Something about him that made me intrigued.
Or something about his eyes that made me unmoved.
Or even something about his presence that made me gone crazy.
I tried to resist myself whenever I was always around him. I tried to be his best friend at all, not more or less. I just wanted to be as normal as others. But when I heard a rumor about him, I could not even try not to think about it.
It was when some of my friends warned me when they saw me getting quite close to him.
I was about to meet him for a quick lunch before class was starting. They came in group and tried to ask me to join the lunch with them. I instantly rejected them because I had plans earlier. Then they frowned and asked me to keep a distance with him.
"Just you two? Dude, let me suggest you not to hang out too often with him. I heard he's gay and that will affect your image too. I don't know if it's true or not, but just stay away from him, yeah?"
I was angry and about to punch him right away. But still, I kept my sanity and be calm. "Where did you hear about it?"
"From his high school mate, it's quite known so that's why none of them really hang around with him,"
"What's wrong with that? It's not like he likes you though," I unconsciously defended him. It's not fair even for anyone not only him.
"Dude, seriously?" after he gave me a sneer, most of his friends made the same face.
"I don't think that's a valid reason to avoid someone," I raised an eyebrow. I thought after many years, people were more open minded and really didn't worry about it anymore.
We were still living at the same old-fashioned society after all.
They finally gave up to persuade me so they finally left. I hurriedly ran towards him knowing that I was late. He already spared a seat and the lunch when I got there. I sat after patted his shoulder.
"Sorry, did you wait long?"
He shook his head. "Not at all. Here's yours. Quick, we need to go to class early, I haven't finished my task,"
"You can see mine,"
"Of course, that's why I bought you this," he pointed at the fancy tuna sandwich in front of me. It was our favorite, sometimes I wondered when would I get sick of this meal. But perhaps I would never feel that since I was always eating with the person beside me, someone that I would never be sick of.
"Hey, K," I called him as natural as I could be.
"What?" he was usually a sweet person, but when I was late, he always became annoying.
"No drinks for me?" I noticed only 1 water bottle on the table.
"You don't bring yours? Go buy yourself then," he just focused on eating.
I saw the queue and looked away again. The canteen was always crowded during the class break time. That's why Keane always hated when we were late even for a minute. I then grabbed his bottle and took a gulp. He shocked by my action and threw a death stare.
"Now you go or you'll choke," I teased him, but when I expected him to laugh it off, he just looked gloomier than before. I took the initiative to go away before his mad worsened.
I bought him, a lot more than what I drank. I gave him not only a water, but juice, milk, and even coffee. Those were for us.
"It's all yours,"
"You son of a b-, how can I take all of them?"
I giggled. I teased him more. I didn't give him plastic bag and I was sure he did not have one either. There's no way he could put all of them to his bag, even if he could, it would only tear his bag apart or gave him a back-pain.
"Really? Then I will help you take this," I took a bottle and drank it up. "Done, now you do yours," I already finished my sandwich so I had a lot of time to stare at him.
" F- you," he looked totally annoyed, but that made him a lot cuter than ever.
Oh, wait. Did I say he was cute? What was I thinking, really?
I suddenly remembered the rumor and took one more time to observe him. Was it true? If yes, then it meant he already had a boyfriend, right? Or how did they know? Was it when he confessed to a boy then got rejected? How come anyone ever found out about it?
Was it okay if I asked him right away?
Then I called Maria, she was the girl that I recently dated with. I wanted to see his reaction first. I used such a sweet word to her, and promised her to take on a date during weekend. It was actually kind of cringe, let alone having him to listen wholly. He didn't bat an eye, I noticed he really ignored me.
Yeah, he was not that kind of person too whose usually interfered other business, and I wasn't usually comfortable when someone involved in my personal business.
"I had a plan with Maria this weekend, what about you?"
He still munched his meal, what a sloth. "Nothing, why?"
"No date?"
He shook his head.
"Hangout with friends?"
He shook his head again. "I think I'm not in the mood. Why are you asking?"
"Then you can help me to arrange for my date!" I booked him for friday night. He just rolled his eye, so I assumed as an okay.
I decided to get closer to him whenever I could. I tried to search for a hint whether the rumor was true or not. It's not because I was disturbed if it turned out that he was gay, all I wanted to know was what kind of person he liked.
It would be very nice if he really liked a guy, though. I felt a sigh of relief only by the thought of that. If it's another thing called happiness, shouldn't I reach it more?
*****
The more I spent time with him, the more I realized that I was on the verge of exposing myself. I must admitted that I already had a boy crush during my teenage years, and we were almost in a relationship, at least in my perception. It was when I finally knew that the world did not really support the people like us, then I tried to hold it and be as normal as them.
It's a privilege to be liked by anyone so that I could fit in to many groups of people and dated girls since I was counted as a popular boy wherever I was. Hanging out with boys affected me a lot on how I saw men, I usually always put them as just friends, and they also liked to talk about girls, so I was having fun on dating many girls as a show-off to them.
It was when I met Keane, I felt something that was unusual inside me. It's as if the "old" me was eager to come out. But I was afraid, I was too coward to be labeled as a weirdo. Even worse, I was afraid if I was being an outcast. So I tried to company him, to protect him from any judging eye and even tried to compel him to belong to the group.
But he stayed true to his self. He just did what he wanted to do, he acted and said whatever on his mind. He never really cared about what others thought of him.
Little did I find out hanging out with him was the only happiness that I sought the first time I opened my eyes every day. I was being protective and obsessive towards him. I gave my all to be his best friend so that no one could ever replace my position next to him. This never happened before. I didn't really understand what was going on until the day he finally confessed to me.
After knowing that I was obsessed to his presence, I decided to keep my distance from him by enrolling my master studies far away from the cities. But since I worried that I could not really hold myself, I did not enroll abroad, just neighboring cities. Perhaps I needed time to adjust myself so coming back and forth was still bearable.
But when I was about to leave, he confessed his feelings to me. It was something that I could not see it before. Was it because I was too busy looking for him so I did not really pay attention on his response?
Then I started having butterflies. I was ecstatic hearing that. When I heard him being a gay, I wanted to know what kind of person that he liked before. Well, it turned out he liked me all the time. What kind of person who would hate it when the one that he liked actually liked him back as well?
After that, the only thing I wanted to do was to value him as much as I could do. I wanted to spend every second with him, pamper him, tease him and flirt him.
I let him stay at my place before I finally went away. It was either a bad decision or the best thing I could agree on. Seeing him the first time I woke up made me realize what happiness felt like. I would even gave half of my lifespan to exchange with this view everyday.
He looked like an angel when he was sleeping with a blushed cheek that was actually his natural look. He was a beau that I rarely found even compared to all the girls that I was close with. A handsome face with feminine touch in a delicate and slender figure, what a pleasing view.
It just never got enough staring at him until he finally crawled in bed and started to open his eyes.
I hurriedly went to the kitchen for a breakfast. A moment when we were like couples hit me and I was beyond ecstatic only by imagining things.
He waked me up with a sudden question. I never really accept his confession nor rejected him. Despite all the sweet things that I poured to him, I still did not properly respond to his confession with a clear answer.
But, a sudden nightmare woke me up. I still remembered my first boy crush, he was bullied by our classmates when they saw something unusual between us. It was only him to suffer more since I was a popular guy with a clean image after all, thankfully. So I decided to cut things up and promised to myself not to let anyone I cared to suffer like before.
I didn't want to repeat such mistakes. Oh dear, if only you could understand what's inside my mind.
So for now I just let it hanging like that. Perhaps we would finally have a time of our own. I should do something to make it true and a bit more time was what we really need to sacrifice.
*****
I knew I made it worse. All that I really did was teasing and flirting with him. I could not help it, he was so adorable and irresistible. The time had come when he had enough and made a decision to shut me out.
Our first video call session was actually the last.
I tried to call him, text him several times after that but he did not respond. I knew the only thing that I had to do was giving him the clear answer.
I was not ready to confess my feeling. A portrayal of us being a real couple and coming out to the world was too frightening. I believed anyone around me would turn their backs on me after knowing my true self. How could I live on after that?
But to lie and reject the person I cared the most was also the hardest. It's even nonsense to him after what I just did. Then, I would also lose him as a friend too. Things could not go back the way we used to be.
Or this was the time that we needed to sacrifice for our future. My purpose of moving out before was to organize myself, if I decided to go against the world then I needed to be stronger to be able to protect him. Having the master degree and settling the business were the ticket to free myself from my family leash. Then I should also seek for a new place and community that might welcome us to fit in. We would run away as far as we could without really put everything behind.
But still, losing him around was affecting me worse. I did not expect to lose him like this. I did not even get an update on how he's doing these past few days.
Was he okay? Was he living his life well?
Because I was never okay. I felt tortured. I was aware that I was addicted to him at this point. I missed him more than I could handle, so I flew right away a week after I didn't see his face. He rarely updated his social media, I didn't really know what happened to him.
Right after I landed, I drove to his place but it's empty. I checked the time and expected that he should be at work. So I went to his office and waited until he left the building.
After sitting at the park near the building gate for 3 hours straight, a sight of him really walked out of gate. He went to the train station to his place and I followed him since. He looked fine, still beautiful as hell. He used earphones all the time and focused on something on the phone.
When he finally went inside his place, I was hesitated to knock the door. He didn't want to talk me until I had a clear answer. Did I have one? Did I finally come up with a clear mind?
This coward was still a coward. I could not dare to talk to him anymore. I was afraid of losing another face to him. He hated me enough, I should not make it worse.
So I let this torture alone. I tried my best living without him. If I missed him too much, I would fly away to look at him from afar. He rarely went out, so the best time to follow him was when he left from work. Sometimes he stopped by the mini mart to grab a food. He didn't really change. He just picked any food without even care of his health. If only I could barge into his place and cook for him, I'd be glad to.
Looking at whatever he picked for his dinner really annoyed me. I didn't want him to get sick, I only wanted the best for him. But I didn't know how to reach him. A coward was still a coward.
I was having a breakdown and my study really got affected. After almost every Friday going back and forth to stalk him, I was getting exhausted. I got fever many times. Both my body and mind got breakdown. I should settle this and try to organize myself.
So once a month should be enough to look after him from afar. It did quite well during the first three months, but the next month, the exam period was getting near and so many researches that I had to finish before the end of semester. I almost couldn't breathe for the load, let alone skipping time to fly back and follow him.
When the new semester was going to start, we were having 2 weeks break period and my friends asked me to go to the beach. Well, beach was not my style, if I had a chance, I always rejected the offer immediately. But since my mental was messed up, a thought of trying new things felt not really bad.
So I agreed.
I planned to fly back first to see him as planned and it was already 3 months since the last time I saw him. My longing felt too big to handle so I quickly booked a flight and went to his office. But until past 9 PM, I didn't see him at all. Then I went to his place and noticed no one really came out of his place. Pile of packages were still at the front door.
Was he inside? Was he going somewhere? Where was he?
I didn't really know his whereabouts and had no idea on how to know it either. He rarely was with friends, while I didn't know anyone from his work colleagues.
Knowing how clueless I was, I got panicked right away. I just realized that I knew nothing about him. All I cared was his presence only. As long as I was able to see him, I felt a relief. But after longing for him and unable to see him for more than months, I felt helpless and cried a river This was the closest distance between us, I was standing in front of his place without even dared knocking since I was still the same coward.
I went back to my old place since it was late for me to catch up the last flight. I could not sleep at all. Until I knew where he was or what was he doing, I was anxiously waiting for the day to come so I could visit his place one more time, just to make sure he was doing fine. Nothing could've happened to him, right?
Earlier in the morning I went straight one more time and once again noticed no one really touched the door except me last night.
Where was he, really?
It was unusual for him to go anywhere or stay at any place. He had his own routine before bed so he always had problems when he traveled. He was a homebody, he should be nowhere but his own place. It was very unusual. I started to worry something really happened to him.
But a call from Adrien distracted me. I really forgot that today we should go to the beach. So I booked a flight and went straight to pack some things. Only when I looked at the mirror right before I went to the meeting point, I was shocked by my appearance. I had a swollen eye due to lack of sleep and useless cry all night. I looked for sunglasses to cover my eyes. Everyone would ask what really just happened to me if they saw my eyes. Thankfully we were going to the beach so wearing sunglasses were very normal.
For whole day I never removed the glasses so during the night I didn't really come out. I told them that I was feeling unwell due to the sea breeze. I went to the balcony to get a view of the resort that we stayed in. In our group of 5 boys, there were 4 girls from various department that joined us on this vacation. I looked at them from the balcony, they were having party out there. One of the girls called me from afar to join, but I gave her a signal to refuse. That's Simone, I had a feeling she was interested with me. She tried hard to get close with me all the time, so I treated her nicely while humbly kept a distance. She was actually quite persistent actually but I tried not to ruin the mood so I just really went along with it.
Maybe Simone was a great distraction, I thought. But the more I tried to distract myself the more I missed him. I hadn't seen Keane for such a long time now. This vacation was really a bad time, I couldn't enjoy it even just for a second.
Adrien shared the same room with me and he just went back around midnight. He was still sober which I didn't expect it. He clearly saw my swollen eyes and noticed something wrong with me. So I decided to create an excuse that I just got dumped yesterday. He cheered me up and offered me a help to get rid of this brokenhearted. He said that he would set me with Simone so that I would forget my ex immediately.
Well, I didn't really describe that it was a guy that I just mentioned, so I just unwillingly nodded to his offer. After that, Simone was more aggressive than before. I pretend to be merciful and treated her literally as just friends, but she was way too persistent.
Perhaps I really needed her as a distraction for now. She was pretty and cute, there's no harm trying. After all I had liked girls more than boys before. And all my life I only dated girls, it was easier to make it out too.
Having party with them was actually not that bad. At least while drinking I was feeling lighter and careless. I found myself addicted to get drunk in order to get rid of this exhausting longing. At least while I was drunk, I didn't really miss him.
After that, whenever they threw a party, I always joined in. The boys were all known as party animal, they really knew how to make it merrier while I was obediently just sitting at the corner and drinking. Simone was always around too. She never let me drink alone though.
I was asked to fly right away and visit my parents after I took the last exam. It's a rare occassion for me to be called like this. I had a bad feeling about this.
Then I saw Mom and Dad was sitting with a serious face. Dad ordered me to sit in front of him after I just opened the door.
"Did you still remember Nina, Nina Griffin?"
Mom mentioned a girl from my high school. I didn't really close to her though but I knew her family was our family's acquaintance.
"We decided to wed you with Nina. His Dad is about to be the police chief. That would be the greatest alliance for our families,"
I was always frightened by my Dad. He was a stiff person and put a very high expectation in me. He always demanded me to be the best in everything. He constantly said that I would be the backbone of Burdough family so everything that I should do matter to him. I should not let him see my flaws. The head of Burdough family must be the ideal gentleman with brilliance.
He was in control of the whole family so was with my life. I unwillingly must obey to whatever he ordered me to. I used to understand as an heir of Burdough family meant that I had to be selfless but fearless. All I knew was actually to obey anything Dad had decided to me.
"If that's what you want, I understand," I just sit for less than 10 minutes and then sat up again. "If that's the only reason you called me here, then I shall take my leave,"
As he treated me unlike his own son, I treated him as the chairman of the group. They didn't ask about my well being, my studies, or even any random things in my life. Even Dad didn't ask me his opinion on this arranged marriage.
I never confronted at every decision that he made to me, so I never knew how to do once.
I needed to get stronger to break the leash. I needed to wait until the day I had all the access to our family's inheritance. But I didn't have any choice for now. I must agreed on this marriage.
*****
I had a very weird dream. Keane came to me, with a face full of worry. I knew exactly it was a dream since no way he wanted to talk to me unless it's only in my mind. He said to me in a soft voice
"I missed you,"
We were already a year of being apart, I even had distorted memories of him. I didn't really remember his voice was this soft and nice.
"I missed you more," my voice was weaker and even cracked. I even shed tears when I was able to see him even it's just a dream.
He kissed me. His lips was really soft and plump, it felt way too real but of course it's just a dream. The sensation of kissing him made me realized that it's time to follow my heart instead.
Adrien called me in the morning. He asked me what just happened last night. I didn't really remember actually. All I remembered was I just got back from my house and he invited me to the party. He then told me to look for the live session last night. He congratulated me before he hung up the call.
He sent me the link and I clicked on it.
So yesterday's dream was actually not only a dream. The thing was it's not Keane that I met with, but Simone instead. We were caught kissing passionately during the live. It was very intimate, there's no way it didn't cause an uproar.
Simone was a popular girl at campus. Almost everyone also knew that she targeted me but I always kept her hanging. But last night was the farewell party for the second semester so I didn't really have liability to control my drinking limit. I was way too wasted. I didn't also remember meeting with Simone while sober.
I called Simone right away and wanted to say sorry. The kiss wasn't meant to her.
"You don't have to. I already know that. You called another person's name last night,"
Oh sh-! Did she find out?
"Who's K by the way? Is she your ex?"
"Yeah, sort of..."
I didn't try to correct her or add more, a simple sorry and clear explanation on how I only saw her as a friend only should be more than enough.
After that happened, I cleaned myself from drinking. Being drunk and blackout was too terrifying. I was afraid more shameful occurrence to happen in future so there was no other way. I could not run away forever.
I flew back once again, to seek for him. I hoped a simple sight of him could cure me. But he was nowhere not in his place also. I was going back to my old place to rest a while.
It was a miracle to find someone laid on my bed and slept so soundly. The person I wanted to see the most finally appeared right in front of me.
Keane looked very tired and didn't even hear the noise I made when going in. I sat at the edge part of the bed and stared at this angel. I missed him so much. I missed his presence, his face, his all. If only time could stop forever like this.
When he opened his eyes, I held myself not to pinch my cheek to make sure it's not another blackout moment. I didn't drink at all. There's no way this was just another dream. He was real.
I prepped meal for him while I gathered all courage to settle with him. Today there would be no Brian the coward anymore. I knew I only wanted him, so I should do whatever to grab him.
I explained everything and sorted things with him. I even explained about my arranged marriage. Well, I did not really tell them about the 'marriage'. I just told him that I must get engaged with Nina. Hopefully, I could find a way to break it off. I begged him to wait for me, and he just nodded.
If only he knew the day I had waited the most was when I finally able to call him 'babe'.
I love you so much, babe.
That's nothing but honesty. I finally could speak it out. I truly loved him. I wondered why I must deal with a year full of torment when being honest was the only way. I should have done this before. But still, it's better late than never.
I could not dare to imagine if it never happened.
*****
When I opened my eyes, I saw a very familiar scene that I craved the most. I could smell the citrus around the room and a sweet scent from Keane's cologne.
"Babe," since I was able to call him by that, it became a habit to randomly just called him anytime.
He was still drowsy but could hear me calling.
"Nothing," I touched his rosy cheek carefully. It's real. He was really mine. "If somehow I become a jerk, will you still love me?"
He must be really tired thus he hadn't yet gained any strength to answer me. What the hell was I thinking, though?
"You're a jerk already,"
I didn't expect an answer from him, but his weak voice startled me. I couldn't help to laugh. "You're right. If I am then why do you like me in the first place?"
He rubbed his eyes, yawned, and hugged me. "I don't like you," before I reacted to his statement, he silenced me with his hand, "I love you to death,"
"You silly, don't love me too much," I patted his head. You will only get hurt.
"Okay," he continued sleeping in my embrace.
"Babe," after a long silence, I called him again.
He crawled in my arm while refused to wake up.
"Why do you like me? I will call you forever until I have an answer,"
"I don't know," he got annoyed already. "Your face it is,"
I smirked. "So this is the kind of face that you like?"
"Not really," he finally fully awoke then looked straight to my eyes. "You have annoying face actually, the kind that I cannot easily get rid off of my mind,"
I smiled wider. "So you always think of me?"
"Especially when I'm hungry,"
I laughed and finally went off bed. "Last night you promised we'd go for a brunch instead," I reached his hand and dragged him out of bed.
He reluctantly walked to prep up. When he opened up his shirt to change clothes, I noticed a necklace that he wore. It was the same as mine.
"Did you buy it?"
He looked at me and then at the neck that I pointed. "Yes, the same thing I gave to you,"
"Why did you buy it? I should be the one to!"
He just giggled. "I'm not that broke. I just got a bonus so I decided to buy the same pair so that we would be like a couple, didn't we?"
I couldn't accept the fact that I was too ignorant not to buy him earlier. All that I gave him was this place, which was just a small and insignificant thing. I swore to myself, and to him, I should bring him everything he wanted in the world.
Once I became the heir of Burdough family, only then I could decide everything for myself and him.
But the only thing in my mind suddenly echoed, when would it be?
Even after marrying Nina, everything was not like I pictured. Dad was still in his position unmoved. Due to our in law's network, Burdough family became stronger as well. I could not see any opportunity to break the marriage in the short time.
Every time I visited Keane, I could see his pain and sorrow. I also wanted to live here forever with him. I was the only one that wanted to cut off ties with Burdough family the most. I wished I'd never been born in this family at all.
But all I could ask him was to wait for the right time to come.
In most of the series of events that troubled me the most was when Nina announced that she was pregnant. I didn't know how to tell Keane about this. Would he be okay with this? Wasn't it considered as a real cheating to him?
So I told him earlier as possible. I told him everything he should know. I didn't mean it at all, it's all because of the pressure from both families that asked me for an heir. It's suffocating for both of me and Nina to face such demands. I swore to Keane I only touched her once, and it was the worst experience ever.
I told him with such a grief, then he patted my head and hugged me instead.
"That's supposed to be a happy news for you, don't cry,"
"But baby, I felt like I cheated on you, I'm disgusted with myself,"
"It's okay. I understand, it's not something that you can avoid if you're married,"
I looked at him. His eyes were shaken as if he was about to cry too. I could not bear to see him anymore.
"What to do... What should I do..." what kind of punishment that I should take now?
"Look at me, hey," he called me. "It's okay, I can wait, you must have any plan on your mind, right?"
Actually, I had no idea. I didn't know on what to do anymore. How could I be released from these two families? How could I really come clean and start all over again with him?
Could we even live as a normal couple just like other people?
******
When I received a text message by Rusty, I ran away from the meeting room before dismissal. Dad was there along with all Commissioner but I could think no more.
Keane was gone, could you come here?
Gone? What did he mean with gone?
Ever since I met with Rusty, I knew that he liked Keane. I didn't complain or got jealous with him, but I felt relieved instead. I knew he would accompany Keane whenever I was unavailable. I didn't want Keane to be lonelier, even if his friend had a feeling to him, I should be okay with it.
When Keane asked for a breakup, I was a bit relieved such a person would stay with him. Keane was a stubborn and never took care of his health. He often forgot to eat and careless with his food intake. But at least I could rely on Rusty for the time being.
I drove by myself to Rusty place with a million questions in my mind. It's already a week since I met Keane for the last time, where would he be gone? There would be no other place that I could think about of his whereabouts. Moreover, he was not that kind of person who would runaway without notice.
When I was in front of the door, it was widely opened. I could saw a man sitting with his messy hair and crying endlessly. I decided to get in and then he stopped crying for a while.
"I didn't think he would do that..."
"Do what?" I still didn't understand.
"Why did he love you more than his own life..."
"Why? What happened? What do you mean? Where is he now?"
He looked at me and his eyes were so lifeless. "He's gone,"
"Gone to where?"
"I don't know where he is now..."
"How could he even leave? Where were you?" I could not restrain my anxiety anymore. I grabbed his collar to look at me in the eye and tell the truth.
But he cried and even howled. I could sense his sorrow and cried along with him. A picture of him leaving me still lingered and it haunted me back. This man's voice was nowhere to be heard, so I rushed to get out and tried to find him anywhere possible.
"There's no point..." he suddenly talked, finally. I stopped right after leaving the door.
"Did you know where he is? I could convince him back,"
"No..." his voice, why was he so weak?
"You better tell me what's going on," I came back to grab his collar again.
He released himself and went to the bathroom instead. I followed him, waiting for his explanation. But when I looked to the bathroom, a sudden horror hit me. There were blood stains everywhere. I never saw a place messier than what I just saw except in a crime movie. I already had a bad feeling ever since he texted me, but it's worsen.
That man looked at my terrified eyes, "When I just came back I found him lying with blood everywhere, it's too late..."
I could not talk anymore. So he's gone to "that" place. But...
"Why..." my voice was too weak for him to hear.
He cleaned up the mess when I did not even move an inch, trying to process the whole thing.
"He never wanted to eat anything, never responded to anything unless I mentioned your name. I thought everything could be better as days passed, but he suddenly did this... I don't understand what he's even thinking..."
"Did he leave a note?"
He shook his head. "You can search everywhere, nothing."
I rushed to his room and looked for anything that I could find. I opened his suitcase but only pieces of clothing and random things inside. Then I snatched his phone lying on the bed. His lock screen was the picture of mine and it's unlocked. I opened our chatroom, and there was an unsent message,
If I left, your life wouldn't get hard anymore, right? I wouldn't be in pain anymore too, right?
No! You're wrong K! After you left I found it harder to breathe or even to live for another day. I could never imagine such a time to come when I finally could not see you. I thought being left by you was the worst thing I must bear. If I could ever see you even though you're not mine, it felt like a heaven already.
But you didn't only leave like before, you left me alone here. Your choice was only filling me with regrets and guilt forever. If only you wouldn't love such a coward like me, your life should be lovely. At least you would never be this miserable.
"Not a single letter, huh?"
If the time could be reversed, I would push you away from me. I would never let you grow such a feeling to me. You would never have a good ending being with me.
That man was sitting on the desk inside Keane's room. "He once told me before your breakup, why should he live for if there's no you in his future. I thought he didn't really mean that. But... But why did he do this?"
I didn't answer at all. It's not something I could explain on behalf of Keane. Even I would be delighted to hear his reasons.
I decided to keep the phone and stood up for leaving the place. "Where did you bury him?"
He shared the place through the chat. I didn't really talk anymore but just went straight to the place. A picture of his youth still hung on his burial. It's real. He's really leaving me like that.
"So is this your punishment?" I was crying, laughing, I didn't even know what I was doing.
At a point I could not take it anymore, I felt my body getting lighter until I could not feel anything at all. When I woke up, I was sleeping in front of his grave. I didn't have any intention to leave him. I didn't know where should I go anymore. I couldn't think of any place to be called home either. I didn't have anyone who gets me at the end.
I just wanted to be with you, and I didn't get a chance to tell you this clearly.
I don't care of anything anymore. Everything that I try to gain in order to be with you, it has no meaning anymore.
What should I do to make you come back to me?
You make me the loneliest person on earth now, and I'm forced to live every day with regret.
But all the memories that we had, the smile of yours, I never dare not to treasure it,
Because it's the only thing that made me feel a glimpse of joy.
Note:
This is the alter-story of [One Shot] Loneliest Day