I nervously went to the room. It was exactly the same venue as mentioned in the invitation.
And here I was. The big sign showed this would be the C High School '97 Class Reunion. I was coming too early, there were only just a bunch of staffs from the hotel who were running their errands. I decided to go out and looked for anyone I could recognize. But none of them I barely knew so I just went out for a smoke. I went to another building rooftop, quite far away from the hotel just in case to avoid people.
I texted any old friend that I still got contacted with, they were all still on the way.
Oh well, it seemed I was the only one who's being too eager to attend this kind of event.
As much as I smoked, I felt my chest so stuffed. My mind was getting messier when I looked at the time. In any minute, any hour or any time, it would finally happen anyway.
What would she wear, what would she look like now,
I knew exactly how my mind was so filled with a lot of imagination. Of her. Of Edith. My first crush I had on high school. A lovely girl with a warm smile and sweet dimples. Whenever I thought of her, I could feel again a burning passion of my younger self.
It had been 25 years yet I still could remember anything, especially how I secretly had a crush on her.
I thought I could forget her easily. I thought it was just a puppy love that I could simply let go of. But even after all these years, whenever I thought of her and our silly time, I realized I lived longing for such memories to reoccur.
After finishing half pack, I decided it was time for me to appear to the event. Being late for half an hour would make my friends think I was quite reluctant to join the reunion. I made sure they already came so that I would be in the crowd.
I greeted them one by one, looked to their well-suited appearance. Everyone had lived their best lives too, I supposed. And I knew exactly their aims to attend this event. To compare our achievement with each other. Even though I hated such idea, I didn't mind as long as I had achieved my goal to be here.
To meet Edith and have a view of her well-being.
I excused myself first to get a drink. In fact, I was looking everywhere to see her presence. I looked at many faces and didn't get to find anyone who had familiar face. I made sure she confirmed herself to attend the reunion, but where was she?
Perhaps she was late. Or perhaps she just went somewhere, but I would not leave this place before I met her.
When I joined back to my friends, one of them, Eric suggested something that's brilliant. He asked if it's okay if we gathered with the girls from our class. Everyone okayed and it's been decided while I didn't give my opinion yet. It's a very great idea in fact, it's the best thing that ever came from her mouth. He was the clown of the class, he was friendly to anyone too but typically, the kind of him was suck at studying. All he did was joking around during school.
Before we could meet with everyone, the MC had informed us to take our seats because the main event was about to start. Eric told us to secure our places first and for the girls too then he was gone to search them. We were all agreed and scattered ourselves to reserve for about thirty-something spots.
I anxiously sat and looked for a sight of someone.
In anytime, I would get a chance to meet her.
What would I do if I really saw her today? Should I greet her properly? Or should I talk to her casually, like the way we did before? Should I give her a smile first or a greet first? What kind of topic I should bring out first? About her job? her families? her hobbies?
The more I was drowned by my own thoughts, the nervousness was getting at its peak. I hoped I didn't mess our meeting after all, not with my awkward self.
And there they were, the girls from our class. I could see them walking and take their own seats. And absolutely, I saw her also among the girls.
She was... as beautiful as I remembered. Perhaps it's from my subjective view no matter how she became, I would still think her a beauty.
One thing for sure, she reminded me of how much we aged. She was no longer young, but so was I. She looked mature and elegant in her own way. She might a bit clumsy but her friendliness radiated from the way she greeted everyone, including me.
She asked me, how are you.
She sat quite close to me, it's two seats away in front of me. That's the best seat I should be thankful for. Another seat away would make her far from my sight, let alone talking.
"Good," I knew she couldn't hear me well from here.
Because our distance was not good to start a conversation, I could only take a glance as long as I could. I noticed how attentive she was during our group talk. She listened to everyone and took a turn to join the talk.
She was working in a bank and had two kids. Her husband was working in a coal mining company. They lived in D city, it's 7 hours ride from our hometown, here. That's because of her husband workplace was mainly at site thus they decided to live there from a long time ago.
She lived nicely.
When I was about to tell them my story, Darren interrupted.
"Come on, who wouldn't know him here, huh?"
I just laughed. All I could was laughing though. One way or another, they would know me, or even almost everything about my life. I had married with Edna, a well-established actress. Our lives, even I clearly mentioned not to expose myself, were having spotlight in media. I was a businessman and we met through friends. We had one daughter named Edith. Yes, I named her by my crush name, hoping she would grow beautifully like Edith that I liked. It's a fact Edna never knew. She thought it's a combination of our names and the name was not bad too.
They asked how's Edna doing these days. Well, she was preparing for her next movie but it's still something I was unaware of, I didn't really remember who were the casts. Then they asked in turn about many things, mostly about the entertainment industry. I told them many times I barely knew anyone from her friends and I respected her work circle very much, I didn't want to involve any further.
And there she was, listening to my every words, sometimes giggling. She didn't take a turn to ask me anything but I was relieved instead. If she asked more about Edna, I might be more annoyed.
The event had started, starting with many speeches from many people. It's very noisy inside since everyone tried to talk with their old friends too. Sometimes we needed to talk louder because we couldn't hear anyone voice at all.
"Hey, you brought a lighter?" Edith leaned on my side, whispering.
I was startled, obviously. We never had been this close before. I nodded to her question and she signaled us to get out from here.
She walked to the outdoor space near the venue but she then moved to somewhere else looking for quieter place. When she made sure no one was around, she asked the thing. I handed out the lighter from my pocket.
"Why? Never saw a woman smoking before?"
I was standing still not because of seeing her smoking, obviously. But for having this kind of chance that I always imagined and tried to make it true, to have a private time like this, seemed like a miracle.
"No," I put out my cigarette and lighted it up. "I was about to go out too before,"
"Too noisy for you?"
I nodded, looking away and trying hard to hide my awkwardness.
"So you live in D now, when did you come?"
"I happened to take a month leave to visit my parents here so I'm able to come,"
Looking from the way she smoked, she was a regular too.
I wouldn't bring a family topic here to avoid her asking her the same question, so I asked more about her work. I tried to connect our dots, trying to explore everything about her professionally. I noticed I was the only person standing nervously here, she leaned her backs to the wall in leisure and even be able to breathe in easily.
And then when we're comfortable enough in our chit chats, our eyes were met unintentionally. This was the moment, I thought.
"You know, I used to like you back then," I avoided her eye contact, but I sensed his body became stiff so she changed her standing position.
"I know, it's pretty obvious. I used to like you too, did you notice it by the way?"
What?
There's no way I didn't look to her eyes. For a second I thought this was just my imagination, or she just tried to make a bad joke here. But her eyes told me it's real. She sincerely used to like me too.
"I guess no, you never asked me at the end," she looked shy and smiled nervously.
She made me speechless. I was about to lose my mind here. Apparently this was my reaction when I realized there's a way to end this misery.
"Do you remember when you handed me your notebook to save me from Mr. Dean's punishment? That's when I fall for you first time,"
I was astonished, I didn't think we would have this kind of moment. I thought it's just all in my mind and everything happened between us, it's exclusively saved by myself only.
"Oh! And there's a time when you punched Eric and asked him to stop joking around because he started to pick on me?" she laughed. "You changed the mood rapidly but he deserved it, what an ass,"
I remembered. I even remembered how her face was darkened because the offensive word. Perhaps Eric liked her too back then. He just mistakenly took the wrong approach and annoyed her.
Tell me more. Tell me everything you remember.
"You always protected me, I never get to say thank you before, so... yeah... thank you,"
"I still remembered everything, every memories related with you. It's like everything happened just yesterday," I never set my eyes off of her since. "I guess I still like you now too, it never stops,"
She was quiet after then. "Look-,"
"I like you, Edith. You'll never know what I feel when you said you used to like me too," I interrupted her. I was about to confess and nothing could ever stop me. It's something I should have done a long time ago. Everything would turn out right if I wasn't coward. I would never live miserably like I had now.
"Ben," the way she called my name, I felt so addicted. Call me more. "I like you too. I still do now too. Every time you appeared on TV, I couldn't forget you. You make me forget that we're getting old, that our lives are no longer ours,"
That's exactly what I feel too.
"Then-,"
"There's no then," she cut me, like she really wanted to call it off when we had not started anything at all. "I had faced the truth, we're aged and we can't be that selfish only to devour our greed,"
"No. You don't understand. I lived everyday longing for this moment, looking for a chance to fix my mistake. I did everything to forget you, to live like anyone else, to make myself busy so I would not think of you. I married too, I thought I could replace you finally, but I failed," all of a sudden, Edna just appeared to my mind and I felt guilty.
"I cannot help myself not to think of you every day, every night, every time. But now, when you told me that you feel the same as I do, don't you think you're giving me chance?"
She looked straight to my eyes, with the same expression that I had for her.
"Are you okay if you lose everything you have now to be with me?" it's as if she was looking for an assurance.
"I'm already losing my mind now for sure," I couldn't make this thing more seriously than before. "But for heaven's sake, you can take everything I have in order to be with you,"
"What about your family?" that's the least topic I always tried to avoid.
I loved my wife, I even loved my daughter more. But everything was started wrongly, the more I looked at them, the more I felt guilty. They just loved a husband and a father that was full of lies. I just didn't want to pretend as someone else anymore.
Oh God, if this is really a sin, for this once, let me indulge it more in blissful.
I never dared myself to be closer with her. I was afraid I would lose myself more. But such lust inside me daringly pushed myself one step away towards her.
"My family, my wealth, my status, whatever I owned, everything I built, every stuff I possessed, any pride I stood up for, just take them all," I whispered to her ears.
I could clearly see how the lives with her. We might take a hard route to be together but I already thought about it earlier. My what-if scenarios that went too far took me to many plans ahead. All I needed was a permission from her.
"But I can't," she pulled herself away from me. "I can't leave my kids, and I can't be too selfish to part them with their father,"
I reached out my hands, begged her to hold mine. She didn't want it. She rejected everything I asked.
"Edna is a wonderful wife, don't you think? And Edith, yes Edith your daughter... Oh God, really? Was there any other name popped up from your head when you named your baby?"
I just wanted to be able to call the person I loved the most anytime. My daughter was also the one I loved, there's only one name I always wanted to call such name tenderly.
Edith.
"Just think it straight. You made a mistake, I did too. But this isn't how we should fix it. We just need to let this all go. Can you?"
I looked at her. She couldn't be so serious. He knew it herself how impossible it was for us.
If only it'd be that easy, I wouldn't be here pathetically. I would never beg you like this. If only everything would go away as you told me, why would I still long for such illusion?
"I ask you first, can you?"
She was startled, even she was unsure of it. I knew it really that we shared the strong bond as strong as with each other.
"All these years, aren't you too fed up with such lies you told to yourself? All I need is just one word, can you give me a chance to make up my mistake?"
She laughed. Don't push me, she said in confusion. I knew she wanted to say yes, the word was on the verge of her mouth.
She snatched my cigarette pack and took out one. It was one different brand, it had lighter and cleaner taste than hers. She was nervous, I could see. She might never think this would happen.
"If you need more time to think, then..."
"No, my answer is still no," she looked away from me, unable to meet my eyes.
"You lied to yourself," I insisted her to look me closely. "Tell me with your eyes," I pulled his body to mine, grabbed both her arms so she had no other choice.
"No," the answer was still the same, but those eyes, were shaking hard and I sensed a hint of fears too.
I had no heart to push her anymore.
"I'm not ready for the consequences. I just planned to tell you this so I can end this feelings and move on with my life. That's what I always wished for,"
He pulled herself away.
"I'm not ready and never be," tears were running from her eyes. But she once again moved towards me and pressed her lips to mine. It's raw and happened too quick. I didn't have time to react and welcome her.
"Goodbye," she bid her farewell and went away.
I could feel her. I could still feel her presence even when it happened in less than 5 seconds. The kiss. She must be the cruelest human being ever existed. I longed for her more. I could take away everything of my possession undoubtedly if it's only for another kiss.
If only I could get another kiss another touch from her, I would happily welcome whatever worst thing that could happen right now.
I ran to the venue, finding her sitting at her previous seat. I sat to my seat too, unable to look any other view but her. She acted like nothing ever happened. But she never let me talk to her. She ignored me all the time.
When the main event was finished, she just went away with the girls, let her swarming around her friends so I never got a chance to talk again.
The only possible way was to make a scene. But was it worth to try? All eyes would be on us let alone someone would take a video of it. There would be many speculations and gossips going around even when we did nothing at all. We even had not started anything yet.
Goodbye.
I finally realized that our stars would not be aligned. If I pushed her too hard, I would only create another mistake. She decided to live on, I must respect her choice and did the same to my life. I had lived 25 years like this, several years ahead shouldn't be any worse.
I bet there would be many people like us, trying hard to lie to ourselves and live as nothing happened. But my feelings and my determination were bigger than anyone, why couldn't I be any different?
When I looked to the mirror in my closet, I could see myself breathing in irony. Getting brokenhearted in this age felt way worse than a breakup song.
I saw Eric invited me to the group chat and shared the photos we took on reunion. One of the group member was Edith so I got her number effortlessly. I was determined to make it right, even if it meant I would be the worst person to live.
I texted her without introduction.
I am coming for you, wherever you are. Let's meet again, just two of us.
I never felt my heart racing like this before. It could blew up in any moment. I stared at the screen, waiting for her responses.
The only answer from Edith was her location. I looked at myself to the mirror, the same position I saw my pitiful sight before. That person was gone nowhere. The old Benedict that reluctantly lived for another day was finally dead. I could live another life now. It's finally my time, our times.
We only live once, no?
***
P.S.
You might see this trope a lot, and somehow I kinda obsessed by the thought of it.
As an adult, you'd finally realized that your life had its own pattern you should follow, determined by society. You'd feel like you're wrongly living your life, that you let your younger self down. You became the person you used to hate but you didn't know how to make it better.
I believed each part of us had been guilty with ourselves.
We were full of lies, full of hiding our true selves. You're living everyday just to keep it from everyone. You filled your lies with more lies, at least until you died. Adultery was also a common thing between adults and showed their weakness of resisting such desire to wreck themselves.
