Late New Year Message: A Look Back of 2019 and Such

Hi, hello again.

Even though that 2020 is just started and even not yet passed a month, I must admit that this whole year will pretty much be 2019.2. Since 2019 was not a very good year, but I still have a high hope for this year. Let's just be positive.

And I realized that I had many things to tell during 2019 but did not come up at the end. So I just grab the draft and put it here, then added some words also.

First report of 2019.

I failed to suppress my impulsivity and aborted the mission already. It turned out that if I refrain myself, I thought that I would somehow lost my identity. I felt that I was not accepting myself and there was no point of doing that anymore. I wanted to love myself more than doing anything that seemed the best. I tried to acknowledge that loving and accepting the real "you" can be considered as a big improvement.

So I, as a biggest supporter of myself, will support whatever my heart wants and yearn for. Whatever it is, however impulsive it is.

Oh yes, I would love to take a journey to another place again. I would let myself go wherever I want to. I want to live at the fullest. I want to have no regret at all.

Actually my biggest resolution for 2019 was not to spend my savings for traveling, again. I used up lots of them during 2018. Then I got upset knowing that I had no money savings at all. But then, turned out that I could not do it and ended up booking flight tickets.

That's when I realized that actually I cannot refrain myself to not travel since that is my passion. I feel so alive whenever I get started to plan the whole journey, as if I get a boost of life motivation. So the trick is, to split the my saving pocket between long term and short term plan. But to ask whether I am success for that... I am still figuring out.


Second report, and one of the main issue of the first quarter, is that I discovered a new world to obsess. This is already being my weakness and habit. To have at least something to obsess over.

If you know me well in real world, I always tend to be a devoted fangirl of something. It can be about a comic, novel, artist, or even idols. Once I laid my eyes on something, I become obsessed. But now, I learn that there is a chance of me to like this "kind of" world.

This world, even though at first I have never been interested, even questioned why people can be obsessed over it, but more I learn it, more interesting to me now. It provided me such a new insight, a new viewpoint, and get to learn a new culture. It can be a positive or negative approach, depends on how you see it. But I must say this insight are too interesting to learn since it is very different but somehow it is also quite familiar.

I once posted a Yaoi recommendation and my viewpoint about homosexual. I was "once or twice" okay with some BLs (from now on, let's use BL rather than Yaoi, okay?), but that's it. Then it took me such a long time and courage to finally accept that now I can be considered as a fujoshi.

You read it right. Fujoshi.

If you're not familiar with the word, Fujoshi is a term for a fangirl of BL genre. And I am one of them, with a condition, and I am strictly limited to certain BL I still have the same viewpoint as I had before. So my only condition is that, as long as the quality is there and it is not only lust. So, prepare yourself that I will post more about BL and recommend you any of them.

So, those two reports, two discoveries, which I gladly accept as a part of me. I will continuously live as an impulsive and a fujoshi, as long as I am enjoy with them. So 2020 is truly a 2019.2 even for my own self. I don't change much and also don't want to. I seek only happiness and pursue any desire. And that is how I want to spend my life with.

From a selfish person who wish to be more than before,


Please enjoy this year as much as you can.

[One Shot] A Silent Question Wandering Around My Head

Have I ever really loved you before?

I don't know.

Do I even love you now?

This also I don't know.

Aku memperhatikan beberapa orang belakangan ini. Bagaimana mereka menceritakan kenangan-kenangan di perjalanan hidupnya dan tertawa. Setidaknya tersenyum seolah kembali ke masa itu. Dan aku duduk mendengarkan, terkadang mencoba membayangkan apa yang terjadi.

Mereka menceritakan bagaimana pertemuan mereka dengan pasangannya, momen-momen menarik dan lucu.

Aku hanya tertawa sambil menikmati. Untuk tidak memiliki kesempatan bercerita saja sudah bersyukur. Aku tidak tahu harus menceritakan apa kepada mereka semua. Tepatnya, aku takut tidak mampu mengatur ekspresiku saat bercerita.

Apakah aku akan begitu antusias, tertawa, menertawai diri sendiri, tersipu-sipu?

Ataukah ekspresiku tetap kosong dan tidak berbeda, dan mereka mulai mencurigai sesuatu.

Do I have any memory of you that I cherished the most?

"Ya? Tidak... Aku baru saja selesai..."

Aku merapikan bawaanku ke tas sambil menjawab telepon darimu. Tidak lebih dari 3 kali dering, aku menjawab panggilan tersebut. Tetapi untuk menjelaskan apakah aku senang saat melihat namamu di kontak, aku tidak benar-benar bisa mengekspresikannya.

"Hmm. Oke, sampai jumpa,"

Aku mengantongi kembali ponselku dan berjalan menuju tempat yang disepakati. Kita berjanji untuk makan malam di sebuah restoran, dan di saat aku menemukan sosokmu, aku hanya melangkah terus mendekati. Sampai akhirnya aku duduk tepat di hadapanmu.

Disini, hanya kamu yang sangat bersemangat malam ini. Aku berkali-kali menahan letih dengan senyuman. Aku terus mendengarkan curhatannya tentang segala hal, lalu merespon seperlunya.

Mungkin karena beban pekerjaanku belakangan ini terlalu berat, sehingga tidak ada tenaga lagi untuk mengurusi hal-hal lainnya. Bahkan untuk sekedar meladenimu.

Ya, mungkin karena itu. Aku hanya ingin pulang dan tidur sampai pagi datang.

"Let's have a party!"

Masa-masa kritis di kantorku sudah lewat. Aku mulai bisa bernapas lega dan beberapa orang bermaksud merayakannya. Aku melirik Helga, yang tadi mengajakku.

"It wil be too loud. I'm not coming,"

Helga berbisik kepadaku, "Let's have a drink somewhere instead,"

Aku menangkap bahwa dia memahami apa yang kupikirkan sekarang dan langsung bersiap untuk pergi.

"Speak, if you don't speak up then I don't know what's on your mind,"

Aku dan Helga duduk di bar stool. Aku menghela napas dalam-dalam.

"Do you think I love Miranda?"

Helga melirikku. Dia kenal Miranda cukup baik. Diantara rekan kerjaku, Helga adalah salah satu yang mengenal kehidupan personalku.

"You doubt your own feeling or what?"

"I just feel lost. I don't know what I feel, is this right, or not,"

Dia tertawa. "You know, I admit I never love my husband. I also don't understand what is love, how is that feeling,"

"Yeah, I see some couples care each other dearly, and I wonder whether I can do it or not. I think it's too much a burden to care for Miranda as good as others," balasku.

"But you don't want to let go of her easily,"

Aku mengangguk. "To breakup with her is actually adding more problem, so I just keep her stay,"

"What a bastard you are," Helga cekikikan sambil meneguk minumannya. "But you actually took care of her enough, in my eyes,"

Aku melirik Helga dan menunggu penjelasannya.

"You never have to love her to care for her, as long as she is happy and she accepts you. What? Are you seeking for a romance now?"

"No, it's just that... I am confused. Isn't it unfair for her not to be loved as she deserves?"

Helga mengangguk keras. "That's why I call you a such a bastard. But since I've been in your position, maybe I can relate,"

Salah satu alasan aku menerima ajakan Helga adalah karena aku tahu bagaimana kehidupan rumah tangganya. Helga tidak pernah mencintai suaminya. Dia setuju menikah karena desakan usia dan sampai sekarang hubungan mereka tidak pernah meningkat lebih baik.

"It's not like you will die for not having a romance in your life, right? For me, I don't need to love my husband to live together with him. Just think of him as a roommate, or a friend to spend some lonely time, it's more than enough,"

"But what if I have a feeling of remorse to her?"

"For lying to her? For still choosing her even though you never love her? What are you implying to?"

"I don't know. I do regret to keep her around, to ignore every chance to get rid of her and stay like this for years. I just hate myself more and more every time I see her,"

"You don't want to be with her anymore?"

Aku mengangkat bahu. "I don't know either. I feel numb in my mind. Maybe it is because I know exactly what I want but I cannot achieve it,"

"What is it?"

"To live independently alone. I don't want Miranda or anyone to disturb me,"

Helga menepuk pundakku. "You are really good at knowing whom to talk to. That was what I actually yearned for, and here is a little bit advice, my dear friend. We live in a society that is not allowing us to do actually what we want. I didn't know if I am happy enough or feeling content in this kind of life. But, living together without love since I never seek any of that experience either is not a bad thing. And you don't have to be open with your feeling, just give them what they want, and it is enough,"

"Helga," aku memperhatikannya. "Did you tell him you love him?"

"I did, why? Of course it's a lie,"

Aku menggeleng. She was such a person. "No, you're very cool though,"

...
..
.
..
...

Miranda,

If one day you find out the truth, is this still okay?

If all of my dearly act is only half-heartedly, is it also still okay?
 

Till death do us part.

Pada saat aku masih bingung dengan semua pertanyaan di pikiranku, ucapan tersebut keluar dari mulutku.


*****

P.S.
What will you do if someone that you think loves you, is actually lying to you?
What will you do when you think that you are showered with love, but in truth you're not?