On My Way to Set Up a Heartbreak Club

Hi.

Good day to you and I wish that you all have a very good start to become a better person in this new year. This is me again. With all of useless thing that I want to share to you.

I recently realized that this blog is full of sadness, unclear emotion, and too abstract. Is it really that I have no intention of creating happiness here? Or is this already considered as a happy ending to me? What is my objection at the end?

I must admit that I hate a sad ending, I hate conflict, that may be one of reasons that I tend to create a "flat" story with less climax since I hate to put one. I always failed to finish a long story, and I don't really know if I am good at this or not. But all I know is that I need to do this as one of my breather. I treated each story as a milestone that marked the emotion I faced during the period.

But I now see the pattern. It is always about unrequited feeling, a loudest silence (p.s I am in love with this phrase nowadays) and the longing mind of the heroine. Because to me, it is harder to create such a happy ending instead of what I've done. I never felt amused when reviewing a happy story, or even how to end it happily. Am I peculiar? Or does it mean that I am not happy in reality? I don't know either.

Maybe it is because I cannot define what is happiness. To me, happiness is too broad and general. But again, I can proudly say that I am happy enough to be what I am now. This is too funny, my mind is too messed up, isn't it?

Well, I just want to let you know, that I admit most of stories that I posted here are too identical, coincidentally. I don't know if I would like to find a different approach. It will up to my mood, but then, a girl's mood cannot be predicted. So you have to accept it after all.

Wow, too much talk.

I now have to leave. I really faced such a writer's block now. Pray with me that I am going to be fine and post various idea from now on, okay?

But again, here I share to you what I found during my trip to Seoul, located in Understand Avenue, near Seoul Forest Park. It said "worrying solves nothing" which is true.

I learned to not worry over unnecessary thing. And I am still trying to. I was that type of person who used to over-think everything, but I learned how bad it was, how it affected myself, my mind, my personal life, my viewpoint, everything. Now since IDGAF of any unnecessary matter, I feel free at a certain point.

[Monologue] Endless Loop of Disappointment

Kembali kecewa.

Setelah sekian lama aku lupa dan melupakan kesalahan bodoh yang terus terulang ini, aku terus kecewa.

Aku duduk di sebuah bangku berwarna biru yang berhadapan persis dengan sebuah patung kecil di galeri. Seluruh emosi terasa tumpah seketika saat melihat karya seni itu.

Bukan, bukan karena aku memahami seni dan menikmatinya.

Aku tidak pernah menjadi orang seperti itu dan hidupku hanya menyukai hal receh dan tidak berarti. Pikiranku begitu simpel namun kali ini emosi itu memuncak hanya karena satu pemikiran konyol.

Aku bukanlah satu-satunya yang sedang mengatasi kesepian disini. Patung ini tidak kalah kesepian dan kecewa sama sepertiku. Dia pasti sangat kecewa saat tidak diukir dengan utuh seperti biasanya. Dan harus berdiri sendirian diantara ruangan kosong namun tidak tampil memukau untuk bisa dilihat, perasaan yang begitu mirip seperti yang kurasakan sekarang.

"Bad day?" Tanya seseorang yang rupanya telah duduk di sampingku.

Aku membuka mata yang awalnya terus terpejam. Sejak tadi aku berusaha memahami dan memaknai kesunyian di ruangan ini. Mungkin dengan itu aku bisa menata sedikit demi sedikit perasaanku.

"Not really," jawabku enggan membuka diri.

Nyatanya, hariku tidak seburuk perkiraan. Hanya saja perasaanku yang kalang kabut tidak karuan.

"Feeling upset?" Tanyanya kini mengganti pertanyaan.

Aku tertawa remeh. "Life is always upsetting," seperti lingkaran setan, kehidupanku mengecewakan dan aku terus yang membuat diriku sendiri kecewa. Kecewa sudah seperti dimana-mana.

"Then..."

"Nothing happened," balasku.

Aku memperhatikannya. "I just did something stupid and I hate myself," ucapku, setelah memilih untuk mengalah dan mengakui kalau aku butuh teman berbagi.

Dia tidak menunjukkan senyum tetapi aku tahu dia lega saat aku mulai membalasnya.

"I fell for million times and still I did not learn from the past," aku kembali menutup mata dan ribuan momen-momen bodoh langsung terlintas.

"That's not true," ucapnya. "You learned something,"

Aku meliriknya dan gagal memahami apa maksudnya.

"You learned how to not be selfish, that your life is not only about you," dia mengelus kepalaku.

Aku tersenyum sambil melihatnya. Apakah aku sudah menjadi orang yang sedikit lebih baik dari yang sebelumnya?

"That everytime you fall, you always stand back again. I am proud of you," senyumannya, yang membuat kekosongan ini tak terasa lagi.

Senyuman nampak di wajahku, meski di dalam hati aku meremehkan semua pujiannya.

"Then what about my heart?" tak terasa, senyuman langsung menghilang saat aku mulai memikirkan hal lain. Karena tidak bisa menemukan jawabannya, dia terdiam.

Aku memangku kepala ke bahunya. Kontemplasi seharian membuat tenagaku terkuras.

"Sometimes, you just need someone for a reason. A reason why you should live and keep moving forward. Or maybe to remind you that you are also a human with a feeling,"

Aku hanya bisa terdiam dan menutup mata di atas bahunya. Ditemani seseorang mampu membuat perasaanku lebih tenang.

"I wish you were really here," ucapku kepadanya.

Kepada sesosok bayang-bayang di sampingku ini. Seseorang yang hanya bisa dilihat olehku saja.

"I am here,"

"You were here," aku tersenyum kepadanya. "We met at this place, only once. But you died too soon. You only live here now," aku menunjuk diriku sendiri, tepat di dada.

Dia hanya menatapku dengan senyuman.

"You are one of my dissapointment. One of regrets that I could not forget. If only I was brave enough to tell you that I like you, things might be going differently,"

Dia kini menggeleng.

"There is always a reason for everything. You just have not found that out yet,"

Ya, dia adalah kekecewaan terbesarku. Yang membuatku tidak bisa berhenti mencari penggantinya. Yang tidak pernah menjadi awal namun telah mengakhiri begitu saja.

Berkali-kali aku mencari perempuan lain yang bisa membuatku melupakannya, namun hanya perasaan kecewa yang tertinggal. Bayangannya selalu ada, pertemuan yang hanya beberapa jentik namun hanya berbuah penyesalan.

If only I ever talked to you before, could you tell me what was the reason that we met?