It was when you decided to choose me, all over again.
We were separated by fate, being forced to give up on each other, but then again after many exhausting years, I approached you again and you looked into my eyes.
Do you miss me?
You asked me while grinning. I was getting panicked on what to answer you. There's no a single word right enough to explain what I felt all this time.
Too much.
I stupefied by your presence, yet my mind went blank. I could remember all the pain that I had to endure, but once I looked at you again, it all went away. Only good memories left between us in my mind.
Even though I knew you had someone beside you, but you still embraced me. This kind of you, the wicked you, the bad you, I would gladly accept it in my arms.
But that's the worst part. You were never that bad which made me realized that it was just a dream. You already had a lover, that's a fact. And this half-like reality was the kind of dreams that I hoped to become true. I was too afraid to open my eyes to end this dream.
Was it wrong to fancy you like this?
I still remembered the days of our best times. I was too madly in love with you at that time. You were seeing me as another rebellious teen, but you always took care of me. You were hesitant to accept my confession at first. I understood why.
You were worried if you wasted my youth for an elder like you. I never thought the 10 years age gap was a matter. After all, I was more matured than you. You were happened to born earlier than me but it's still a great blessing that we met each other. So age gap was not acceptable reason to reject me.
And to think that I would waste my youth with you was another nonsensical reason. But again, it must be tough times for you being chased by me back then. I was too persistent and did not accept to your rejection many times. Oddly enough, I was acting immature whenever I was around you.
You gave up eventually and agreed to make me your lover. That was the happiest time of my life. I knew your caring and attention to me was love too, and it was the only matter of time to acknowledge it. And I had to say, being your lover maybe the purpose of my life.
You were a sanctuary and I was your worshiper. I was devoted to you ever since we first met, and you could see how passionate I was at that time. My feelings for you grew bigger over time without a sign of weakened.
Perhaps you were right before. The age gap did matter. It was an early warning that I always ignored. The time was not in our side, it might be true that we were against destiny. So this feelings were the only right yet also the wrong thing to be started. But even if I had a chance to undo this, I would not do that either.
I heard everything that my parents accused you. They said that you bewitched me to become one of yours. They said you ruined my future if you kept hanging around me. And they begged you to stay out of me.
That day, my feet could not move. I remembered how you suddenly pushed me away and I finally got the reason. It was because of my parents back then. It seemed they already warned you several times, and that was when our relationship turned bad.
"You don't have to worry anymore, ma'am, sir,"
Your calmed voice were choking me to death. Did it mean you're about to give up on us?
But even after you were about to leave, I did not show up. I was confused, to be honest. I was growing up as an obedient child. Both my parents were strict and controlling me, but I never complained. I did not desire of anything before so this was the first time when I was against them.
Additionally, being taught in a religious environment made me admitted that this was all a sin. Then to add another sin of mistreating my own parents, especially my Mom, it's a hard choice honestly
So after you walked far away from my home, I approached you. You just smiled, a kind of bitter smile that I hated very much to see.
"Were you listening to me all the time?"
I just kept silent.
"So I don't need to tell you anymore, goodbye,"
"Why?" A word from me, after all the cloudy minds.
"You were always a good boy, you don't have any talent be a disobedient one," you patted my cheek and a sudden thought made my whole body chill.
You were leaving. I never imagined this before. I thought since I would push myself to you forever, you could not escape from me. But the end was finally getting near for us.
"I can run away from home if you want,"
His hand turned to slap me instead. "You stupid rich guy, that didn't seem like you at all. From now on, just be a real man for you and your family, okay?"
"I don't want to be a man if that means I have to lose you,"
He smiled, "Anyway, I came here to congratulate you of your graduation. I heard you will study abroad, that's very cool,"
I shook my head real hard. It was all my parents' plan, not me. I would never leave you. I wouldn't dare though.
"You don't belong to a person like me, admit it, we had our different world,"
I still shook my head. All the things that you said, I would not admit it.
"Just be obedient and live ourselves just like before we met,"
You must be a very strong person. You didn't shed tears talking to me back then. But your eyes, I remembered it clearly that you tried too hard holding it. You were such an amazing person, I was glad I loved you.
My first love, which was too painful to reflect yet too hard to be forgotten. You who walked away from me at that time, with a cold but shivered shoulder, was a kind of sight that I could not erase from my mind.
Even after 5 years later, when I met you again in the city. I was being the person you said, being an obedient child and a responsible man. After finishing my studies, I went back home and took care of Mom since she was too sick. Now she was gone and I had finished my duty as a good child.
After then, I prayed to be able to meet you by chance. The time had come for us finally. If we were fated to meet, then we would meet eventually.
Then there you were, walking past through me in a street one day. It was a rainy day and you were using the same umbrella from 5 years ago. I could even recognize you from your hidden figure under the umbrella at a distance.
But I had no courage to call you. I was too startled to realize my prayer had been granted. You were still the same, no, way more handsome than I remembered. You still had the same charm as before.
Even the memories of you were still too vivid.
Once was enough for fate to meet us. The second and later would be determined by myself. So after that I stalked you and prepared a scene for our reunion. You were still working at the same industry so I asked my company to hire your team to perform in an event.
When the expected day came, I could not even sleep at the night before. During rehearsals, I walked to the backstage and met all performers to make sure that everything was set. That was the time when you saw me again. You looked surprised at first but stayed calm after. I just put a nice smile for you, acted as the CEO of the company.
I wanted to look like a man as you wished.
The event was a success. I also gave my thankful speech for the team and the performers, once again to impress you. I wanted to look at you more, but when everyone was dispersed, I saw no sight of you anywhere.
So I made another plan for our reunion.
I followed you in a social media and found that you were on a vacation. Without a doubt, I flew to the same place. I stayed at the same hotel as you, but even during breakfast, even though I was sitting until it's closed, there was no you at all.
Where were you actually?
You shared an update that you were on a tourist market so I just went straight to the exact place. After a long walk, I saw you from afar. This was the time. We had chance and I would not delay it anymore.
I walked towards you, and you recognized a familiar face. You obviously wanted to turn away, but it was too late actually. I waved at you but that's before I realized a man was holding your hands.
Your lover?
Was it too easy for you to replace me? Were everything doing fine in your world?
But I did not mind. I knew it earlier and it did not stop me.
"What are you doing here?" he was startled but nicely hid it with an awkward tone.
"I just visited a site not far from here, then I decided to take a break before I leave, what about you?"
"I... Um... We are on holiday," he changed his word to include him to the conversation.
I was waiting nicely to be introduced by you. I wanted to know what kind of relationship that you would explain to your lover.
"Baby, here's my ex," an ex, you told him clearly that I was your ex.
What was your intention to make it clear that I was once your ex?
Was it because you finally had a very matured relationship so nothing to hide to him? How serious was it really?
"And he's my boyfriend,"
What a hard thing to shake hands with the lover of my own love. But he was very attentive, good figure, good personality, it was all shown up from the first impression. This would be tough, honestly.
Another chance yet another wrong time to choose to reunite.
And I hated the conversation that was going on. It was too casual, it's as if I was just an old friend of you. I did not like it at all.
So I decided to leave early. I did not want to see them both anymore. I should find another chance to meet you in private.
And that would be today. It was when I decided to gamble my own luck. I went to the restaurant that always became your favorite for Sunday brunch. I was worried even if you came to the place, I would meet you with the man too. But lucky was still on my side. You came with no one, so I mustered up my courage to sit on your table instead.
You greeted me casually, as if we did not have a bitter past.
"So how's it going?"
"Which one?" I was hesitate on what to tell him.
"Everything, when did you finish your study?"
"Oh, it was a year ago, then I had to go back here to takeover the company,"
"That's very nice, yeah I knew that when I performed at your company's event,"
"I saw you there too, so, what about you? How's it going?"
"I am doing fine, thank you for asking. But nothing much changed actually, it's pretty much the same as 5 years ago, isn't it?"
"5 years and 3 months, I never stopped counting,"
You seemed surprised at my words.
"So... How about your parents?"
"Mom's gone," and your surprised look was getting increased as well. "That's what I wanted to tell you from our first met,"
"I have a boyfriend." you clearly set up the boundaries.
"So?" and I did not even care of that.
"It's already over between us,"
"Liar, you still wear the necklace I gave you," since you wore the Hawaiian shirt, the collarbone was seen through and I could see that thing around your neck.
You panicked, which meant you still had a feeling to me.
"Don't you miss me?"
And your hesitant look, it nailed deep inside me. You were yearning to me too, and there's nothing to stop us now.
"No," but on the inside, you did not even agree with your own words.
"What a liar, didn't you forget this kind of you was what I loved the most?"
"I meant it."
I did not want to hear anything from you anymore. I just wanted to take a look more of you. I stared at you for seconds in silence. You were still amazing as always. I did not even understand how could I suppress such a longing all these years. It was indeed the hardest thing to do. I would not torture myself anymore.
"Do you know, no matter how many times I see you, even if forever, I still can't stop longing for you. Oh God, if only you know how I miss seeing your face like this,"
Yours was getting redder, you were flattered. That made you cuter than ever. You looked younger, and I looked mature, it seemed time had stopped for us. It was our moment for sure.
But then you decided to go away still with your flushed face. I believed that I should do the same as before. It needed such a great effort to knock your heart, and I would gladly do that again.
Because, in one of my dreams, you finally reached my arms and told me something I would never forget. You were exhausted to get away from me, and you said it's harder to ignore your own feelings than to ignore what others told you. You were tired of pretending to be strong so you couldn't resist the urge of being embraced by me.
And you said, that I was the shelter you were looking for in life, even though it's too far or too dangerous. We both had been against the fate, anyway.
But right before I finally opened my eyes, I said to you while squeezed you hard,
We're never against anything, it's just we need more courage to be together after all.
