How could I even describe him?
He is not my lover,
Yet he is more than anyone I would care about.
He is not my brother,
Yet our connection are thicker than blood.
He is not just my best friend,
Yet he is the person I want to spend my whole life with the most.
All I know, we are as if one soul and whenever I am with him, I never felt safer than anywhere.
A hand was grabbing the man's hand. He was way older than him and even more experienced, but he got nervous easily. The other man just smiled with a naughty grin,
"You're the best person I ever knew, you'll kill it immediately!"
He was looking at the person who smiled brightly and somehow the happy virus was transmitted to him.
He nodded and the anxiety disappeared in a flash.
But they never let the other hands go. They came up to the stage together. They rocked the stage until the audiences went wild. The hands were holding to each other even until the last bow.
The one who held him, who was younger and taller named Kaz, and the other man named Sho. They hugged and praised to each other endlessly. The energy was too bright and positive. No one really wanted to let them apart when watched the two.
After the performance, Sho had a very high confidence to himself. But Kaz, he realized something was growing. He really admired Sho but even depended on him more than before.
He craved for success, but he must gained it along with Sho, and all that he wanted was how to be success with him too.
Can I never let go of you?
"Don't leave me,"
Kaz was shocked when Sho whispered to him. That was what he yearned to tell him too. How could such a person, with a contrast personality to him, able to complete himself wholly?
"Sho,"
The man whispered back. "You too,"
Both of them, immersed in a crowd of applause, still hugged awkwardly. It took more than a minute to let go of each other when the MC asked them to bow to audience for one last time.
The day after, they met to celebrate their victory. The first project was well executed, all thanks to Sho's unimaginable skill. Kaz took a big part to make the message was delivered. The celebration was mainly to praise both of them.
Kaz was looking at Sho, who was crowded by some groupies and his face was getting dark. Sho was mine only. But then he decided not to think more and joined the group. He quickly replaced the seat next to Sho. He tried to be casually blended in.
Sho smiled wider when he knew Kaz was beside him. He always felt uneasy in a group talk or gathering like this, but Kaz was there to help him, finally. He was more than relieved to see Kaz because the man was a social butterfly. He could rely on him for this kind of ocassion.
It's always like this and without even telling to each other, they both harmonized perfectly. It's amazing when the two realized their existence next to each other was like fated.
Sho tried to hide his relief when Kaz tried to lead the talk but never insisted Sho to join or respond. Sho didn't even hope to be asked and Kaz knew it exactly so he always responded them instead.
It's nice to have Kaz by his side. Sho selfishly thought he would do whatever to make him around. And who would have expected that's also what Kaz always thought too.
As for Kaz, he didn't understand how a social butterfly like him would be obsessed with one person only. Even if he was about to choose between an exciting gathering full of his closest friends with a silent moment with Sho only, it's considered a kind of insult to him actually. There was no place as exciting with no Sho in it. But again, he knew Sho too well. Sho wouldn't want him to miss such a moment as well.
"What are you laughing at?" Someone asked Kaz when he's lost in thought.
"No, I'm just wondering what should we do next?" He stared at Sho and Sho smiled as if he got the answer.
"I am considering to stay," Sho shyly sounded. Kaz liked the idea too much. He just wanted to add another opinion to open the studio but a girl just responded back before he even had a chance.
"There's a world championship event in about a month, I registered you both and I just had the response, you passed the first screening!"
No way! A month is too short!
Kaz was trying to catch a glimpse on Sho. He worried Sho will be overworked again. It happened before and he hated that moment the most. As a perfectionist in nature, Sho always pushed himself to provide the best and he didn't even take care of anything even his health.
"Sho," Kaz was living next to his place so it's natural to walk him home after drinks. It's obvious Sho already put his mind to the event while walking home.
Sho stopped to unlock the door and saw Kaz was standing behind.
"Maybe we should cancel to participate,"
"No, that would be rude," as a good guy in nature, his weakness was to refuse an offer.
"But you should take care of yourself before anything else. Why don't we just settle and open a studio? Isn't it great?"
Sho was amazed at first hearing his offer. Opening his own studio was always his goal. He was hesitating at first to ask Kaz about this since he saw the man's still burning for competition.
"That's great too, but let's promise this to be the last, okay?"
Kaz was greatly worried more. It's true he craved to be the best, but Sho was beyond everything to him. He didn't want to take the risk. Besides, he also dreamed owning a building where he opened a dance studio and a pub at ground floor. He would teach dancing with Sho at noon while also operate a pub at night. Isn't that how people settle down?
While Sho was reminiscing Kaz ever told him that he wanted to be a world class champion. He still remembered his passionate eyes while saying such things. Whatever risk ahead, isn't that worth to die for?
The day after, as if the word of "taking a break" was unknown to him, Sho was seen preparing for the event. Kaz could not bear to look at his beloved. It's so heartbreaking to see how thin he was already. But he knew Sho better, no one could stop him from now on. All Kaz could do was doing his part better.
Papa Kaz, during the preparation everyone would call Kaz this way. He took care of Sho the most, provided everything to support Sho the best. While Sho was pouring all his mind to strategize, Kaz was taking care of Sho's body and routine as a valuable treasure. During these times, Kaz even slept at Sho's to make sure he got a proper life.
Since both were creating such suspicions, a group of staff came over Kaz when he just bought a lunch to them both. It's the same girl who registered them to the event and created the mess. When Kaz was seeing her, he almost coughed up blood but he tried to be calm.
"You're taking care of Sho greatly these days. However... You know... Somehow... You understand, right?"
Kaz frowned. "What?"
The girl didn't know what to say, so she just asked him bluntly, "Why do you have to do such things? They're extremely suspicious of your relationship now. As long as I know you, you're quite distant to such personal matters,"
Kaz just smiled but his aura was so dark. He felt he could kill someone immediately. "I do this simply because I want to, do you have any objection to my doing actually?"
The girl shook her head. "No, but why? What is he to you? Sho is not a baby, he can take care of himself alone,"
That is the most ridiculous statement I ever heard, Kaz thought.
"Oh? Didn't you know already? We're married, since you all call me Papa Kaz, why don't you greet Mama Sho too?"
Kaz just went away after that. When he opened the room where he practiced with Sho, he saw the man was standing near the window. Kaz had a feeling he overheard the conversation just now.
"Lunch is ready. Yours, the bland one while mine, the hell version of spiciness,"
Sho took the food blankly. No, his mind wasn't blank but full of thoughts already. When they took the first bite, Sho still kept silent.
"Look, you don't need to listen what she said. Just focus on what you do already, okay? What I'm doing also a part of great teamwork," Kaz talked with a mouth full of food. "Or, you disagree when I said we're married to her? Why? We sleep together, share a bed, see each other every day everytime,"
Kaz's heart was about to burst when Sho didn't even try to deny it.
"On top of that, why should I be a Mama?"
"Mama's cute while Papa's strong, period,"
Sho was frowning more when hearing 'cute' from Kaz. He didn't want to admit that an older guy was called cute by a young boy. But inside, he could feel the butterflies when the 'married' word was echoed.
Then, I lay my whole to you, please take care of it nicely.
When the big day was approaching, Kaz could see Sho was so tense, it's worse than before. He was not ready yet and there's no enough time. He could not get a proper sleep, he sleep-talked every night and the sound was eerie. Kaz hugged him and patted until he relaxed a little. He more worried that he exerted himself too much.
"It's okay... We don't have to win every time..." He shushed the man that was at his embrace.
"No... I must... We must... Your dream..."
Kaz remembered something. It had been years when he first saw Sho. He looked to the man that years more experienced than him, much more older, and more talented as well. He said to the man that his dream was to become a world class champion so he asked him to teach him mercilessly. He must become that one no matter what. He aimed to be the best. He would not rest before he achieved it. He had no way out except to be a champion, the best of all.
Nothing would be more heartbreaking when Kaz realized that Sho was pushing himself not just because his nature, moreover it's because of him.
"I only want you to sleep peacefully now..." Kaz voice was too low and hoarse, as if the nails were piercing his insides.
He hugged the agitated person while hid his tears. He didn't have a heart to ask him to stop anymore. He just wanted to put Sho's delicate body to his embrace, forever.
How in the world he deserved this only person? He must be in debt for life.
The day after, Kaz was never letting Sho's hand away. He gripped the hand, holding his arm as long as he could. Sho was confused at all times but decided to let him do whatever. Unexpectedly due to the constant skinship, Sho was more relaxed than he was before. Kaz was lending more energy to him.
"Sho, you're great! We're more than great! You did great! We can do it!" Such praise from Kaz made Sho less anxious. He could smile brightly. But something in his eyes made Kaz worried.
He was exhausted. Could he even hold on?
Kaz went straight to the pharmacy, asking for any supplement that came on his mind. He brought any food that Sho liked, any drink, snack, everything. Sho was in such a bad condition, even though he made sure that he was well-fed, had enough sleep, he could not control what's on the mind. It's bad, real bad and Kaz could feel it.
But Sho insisted that he was so fit and ready to battle. He was always like this, unaware of his self.
The day had come finally. Kaz was persistent to never let his hands away from Sho's. He patted, softly touched the restless man to cast a spell on him. He smiled, laughed, did his best to cheer Sho up. He was the best at the field when it comes to distract Sho during the competition.
When their time was up, Kaz looked at Sho and he still put the weights on him. His eyes could not focus so he called the man gently,
"Sho," when Sho was finally looking at him, he put a big smile and slowly approach the lips. He always wanted to erase the other person's mind far away, kissing him could be the best way that he never did before.
Of course Sho was stunned. What was that? What's that for? What just happened?
"You're doing great and we'll rock the stage undoubtedly," Kaz showed a naught grin with full of confidence.
There was no time to even think what he just did, they were called and it's time to show themselves to the world.
As expected, they both did well. It's as if the previous thirty participants were sort of dusts. All eyes were mesmerized, it was too beautiful, powerful, how breathtaking!
Kaz was the first to reach Sho's hands after they finished the performance. Sho was looking at him, happiness was beyond explanation. Every time he had a chance to perform with him, he could feel an unidentified magical thing was around. What kind of spell that he chanted? He never expected such great chemistry could even existed between partners.
Right after they went down on stage, Sho felt something unusual happened. Was it a heart attack? Why he could not breath easily? And right when he wanted to call for Kaz that was walking in front of him, a hand was reaching his own hand, unwanted to let go. Kaz was staring at him with wary eyes. Did he notice already?
There were more than twenty participants hadn't performed yet, so they
decided to go back to the audience seat to watch the rest. None of them
were watching the performance attentively, they were lost in their own
thought.
"About what you did at backstage..."
Kaz was turning his head away. "I felt I needed it to do it, but I kinda wanted it too," he was unsure to tell him, but he was afraid if he would hide it by himself forever, "Do you hate it?" Kaz asked in fright.
Sho understood clearly he talked about the kiss. "No," he tried to hide his reddened cheek.
"It didn't mean I love you," Kaz added, hearing this, instead of shocked by his blunt words, Sho was feeling depressed.
He wanted to peek at the person who was sitting beside him, but he was suddenly afraid to do so.
"Love is too shallow to define what I feel to you. I know better than anyone that you did this to me but if something happens to you, I couldn't forgive myself. So, please whatever the result will be, I don't fucking care more than your well-being,"
Kaz was no longer looking at the stage but looking right at Sho with his watery eyes. Sho could see love, care, tenderness, determination, even worries at those eyes. He reached to Kaz hands, patted him, and just nodded weakly.
Perhaps Kaz could see that he was too weak and as pale as dead man already. He just realized that he's not okay. Something was going wrong but telling him would make it worse. After the event then he promised himself to check his own condition.
"Sho! Final! We're going to final!"
All he could hear was Kaz's loud shouting. It seemed he was lost in his messy thought. What was he doing? He was finally able to go to final that he had even prepared but he forgot the most important thing. His health. His energy was too drained, whatever efforts that he spent would be ashes if he had no breath to battle for the last time.
One last time, just one last time and it's over.
Sho knew the best it could be his last time. He mustered the last force he had for this one last stage. He should go for checkup sooner than he predicted. After this event, asking Kaz to company him would be fine, right?
At the end, he did the best as if nothing really happened, except his cold hands. When Kaz was about to hold his hands right after finished, he was relieved that he wore hand gloves instead. But his shaky hands were easily recognized. At the backstage, Kaz opened the gloves and threw them away, he was in horror. He touched Sho lips, face, all was as cold as ice. How could a living person be this cold?
"No, I can wait for the result, then we will go to hospital," Sho was determined when Kaz was in panic.
The announcement was taking longer than they hoped for, Sho was lying his body to Kaz, short in breath, exactly like a dying person. And no one was as horrified as Kaz.
Sho was trying hard to walk to the stage to get the result. Kaz was holding his tears when seeing his beloved action. But right when the two was walking under the spotlight, they acted as pro. It's obvious to say that they were the winners, even the gap score was huge. And after it was announced officially, Kaz was no longer holding his tears. To the audience it looked like for the victory, but Sho understood him more, so he patted the sobbing man.
"Congrats, you deserved it,"
Kaz shook his head. "Please, just let's go immediately,"
Sho was crying too finally. He nodded and knew whatever happened inside his, it's getting worse. He was afraid at last. He didn't even want to let go of the man's embrace. He feared that the last time he was alive, he's alone.
But when Sho was taken by ambulance, he was already unconscious. No matter how much Kaz was shaking his body, there was no force left. Only a short and weak breath, but that's more than enough for Kaz.
Kaz was gripping the man's hand and a sudden miracle seemed to happen. He felt a weak force on Sho's hand, tapping his hand to ask him to look at his face. He tried to open his eyes but he just couldn't. Kaz put away the oxygen mask that was surrounding him then approached the face of his beloved closer.
"Sorry..." a weak voice was coming out with all Sho's might.
"Sorry for what? No... You did nothing wrong... Sho... Hold on, just stay awake, okay?"
Sho smiled, he knew it's too impossible. His time had come and he was sorry to leave him early.
"Not... fault..." It's not your fault, so I hoped you wouldn't blame yourself.
"How could I not? Sho, stay with me!" his cracked voice made such an painful scene. He cried a river, an image of Sho leaving him forever haunted him.
The next word was unheard, Kaz was giving him the oxygen when he saw Sho seemed unable to breathe.
"World... One person..." His voice was too weak, even saying a word was already a miracle. But something was appearing from his weak memories and he wanted to talk about it.
Kaz knew exactly what he wanted to say. It was a quote that he once told to Sho not long ago. During their practice for the competition, Kaz was unable to look when Sho drained his energy because of excessive practice hours. No matter how much he stuffed foods and nutritions, Sho looked unhealthy. He patted his shoulder, asking to take a rest, but Sho refused it right away.
"Right after winning this, you will be the world's attention. Shouldn't you give your all?"
His eyes were the most painful thing to look at. Sho was not really good for taking care of himself, but he didn't know it would be this bad.
"Come here, just rest," he pulled the man next to his side. "I just found a good quote here, take a look,"
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world,
Sho was staring at the phone then looked at Kaz one more time. He was busily taking out a water bottle and giving it to him. Sho liked such attention but he tried hard to find out what was the point of showing the quote to him. It's not Kaz usual self.
"Isn't that a good one?"
Sho just nodded but unable to take a clue so he continued to practice after finishing the water. His focus was only preparing for the competition, why should he waste such time to discuss about a random quote?
"Yeah, it's you," Kaz was crying hard when recalled such memories. "I was about to tell you that you're already my whole world so nothing more important than you. But now, look what have I done to you? Sho, don't you ever leave me alone!"
Sho was sighing in relief, but his more than worried.
"Studio..." After I left, you still have one dream to open a studio. You must live for that.
"No, that kind of dream that I pictured must have you in it," Kaz was on the verge of roaring painfully. He begged and begged for God to keep his man alive no matter what. He prayed so hard already but since he was a big sinner so God wouldn't send such miracle at once.
Sho was unable to hold on, he didn't try to talk anymore, his eyes were closed completely. Kaz was reaching for his breathing, but he could not sense at all. One medical staff that was sitting at ambulance was checking his condition and about to tell Kaz something, but Kaz refused to listen.
This kind of scene never once appeared on his mind before. Kaz never thought he would lose Sho this early. All of his future plan with Sho was all shattered. It was meaningless, everything had no use anymore.
At hospital the doctor told the same thing but Kaz was still denying. There must be a way to wake Sho up. Kaz ordered the best doctor at the field to treat his beloved.
But all was useless. The deceased was deceased, no such man able to create such miracle. The time of death was 03.30 PM, even 10 minutes before arriving at hospital. The doctor could only confirm the cause of death, it's due to heart attack. Being overworked had caused heart failure and cardiac arrest, the early symptoms were possible to detect but Sho just ignored it.
Kaz also realized that he was also bad at taking care of him. He could see the sign but still unable to alarm the man. If only he was persistent to withdraw, if only he did it finally, then Sho was still here.
If only...
But regret only came when it was too late. He could do nothing to undo the death. What was he? A God?
"Sho, this is too much," Kaz was talking to himself only at the balcony of his place. He felt numb and dysfunctional.
"What is this even for? Huh?" Kaz assumed Sho was already up there looking at him far away, he pointed the medal to the sky.
His tears were all dried up after a week of crying nonstop. No matter how drunk he was, he got up in hangover the next day still with a clear memory of losing his beloved. He didn't try to forget everything, he just wished he couldn't even think.
"I don't want this, I want you to come down here now!" Kaz was always talking to himself like a madman, but he himself thought Sho would hear him up there.
"Or should I come up there and follow you?" he bawled. His own words startled him. In after days of mourning, he finally felt a sign of relief. He finally said it and he didn't feel any pressure anymore.
That night, he dreamed a beautiful person came to him, hugged him from behind. It was Sho, he could feel his tiny and delicate hands that he yearned the most. In that dream, Sho was real.
"Why are you so stubborn like this? Even I have to come see you like this to slap you myself," he looked very healthy and his cheeks even got chubbier than the last time Kaz remembered.
"Slap me then, slap me to death if you want," Kaz could not hold his longing anymore. "Sho, let me follow you,"
Sho pushed him away. "It's not your time yet,"
"Then how long should I wait anymore? Sho, I cannot even live any more day without you,"
"You fool, we're all alone by ourselves at the end,"
Kaz took one more look at Sho. He always knew he missed him so bad, but not as bad as he realized now. Even if he knew this was just a dream, he told to himself he could not even want to wake up anymore.
"It's not your fault," Sho told him suddenly. "I came to tell you this. This is my own decision, I always wanted to see you being the world champion, and I did not have any regret at all. So, you should live as a real champion from now on. I risked enough for this,"
"I told you before, I don't want it anymore, I only want you,"
"Didn't I tell you already how stubborn you are? Look at you, sobbing like this," Sho tried to wipe away tears that were flowing from Kaz's eyes. "Since when you become a crybaby?"
"I'm always like this after you left, it's too much Sho, I can't take it anymore,"
"Hush, you're the strongest, bravest person I know, can't you do me a favor at least?"
Kaz stared at him. "Whatever it is except asking me to live on,"
"Okay, then your other dream, to build a dance studio, can you do it for me?"
Kaz wanted to curse himself. "How cruel you are!"
But Sho only giggled. "Only after you successfully have your own crew and studio, you're allowed to see me then," he brushed off the dirt of Kaz shoulder, even when there's no such thing. It's as if all that he did was to lift off the burden. "But before you see me, you have to keep your health and always have a proper meal, got it?"
"Sho," Kaz called him and the man stared at him at once. "I love you,"
Sho smiled to him before finally answered, "I know,"
"Don't you love me? Don't you miss me? How does it feel to be up there? Is there anyone looking for you? Don't you feel lonely at all?"
He smiled, always. "I will give you the answer later,"
Kaz finally woke up, still cursing himself. There was no sign of Sho anymore anywhere. It was only himself on the large bed. He was not mad, he knew Sho visited him through dream, but could be that dream to be eternal?
On the next day, Kaz was going to the building that he set his eyes on already. He purchased it right away and then called an architect company to discuss for renovation. It was already planned before, he only needed a moment to kick in. He did everything in a flash, only to meet Sho earlier.
As a world champion, he was well known in an instant. His newly opened studio was also getting crowded with a lot of people from around the world. The pub below the studio was also known as a hip place among youngsters. The building was always lively but still, there was nothing to hold Kaz on living anymore.
The manager of the place was Kaz's most trusted person who named Ben. He was very hardworking and diligent, and he was the only one who could get close to Kaz. Kaz didn't mind his presence at all since he knew someone must take care of this place after all. Besides, he knew Ben when he was still a junior of Sho. Ben was known as Sho's admirer for too long so when Kaz explained the studio was dedicated to Sho, Ben was fully committed to manage the place at the end.
Even after 5 years being the world champion, Kaz was never once agreed for an interview. Thus when anyone saw the cover of this month's high-end magazine was featuring himself, it became an uproar.
The very first page of it was about the interview of him. The headline of it was "The World of Kaz". Ben was walking to the studio when he saw his boss was becoming the main topic. He bought one copy and then went straight to his boss place. He planned to read it loud in front of the man but when he knocked the door, no one opened it for him.
He suddenly had a bad feeling. Luckily the boss gave him the key to every assets of his. He opened the door and when he went in, he screamed loudly due to horrifying scene.
The last time he met Kaz was 2 weeks ago. He never checked on his boss schedule, but he didn't realize all of the jokes he told to him was actually true.
One day he told to Ben with a very wide smile.
"Ben, I did it. I accomplished everything Sho asked. It's time for me to go, I can't be more excited as these days,"
He looked to his boss. His usual self was calm and more mature than he remembered. "Where to?"
Kaz just patted Ben's shoulder. "I let everything to you, I know you'll take care everything well,"
He didn't understand at first but he then remembered that Kaz always said to him that this kind of life was never his intention. And every time he saw Kaz at studio, he always played the video of his last performance with Sho. Always the same thing. And never once he laid his eyes off of the screen.
"Boss, do you like him that much?" he asked to Kaz jokingly.
"Yes, too much you could even understand," he was way too serious for such a question.
Ben felt his arm shivering. He could sense how "much" he meant. Even his aura was overwhelming with a longing feeling.
He called ambulance but actually it was too late. Kaz was laying on bed without breathing but his face was smiling. He poisoned himself. He was going to meet Sho.
When the body was sent to the burial, finally the magazine that he once tried to open in front of his boss was opened by himself. He read the interview thoroughly.
The World of Kaz.
I once dreamed about being the best of everything. Yes, I was that kind of passionate person. Once I set my eyes on something, I wanted to be the best of it, which was winning a world championship. Little did I know, when you are about to have something, you must let another thing go.
Sacrifices. In order to acquire the world, I lost my own world instead. I lost myself, but I hated my past self more. I regretted most of the things, even everything.
I was confused of myself as if I lost a grip of my oneself.
I wanted to tell everyone, Kaz was no one. He's just one person who failed to become such a person. The "world" term was an ambiguous word to define "everything", but everyone's everything was different to each other, so was the world's meaning. You had to be able to define your everything before you set on something. Even if you're a passionate and competitive person, you have to be aware of what you already have as well.
Ben expected everyone could not understand what he's saying, or they would be simply mistaken. However, this interview was more like a suicide note. Ben finally understood that since Sho was gone, Kaz was never being himself. He was a living dead who was yearning to die everyday.
But, then, finally Ben had an idea of how much "too much" Kaz meant before. Yes, he could not even understand at all.
