other...

• 
  

• "Ya dia adalah selingkuhanku, we even slept together! Kau sudah puas? Ini yang kau inginkan bukan? Kau menginginkanku untuk pergi dari sini, bukan??" aku menyeret tasku sambil membanting pintu kamar.
• 
  

• You put me through hell every time that I tried...
• 
  

• Aku sudah tidak tahu apa lagi yang harus kulakukan, Zoey. Meskipun aku dan Natalie hanya bohongan semata, kau membuatku begitu berharap bahwa semua itu nyata. Kau memaksaku walaupun kau tahu aku hanya mampu melihatmu di kehidupanku.
• 
  
• Mengapa mencintaimu sesusah ini? Mengapa kita tidak pernah bisa hidup dengan damai dan saling percaya satu sama lain?
• 
  
• Tonight I'm gonna make you pay one last time...

• 
  

• Aku bisa melihat matamu sekali lagi. Kau menginginkan ini. Amarah yang kau kumpulkan akhirnya bisa terluapkan begitu hebat. Kau selalu percaya pada satu hal yang membuatku tidak pernah bisa mengerti dirimu.
• 
  
• You always thought that break-up sex was the best thing in our relationship, huh?
• 
  

• You ain't gotta be shy I want the neighbors to hear it...

• 
  

• Aku selalu tahu ada hal yang aneh darimu. Tidak pernah ada wanita secantik dirimu hidup tanpa kecacatan. Kau sudah gila, Natalie, secara mental.

• 
  

• The way we used to do it in the beginning...

• 
  

• Kau mampu berbicara melalui matamu bahwa kau ingin aku menyeretmu ke dalam kamar, meluapkan semua amarah dan emosiku ke dalam gerakan. Kau selalu memintaku untuk mematikan lampu, tidak ingin menyesali apapun selagi matamu tertutup.

• 
  
• So take your time...
• 
  

• Ya, lakukan semaumu. Puaskan seluruh nafsumu karena aku tidak akan mengulangi hal ini. Sudah cukup hal bodohmu ini. Memainkan perasaanku, mendorongku ke ujung lembah tak berdasar, tetapi menarikku kembali pada akhirnya.
• 
  
• I'm waiting at the door...
• 
  
• Aku sudah tidak peduli lagi. Perkelahian ini selalu berujung pada hal yang sama. Mengapa harus melewati masa-masa genting hanya demi membangkitkan monster dalam dirimu?

• 
  

• And imma do it do it do it do it 'til you want more...

• 
  

• "Natalie was doing better than you," kau selalu memaksaku berkata hal itu agar kau bertindak lebih ganas lagi.
• 
  

"She always make me to do more," aku terus mengulangi ucapan yang sama.

Kau sudah gila, Zoey. Tetapi entah mengapa aku tidak pernah bisa menyembuhkanku. Aku selalu menuruti kemauanmu hingga kegilaanmu sudah semakin akut.

"This is the last for us," ucapku.

Zoey, kau pikir aku tidak serius?

"I meant it. You will never see me after this," aku mengatur napasku. She's good actually. She is wilder than usual.

"I can't stay in this relationship anymore,"

Setelah selesai, Zoey tidak akan sanggup bangkit karena tenaganya sudah terkuras habis. Di sisi lain, aku mulai bergerak dan mengambil koperku.

"Goodbye forever, Zoey,"

Aku bisa melihat dan mendengar Zoey menangis. Dia tidak akan mungkin bisa melupakan kenangan tadi selamanya. Dan aku tidak akan pernah kembali kepadanya lagi.

Setelah kau membuatku mencicipi surga, kau selalu menarikku jatuh ke dalam neraka.

Tetapi kali ini, aku yang akan menarikmu agar kau mampu merasakannya.

Tonight I'm gonna make you pay one last time...

[Muse] S.T.A.L.K.E.R

#np Stalker - Hyorin (ft. Madclown)


Aku hanya duduk dan melihat layar ponselku.

난 너를 원해
Aku menginginkanmu,

Satu notifikasi mengenai dirimu.

너만 원해 
Aku hanya menginginkanmu,

You're just engaged to a woman. Aku memperhatikan fotomu satu persatu yang menunjukkan betapa bahagianya harimu belakangan ini.

니가 미워도 
Walaupun aku membencimu,

Kau pasti benar-benar mencintai wanita ini, ya, Nate ?

가슴속에 
Di dalam hatimu,

Berkali-kali aku mencoba untuk melupakanmu sebagaimana kau telah melupakanku, namun hasilnya tetap sama.

기억 속에
Di dalam memorimu,

Sampai kapan aku hanya bisa melihat kebahagiaanmu dari kejauhan seperti ini ?

I wanna be your only love 
Aku hanya ingin menjadi satu-satunya yang kau cintai,

Nathaniel Moyers.

솔직히 말해  너만 원해 
Jujur saja aku hanya menginginkanmu,

Aku mengucapkan namamu di dalam hati dan perasaan itu muncul kembali.

눈물이 나도 
Walaupun airmata ini muncul,

Ya, airmata ini mengalir deras saat memanggil namamu. Berkali-kali kucoba untuk memanggilmu, kau tidak akan pernah datang ke hadapanku.

어쩔 수 없어
Aku tidak bisa menahannya,

Nate, beritahu aku bagaimana bisa menghapus perasaan ini, air mata ini.

없어
Tidak bisa,

I’m feeling like I stalk and love...

*****

[Muse] The Day Will Come, Dear

#np Propose by Noel


Aku menarik kencang dasi dan merapikan penampilanku sekali lagi. Pikiranku kosong sejenak dan terserang panik luar biasa.

Keep calm...

Untuk mengabaikan kekacauanku, aku memandangi langit di musim semi. Mengapa cuaca hari ini begitu cerah namun sejuk? Apakah aku memilih waktu yang sangat tepat untuk hari yang sangat penting seumur hidupku ini?

Mungkin setelah aku memandangi jam tanganku lebih dari 3 kali, seseorang menghampiriku. Gadis dengan one piece dress biru muda dan rambutnya yang tergerai lurus ini berbicara kepadaku,

"Apakah kau sudah menunggu lama?"

Aku menggeleng. Aku menunggunya hanya karena aku datang jauh lebih cepat dari janji. Tiba-tiba saja setelah melihatnya yang nampak jauh lebih cantik dari yang biasa kulihat, aku kembali panik. Sesuatu terasa mencekik leherku, sehingga aku merenggangkan kembali dasi yang kukenakan.

"Mengapa kau rapi sekali hari ini?"

Aku memperhatikan diriku sendiri.

Apakah rencanaku sudah dapat ditebak? Apakah kali ini aku sedikit over dressed? Apakah seharusnya aku mengganti pakaian terlebih dahulu dengan yang lebih casual daripada tuxedo ini?

"Nanti malam aku ada meeting penting. Jadi kupikir aku tidak perlu pulang dahulu dan ganti baju lagi,"

Gadis itu tersenyum dan nampak sedikit tertawa.

"Sebuah tuxedo untuk undangan pernikahan bertema garden party... Hmm..."

"Sydney," aku memanggil nama indahnya. "Apakah aku terlalu berlebihan?" Tanyaku.

"No, it's really fine," jawabnya dengan senyuman lebar miliknya yang sangat khas. Saat melihatnya, aku begitu ingin menyimpan senyuman itu selamanya.

Hari ini salah satu teman lamaku dan juga Sydney menikah. Karena aku sudah mengenal teman ini lebih dari 15 tahun, aku merasa sangat perlu untuk bertemu dengannya. Sydney juga tidak sabar untuk melihat teman-teman sesama alumni sekolah dasar kami di acara pernikahannya.

Sesaat setelah berada di lokasi resepsi, Sydney langsung menghampiri teman-teman wanitanya. Tidak lama, aku juga bisa melihat teman-temanku dahulu. Mereka semua sedang mendiskusikan sesuatu.

Mereka semua membawa pasangan masing-masing, dan aku merasa asing sendirian.

"Jadi, kapan kau akan menikah?" Pertanyaan yang terlalu awam sekali.

Kali ini, aku menjawab dalam senyum, "Hari ini, aku akan melamarnya,"

Mereka semua berkata bahwa pantas saja pakaianku terlalu berlebihan hari ini. Pada saat aku menjawab pertanyaan siapakah yang akan kulamar, mereka sama-sama terkejut.

"Sydney? Kau serius?" Tanya mereka.

Aku tidak kebingan dengan reaksi mereka. Karena sebenarnya, Sydney dan aku tidak memiliki hubungan khusus apapun kecuali sahabat sejak kecil. Aku memang sudah menyukainya sejak dahulu, dan semua orang selalu berkata bahwa Sydney juga menyukaiku. Meskipun begitu, aku tidak pernah membawa hubungan kami selangkah lebih maju selain sekedar sahabat.

Mereka bilang aku cukup nekat untuk langsung melamarnya begitu saja.

Tetapi, kemungkinan itu memang ada. Kalau memikirkan peluang dia akan menerimaku, aku cukup percaya diri walaupun  aku bertaruh besar dengan kemustahilan.

We're at the golden ages for getting married.

[Recommendation] 100% PERFECT GIRL That is Just Like FIRST GIRL Doppelganger

I have read FIRST Girl manga long time a go, and it was one of Saito Chiho's masterpiece, at least for me. Actually, she is my first-top list of my favorite author. The reason is, she magically put the erotic scenes in a right time with a right composition. And she is the one that brought me to ecchi manga.

First Girl itself was about a struggle of a man and a woman who both madly in love to be together. It was harder than you could imagine, really. Leon Rosas (omg i remember the names perfectly without checking again) was a business tycoon and Miu was just an average Japanese girl. They married happily at first, but something occured and separated them. Miu then met other men that helped her but also lured by her beauty. Leon Rosas was hardly finding Miu, his bride all over country.

Miu & Leon Rosas in Vol. 1 Cover

This manga stirred up my mind. Oh my God, Miu was a slut, and i'm saying this with a reason. No, a lot of reason. Just take a look at the vol. 2 cover.

There is no Leon Rosas in the cover, and it means the lead man has changed. If you see through another volume, the lead man is always changing, and finally Leon appears in the last volume cover. In every volume, Miu was really having an affair with different men, and it ended up with Leon apologized her. Come on, she is the true portrait of living bitch. I hate her really much and regretting why Leon fell for her. Because of you're separated with your husband, it doesn't mean you're free to sleep with another man, b*tch.

Anyway, Saito Chiho is always my favorite mangaka. Even though i hate Miu so much, but deep in ever woman's heart, who doesn't want to be surrounded by hot-looking men who will love you more than their lives?

Long after reading this manga, recently i found an interesting one again that has similarity with First Girl. It's a manhwa, actually, and titled 100% Perfect Girl.

Let me tell you the synopsis of this one. Jay was a korean art school student who met with Jarte, the King of Roinne by accident. Jarte was immersed with Jay and followed her in silence. After short meetings, Jarte was proposing to Jay and asked her to live in Roinne. Jay didn't accept his proposal at first because she wasn't sure if she loved Jarte. So they engaged first.

Jarte is a man with troubled mind. He had a great fear of losing someone he loves. Because of Jay was the first and the only girl that he loved, he became over-protective to her. Their sweet moments then disappeared suddenly after Jay's missing. She was involved in a mafia's war and lost her memories. Then, she met with Luigi. Luigi was the head of mafia gangsters that Jay saved from a bullet shot. Luigi was fallen for her and hid Jay in his place. Jarte was desperately finding Jay everywhere with all his might. At the end, he found Jay at the bed, naked, with Luigi. The amnesia Jay didn't know who Jarte is, but already in love with Luigi. At the end, after her memories came back, she realized how much she had broken Jarte's heart. 

Living as a king of Roinne meant having a lot of enemy. Clarence Ewan was actually his step brother that lived brutally and wanting to avenge Jarte. He used Jay as his bait, but suddenly began to be fond of her. After occurrence by occurrence, Jay was trying to get away from Jarte and ended their engagement to create a new life. But fate had united them together, and finally opened up all of obstacles that they went through.

Okay, i'm sorry if i haven't told that it contains spoiler. But my explanation is not enough to express what happened to Jarte and Jay. You should try reading it. For the first time, i'm startled when looking the comments, saying how much they hated this story but always repeated reading it. I never understood until i happened to read it. I hate this story very much. It makes you happy at first but suddenly the situation went dark. It makes you anxious, waiting for the light will come, but the new problem walk in instead. You will never find any anxious drama more than this. It has a typical korean drama, a tug war of feelings with just 2 persons. It's only about Jarte and Jay, about their feelings to each other, but i don't know why it became so complicated. Even after finish reading it, i have an urge to start reading it again. Maybe that's why the others ended up with repeating the chapter again.

"J is looking for J"

There is a phrase of advertisement that Jarte placed all over Korea to find Jay. It's really sweet, though. He even placed a huge billboard with lights at the top of hills, where he finally found Jay again. I always remembered that phrase, wondering how romantic he did.

Jay is a psycho.

Yes, he even called himself like that. If you read it, you must be agreed with me. But, because of his wit, his looks, his charm, and also his wealth, he is just a guy who was madly in love, so mad in point of able to lock up the girl. I never saw an obsessed man like him before. He is just a monster, a cute and charming monster. He can't let Jay lost from his sight. If i was Jay, i would absolutely escape from him like she did. It is frightening to love with someone like Jarte. If only he was not a king with perfect material, it will become a horror story, right?

100% Perfect Girl

The title is inspired by Haruki Murakami's beautiful short story, "On Seeing The 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning". It is truly a good story, for me. Reading the short story made me begin to understand why can Jarte be madly in love with Jay. 'So there is this kind of impression', i think.

In conclusion, i find them both have similarities with the stories, don't you think? It's about the struggles of uniting a man and woman who loves each other. They also are filled with men's harem who helped and loved the lead woman at once. And both of them have great artworks that matched with my liking.

I recommend both actually. They are good and worth reading. Rate? Here it is (of 5) :

First Girl = 3.7 for Story ; 4.5 for Artwork

100% Perfect Girl = 4.3 for Story ; 3.6 for Artwork

Please read them, okay?

Have a good day everyone!!

[Continuous] New Season (Part 4)

Aneh sekali. Belakangan ini aku kesulitan menemui Daniel. Apartemennya selalu kosong dan disaat aku meneleponnya, dia selalu berkata ada urusan penting. Karena aku selalu datang ke tempatnya, dia memberikan kunci cadangan apartemennya untukku. Aku sering masuk dan menghabiskan makanannya lalu pergi begitu saja. Tetapi kali ini, aku sengaja berbelanja untuk membayar seluruh makanan yang sudah kuhabiskan tanpa izin.

Sebenarnya aku cukup kecewa tidak bisa melihatnya selagi aku sedang begitu berbaik hati memberikan banyak makanan untuknya. Aku meletakkan isi belanjaan satu persatu ke tempatnya. Daniel mengatur suplai dapurnya dengan begitu rapi dan teratur sehingga membuatku yang perempuan merasa malu. Pola hidupnya benar-benar berbeda dengan penampilannya. He's a total weirdo.

Karena cuaca di luar begitu panas, aku merasa tenagaku habis hanya karena berjalan sebentar saja. Kasur Daniel nampak menggiurkan bagiku, apalagi dengan bedding-nya yang rapi dan sangat nyaman. Tidak sadar aku sudah melemparkan diri menarik bantal dan selimut. Sepertinya Daniel tidak akan datang kurang dari 2 jam, jadi aku bisa tidur cukup lama.

"You look very cute while sleeping," ucap seseorang yang langsung membangunkanku.

Astaga. Aku bisa melihat Daniel berbaring di sebelahku sambil memangku wajahnya dan menatapku dekat-dekat.

"Lain kali jangan pernah tidur di hadapan pria lain," balasnya.

Saking terkejutnya, aku loncat dan menarik diri jauh-jauh. Setelah melihat sudah berapa lama aku tertidur, mataku terbelalak. Sialan, baru 1 jam tertidur dan terbangun karena pengganggu ini. Tidur siangku benar-benar tidak berkualitas sama sekali.

"Where have you been?" tanyaku mengusap mata.

"My band just signed a contract with our new label," jawabnya sambil bangkit dari tidurnya.

"Benarkah? Apa label kalian sekarang?" tanyaku.

"S International,"

Aku menatapnya tidak percaya. Label tersebut adalah salah satu yang terbesar dan paling terkenal. Bagaimana bisa band indie-nya masuk ke dalam label tersebut?

"Awalnya aku menolak tawaran mereka, tetapi member lain selalu mendesakku untuk menerimanya. Aku tidak tahu, tetapi kurasa visi mereka begitu berbeda denganku,"

Melihat Daniel merasa tidak nyaman, aku mengerti apa maksudnya. Daniel benar-benar menyukai hidupnya yang tenang dan bisa bermusik dengan santai. Dia adalah tipikal musisi berbakat yang memang mencintai musik bukan karena uang ataupun popularitas. Itulah salah satu alasannya dia selalu memilih jalur indie selama ini. Tetapi bersikukuh dengan keinginannya tersebut selagi member lainnya berlawanan dengannya adalah hal yang egois.

"Lihat sisi baiknya, setidaknya kau kini lebih sibuk dari biasanya, kan?"

Daniel menatapku. "Tidak sama sekali. Kalau begitu artinya waktuku bersamamu akan semakin berkurang lagi dan aku tidak mau,"

Ah, aku lupa. Pria ini menyukaiku. Dia terus menunjukkannya sekarang meskipun aku terus-menerus menolaknya. Bagiku Daniel tidak lebih dari kakak dan sahabat baik.

"Tetapi itu masih hal yang bagus menurutku, membiarkan seluruh dunia mendengar musikmu, bukankah itu sangat hebat?"

Daniel nampak ragu. "Do you like it?" tanyanya.

"Melihat kesuksesanmu? Tentu saja! Siapa yang tidak?"

"I'll do it for you, then"

Daniel tersenyum, nampak tidak sanggup menahan kebahagiaannya.

*****