I don't know.
Do I even love you now?
This also I don't know.
Aku memperhatikan beberapa orang belakangan ini. Bagaimana mereka menceritakan kenangan-kenangan di perjalanan hidupnya dan tertawa. Setidaknya tersenyum seolah kembali ke masa itu. Dan aku duduk mendengarkan, terkadang mencoba membayangkan apa yang terjadi.
Mereka menceritakan bagaimana pertemuan mereka dengan pasangannya, momen-momen menarik dan lucu.
Aku hanya tertawa sambil menikmati. Untuk tidak memiliki kesempatan bercerita saja sudah bersyukur. Aku tidak tahu harus menceritakan apa kepada mereka semua. Tepatnya, aku takut tidak mampu mengatur ekspresiku saat bercerita.
Apakah aku akan begitu antusias, tertawa, menertawai diri sendiri, tersipu-sipu?
Ataukah ekspresiku tetap kosong dan tidak berbeda, dan mereka mulai mencurigai sesuatu.
Do I have any memory of you that I cherished the most?
"Ya? Tidak... Aku baru saja selesai..."
Aku merapikan bawaanku ke tas sambil menjawab telepon darimu. Tidak lebih dari 3 kali dering, aku menjawab panggilan tersebut. Tetapi untuk menjelaskan apakah aku senang saat melihat namamu di kontak, aku tidak benar-benar bisa mengekspresikannya.
"Hmm. Oke, sampai jumpa,"
Aku mengantongi kembali ponselku dan berjalan menuju tempat yang disepakati. Kita berjanji untuk makan malam di sebuah restoran, dan di saat aku menemukan sosokmu, aku hanya melangkah terus mendekati. Sampai akhirnya aku duduk tepat di hadapanmu.
Disini, hanya kamu yang sangat bersemangat malam ini. Aku berkali-kali menahan letih dengan senyuman. Aku terus mendengarkan curhatannya tentang segala hal, lalu merespon seperlunya.
Mungkin karena beban pekerjaanku belakangan ini terlalu berat, sehingga tidak ada tenaga lagi untuk mengurusi hal-hal lainnya. Bahkan untuk sekedar meladenimu.
Ya, mungkin karena itu. Aku hanya ingin pulang dan tidur sampai pagi datang.
"Let's have a party!"
Masa-masa kritis di kantorku sudah lewat. Aku mulai bisa bernapas lega dan beberapa orang bermaksud merayakannya. Aku melirik Helga, yang tadi mengajakku.
"It wil be too loud. I'm not coming,"
Helga berbisik kepadaku, "Let's have a drink somewhere instead,"
Aku menangkap bahwa dia memahami apa yang kupikirkan sekarang dan langsung bersiap untuk pergi.
"Speak, if you don't speak up then I don't know what's on your mind,"
Aku dan Helga duduk di bar stool. Aku menghela napas dalam-dalam.
"Do you think I love Miranda?"
Helga melirikku. Dia kenal Miranda cukup baik. Diantara rekan kerjaku, Helga adalah salah satu yang mengenal kehidupan personalku.
"You doubt your own feeling or what?"
"I just feel lost. I don't know what I feel, is this right, or not,"
Dia tertawa. "You know, I admit I never love my husband. I also don't understand what is love, how is that feeling,"
"Yeah, I see some couples care each other dearly, and I wonder whether I can do it or not. I think it's too much a burden to care for Miranda as good as others," balasku.
"But you don't want to let go of her easily,"
Aku mengangguk. "To breakup with her is actually adding more problem, so I just keep her stay,"
"What a bastard you are," Helga cekikikan sambil meneguk minumannya. "But you actually took care of her enough, in my eyes,"
Aku melirik Helga dan menunggu penjelasannya.
"You never have to love her to care for her, as long as she is happy and she accepts you. What? Are you seeking for a romance now?"
"No, it's just that... I am confused. Isn't it unfair for her not to be loved as she deserves?"
Helga mengangguk keras. "That's why I call you a such a bastard. But since I've been in your position, maybe I can relate,"
Salah satu alasan aku menerima ajakan Helga adalah karena aku tahu bagaimana kehidupan rumah tangganya. Helga tidak pernah mencintai suaminya. Dia setuju menikah karena desakan usia dan sampai sekarang hubungan mereka tidak pernah meningkat lebih baik.
"It's not like you will die for not having a romance in your life, right? For me, I don't need to love my husband to live together with him. Just think of him as a roommate, or a friend to spend some lonely time, it's more than enough,"
"But what if I have a feeling of remorse to her?"
"For lying to her? For still choosing her even though you never love her? What are you implying to?"
"I don't know. I do regret to keep her around, to ignore every chance to get rid of her and stay like this for years. I just hate myself more and more every time I see her,"
"You don't want to be with her anymore?"
Aku mengangkat bahu. "I don't know either. I feel numb in my mind. Maybe it is because I know exactly what I want but I cannot achieve it,"
"What is it?"
"To live independently alone. I don't want Miranda or anyone to disturb me,"
Helga menepuk pundakku. "You are really good at knowing whom to talk to. That was what I actually yearned for, and here is a little bit advice, my dear friend. We live in a society that is not allowing us to do actually what we want. I didn't know if I am happy enough or feeling content in this kind of life. But, living together without love since I never seek any of that experience either is not a bad thing. And you don't have to be open with your feeling, just give them what they want, and it is enough,"
"Helga," aku memperhatikannya. "Did you tell him you love him?"
"I did, why? Of course it's a lie,"
Aku menggeleng. She was such a person. "No, you're very cool though,"
...
..
.
..
...
Miranda,
If one day you find out the truth, is this still okay?
If all of my dearly act is only half-heartedly, is it also still okay?
Aku mengangkat bahu. "I don't know either. I feel numb in my mind. Maybe it is because I know exactly what I want but I cannot achieve it,"
"What is it?"
"To live independently alone. I don't want Miranda or anyone to disturb me,"
Helga menepuk pundakku. "You are really good at knowing whom to talk to. That was what I actually yearned for, and here is a little bit advice, my dear friend. We live in a society that is not allowing us to do actually what we want. I didn't know if I am happy enough or feeling content in this kind of life. But, living together without love since I never seek any of that experience either is not a bad thing. And you don't have to be open with your feeling, just give them what they want, and it is enough,"
"Helga," aku memperhatikannya. "Did you tell him you love him?"
"I did, why? Of course it's a lie,"
Aku menggeleng. She was such a person. "No, you're very cool though,"
...
..
.
..
...
Miranda,
If one day you find out the truth, is this still okay?
If all of my dearly act is only half-heartedly, is it also still okay?
Till death do us part.
Pada saat aku masih bingung dengan semua pertanyaan di pikiranku, ucapan tersebut keluar dari mulutku.
*****
P.S.
What will you do if someone that you think loves you, is actually lying to you?
What will you do when you think that you are showered with love, but in truth you're not?
*****
P.S.
What will you do if someone that you think loves you, is actually lying to you?
What will you do when you think that you are showered with love, but in truth you're not?
