[One Shot] Loneliest Hours

An overwhelmed feeling.

I tried to enjoy the day. Even though the very first time that I want was to talk, but I chose not to. I didn't know to whom I should talk to, and what to talk to.

I like him.

Behind the event happened today, I just wanted to tell him that I like him. But on the other side I realized that this feeling is too one-sided

But I hate him.

Because to end this feeling, by any means, it would be too risky. Every option that I had would only make one of sides disappointed. And I didn't know what to sacrifice. 

Maybe I should really abandon this feeling.

Although every time I closed my eyes and hoped someone to call, he was the one that I hope for. Or every time I sat alone in a table for two, his shadow was the one that cross my mind.

He came in an unexpected time, and like everyone knows, whoever comes will go sooner or later. But for this time, this person, I knew it early when he was going to go. But still, when the day came I was not ready to overcome it.

And I also hate myself.

Knowing the one thing I want the most was to meet him again, I was hating myself more and more. But still, I reached to him and quickly ran to him.

"I am moving out in two weeks, thank you, for everything,"

That voice, that stare. Those kind of words were finally coming out. A word of separation.

"Okay, good luck then, thank you for everything too,"

I tried to calm myself. To let this feeling away for just a moment. Even though today I was prepared to confess, I couldn't do it at the end.

Every mixed feelings that I had in early morning has nothing left. I like you. That 3 words always got stuck inside, and I knew if it's not now, there will be no time anymore.

But still, I was spacing out, figuring out what to do. Should I cherish the time I had left with him as a friend only, or should I risk our relationship that may end up in an instant, which means losing him earlier than it would be.

I knew it well you only see me as nothing but a dear friend. That was also the biggest mistake of mine to set no boundary from the start. Oh, I was such a whiner, maybe being just friends were my only best option. 

"Take care of yourself,"

His eyes. Your eyes. That kind of eyes that was warmly staring at me. Argh... I was going crazy. I couldn't lose him now, and forever.

But then, who am I to stop him? If I said that I liked him, he wouldn't gladly tell me that he loves me too. What a dreamer. I watched too many romantic movies already.

"Ah!!"

I randomly screamed when I started to realize that he is going away from my sight.

"I mean... I..."

What a coward. I stuttered, even I could hear my shortened breath. My heart was pounding hard. I must find courage!

"I can't live without you,"

Is it bad? Did my choice of words are okay?

He looked at me again, smiling. "What do you mean? You're not a toddler, you'll be fine on your own,"

"What am I to you?" I finally asked. Yes, you coward whiner! Go on!

He stared at me, looking confused.

"To me, you're not only a best friend, I mean, I really can't live without you, even I can't see myself living if you're not around"

He still straightly stares at me, slowly approaches me.

"No, don't..."

"You're not going anywhere, you must stay here with me,"

He gently patted my head. "So the rumor is true? Is it true that you..."

 

Should I Tell This Only to Myself? Someone? Anyone? or Even Everyone?

Hi,

I'm here again. It's been months since we all trapped in our home and the world is not going to heal in a flash. I am not going to complaint or argue about the current condition anymore. but I have something important to talk about.

There is something that I feel like I need to discuss about, but I don't know where to start. 

Long story short, during the pandemic, I recently read an article. It's a new article, talking about the society and their mindset to a social issue. The article is based on an old article that is quite popular in some specific communities, and it added some examples or depiction of people who are in such situation.

I recently realized that their perspective or mindset they were experiencing matched to me so much. The article was really impacted me, and I ended up agreeing almost every words in it. It was like you finally found some pieces that you left the spaces blank, simply because you didn't have those around. It should be meant to the answers of many question that went through your head, about why the society and yourself couldn't match properly.

I was given some insights, which led me to another conclusion, that would let me explore what kind of person I am truly inside. I wouldn't say that the article was fully right. But to the very least, I knew that I was not the only wrong person on earth.

So these days, I would like to have a journey to know my own self, what kind of monsters I am having inside and whether I would show it to my circle, or not in a million years ever.

Even though I had some new insights, it didn't mean I finally found the answers of everything. I also didn't know which group should I belong to, am I still a majority or not, or even how to live on. But, I would love to take more journey to find another answer for the rest of million questions in my head.

And that would be bad, since I need to have a talk to someone. It could be someone, that you trust the most, who has an open mind and broaden your insight. Or maybe it could be anyone, considering that you will reveal your true self to 'someone you know' is such a risk, any random stranger or acquaintance may be better. Or should I just tell everyone and let them have their own opinion.

I tried, though. I talked to someone, and it didn't really effective. Maybe I chose wrong person, or maybe I haven't constructed the detail enough so they didn't grasp the situation. Or maybe, that is exactly the answer. You have a different way of thinking than majority of people.

They just don't get it. And another part of they in the article "get" me. Would it make me as a part of they? Well, I couldn't say much for it. There was no proof that made me sure before. 

Perhaps there is another group which is in between they and they, that clicks me better.

And I am afraid, honestly. The world and the society that we all live could not really tolerate such difference. Just a simple question of doubt that you had inside would alarm them, then ended up telling you to do this or that instead, which never be the answer. And I always lived most of the time to be the same person as anyone thought of me.

Perhaps it's time to tell that I am too tired of every sh*t they always told me.

But still, to live differently, I see that as such a privilege that I crave the most.

A kind of living that I try to fulfill, and proudly live as I always want, that's only a dream.

Oh, maybe I should not to blame the society too much. After all, I am always the part of society, a type of person that is too apathetic and never speak up against. I guess we are all to blame of every f*cked up things that happened, no?

And all this messy words showed that I actually never have a nerve to speak loudly. I didn't even tell you all what kind of article that I read, and what kind of perspective that clicked me.

I always said that I need to make sure of everything first before telling to everyone. But at the end, nothing really conveyed and I am still me, still the same person that I showed from the very start.

But now, tell me, how to have a proper discussion of this issue?

How to broaden the horizon?

How to break the bonds?

Whom should I talk to?

How to make them get me though?

Or should I talk over to myself only, as I used to?