An overwhelmed feeling.
I tried to enjoy the day. Even though the very first time that I want was to talk, but I chose not to. I didn't know to whom I should talk to, and what to talk to.
I like him.
Behind the event happened today, I just wanted to tell him that I like him. But on the other side I realized that this feeling is too one-sided
But I hate him.
Because to end this feeling, by any means, it would be too risky. Every option that I had would only make one of sides disappointed. And I didn't know what to sacrifice.
Maybe I should really abandon this feeling.
Although every time I closed my eyes and hoped someone to call, he was the one that I hope for. Or every time I sat alone in a table for two, his shadow was the one that cross my mind.
He came in an unexpected time, and like everyone knows, whoever comes will go sooner or later. But for this time, this person, I knew it early when he was going to go. But still, when the day came I was not ready to overcome it.
And I also hate myself.
Knowing the one thing I want the most was to meet him again, I was hating myself more and more. But still, I reached to him and quickly ran to him.
"I am moving out in two weeks, thank you, for everything,"
That voice, that stare. Those kind of words were finally coming out. A word of separation.
"Okay, good luck then, thank you for everything too,"
I tried to calm myself. To let this feeling away for just a moment. Even though today I was prepared to confess, I couldn't do it at the end.
Every mixed feelings that I had in early morning has nothing left. I like you. That 3 words always got stuck inside, and I knew if it's not now, there will be no time anymore.
But still, I was spacing out, figuring out what to do. Should I cherish the time I had left with him as a friend only, or should I risk our relationship that may end up in an instant, which means losing him earlier than it would be.
I knew it well you only see me as nothing but a dear friend. That was also the biggest mistake of mine to set no boundary from the start. Oh, I was such a whiner, maybe being just friends were my only best option.
"Take care of yourself,"
His eyes. Your eyes. That kind of eyes that was warmly staring at me. Argh... I was going crazy. I couldn't lose him now, and forever.
But then, who am I to stop him? If I said that I liked him, he wouldn't gladly tell me that he loves me too. What a dreamer. I watched too many romantic movies already.
"Ah!!"
I randomly screamed when I started to realize that he is going away from my sight.
"I mean... I..."
What a coward. I stuttered, even I could hear my shortened breath. My heart was pounding hard. I must find courage!
"I can't live without you,"
Is it bad? Did my choice of words are okay?
He looked at me again, smiling. "What do you mean? You're not a toddler, you'll be fine on your own,"
"What am I to you?" I finally asked. Yes, you coward whiner! Go on!
He stared at me, looking confused.
"To me, you're not only a best friend, I mean, I really can't live without you, even I can't see myself living if you're not around"
He still straightly stares at me, slowly approaches me.
"No, don't..."
"You're not going anywhere, you must stay here with me,"
He gently patted my head. "So the rumor is true? Is it true that you..."
A gay? Did he hear it somewhere? I mean, did that word ever cross his mind when thinking of me?
But actually, I knew it best he is not the same as me. There must be no way that he likes me back. What was the point of telling him now?
Ah, I see. To let go of this feeling. And being humiliated, tormented, and forever regret.
"Since when did you hear that?"
"Some people warned me when they saw me with you several times, I didn't remember when, almost a half year ago,"
And yet, you still let me being close to you.
"And what if I say yes to that?"
"I thought at first I would punch you right in your face. But now, I can't think any reason for it. You can like whoever you want to, and who am I to judge?"
"Even if it's you?"
"I am sorry, but, what..." he looked at me blankly.
"If I say that I like you, are you okay with that?"
"Oh," his surprised look was something I never imagined before. He was quite calm, and relaxed. "So you're saying this after knowing that I am leaving? When will be the best time for you to tell something like this, if I never move out?"
"I never planned to tell you at all,"
Hey, but wait, I sensed something weird. Why did he ask me that kind of question.
"Considering the fact that I am a straight person?"
I nodded. "But, why are you asking me like that? Are you expecting me or..." but then I realized and chose to shut up.
"Well, first, I must say thank you for your feeling towards me, I appreciate that,"
I didn't even understand how to describe this condition.
"But you know very well that I am straight," I bowed. I know where this is going.
"But let's keep in touch until I come back here again,"
For now. There was such an ambiguous word he used. It was like he wanted me to wait and endure a little bit more. I could only hear a word in my mind to describe what he said.
Hope.
He is giving me hope. But... Why?
Was he only trying to keep our relationship unbothered? But... What was it for? What did he want from me?
And once again, it didn't make him feel disgusted of me. Wow. I never expected this before. Knowing that he was a total straight person and sometimes showed a sign of homophobic, he still wanted me to be around.
Ah, should I tell you how could I tell him a homophobic?
Well, he was always talking about how a man was meant for a woman. Now I figured out he was just trying to lecture me back then. He despised anyone who is not thankful enough to have a woman in their life. He was a womanizer, indeed. That's why I never expected him to react calmly after knowing about my orientation, moreover, my feeling towards him.
You couldn't see him without a girl around, unless he was hanging out with his group of guys. I was also one of his group, which strangely got recruited by him. And my reason to be around him for so long, was obviously because I was interested in him at first sight. My feeling had developed in years, without any progress or any hope. And now, I could see a slight of hope that he gave to me consciously.
This was indeed a hope. He deliberately asked me to wait for him, right?
Well, I didn't mind waiting for more years only to be with him.
And he asked to be in touch. God, how gracious You are!
I was hiding my blushed cheek. I looked at him, to make sure again, "Keep in touch?"
He nodded, "Call me, text me, let's keep in touch!" he grinned and showed a big smile in his lips.
"Okay," oh, I did not see anything different in him. "So, when will you be back?"
He rolled his eyes, thinking hard. "My prediction is 4 years, but I'll visit you regularly, or, you can visit me there, it only takes less than 2 hours flight, if you miss me so badly,"
I miss you already, stupid.
"Don't cry, I am still here," he squeezed my cheek, like a baby. My eyes weren't listening to me, they cried unnoticed.
I was hugging him tightly, surely like a baby. "Let me sleep in your place tonight,"
"Alright," he said lightly.
Seriously? Did he understand the situation?
"I said, let me sleep in your place tonight," I repeated it again.
"And I said, alright," he repeated the same answer.
"I want to kiss you now," I said it randomly.
"Is it normal for friends to kiss each other?" but without waiting for my answer, he squeezed his lips to my cheek. I was startled, obviously. I couldn't even think straight for seconds. "I think this is enough to be named a friendly kiss,"
I was still panicked and staring at him.
"You are so cute, I must say," he giggled. "Let's go home," he dragged me to his home, so I was clinging to him during our way back.
*****
"What are you smiling about?" he asked me.
How could I not smile in this kind of view?
In a nice Sunday morning, after getting up from bed and having a peaceful bath, I was given such a view of him making us breakfast. A simple omelette and toast, Heaven must be too kind for a sinner like me.
"I dreamed of an angel approaching me,"
"Really? And what did he do?"
"Hmm...What did you do last night?"
He looked at me, smiling. "Nothing," he grins a lot. Somehow I cannot hold his typical grin. "Anyway, you slept like a baby,"
I bet he was laughing because of my flushed face. "Oh! Snap! I was too tired last night. Tell me, did I also snore?"
He suddenly walked towards me, then leaned his forehead to my neck. He hugged me while I just realized that his hand was already around my waist. "Oh, maybe you were more like a baby zombie. I was this close last night and did not hear a thing,"
He glanced at me then I could sense a peck in my cheek. "Look, the baby's cheek is super red," he giggled.
I never understood what was he implying to. I remembered it clearly how he rejected me and even reminded me that he was a straight man. What kind of a straight man who let a gay friend having sleepover for days, shared the bed, kissed and hugged whenever he wanted to, claiming that they were no more than "just friends"?
Well, this was awkward. I suddenly pushed him after realizing it had been the second peck in my neck. He was being very aggressive, but the word "just friends" actually woke me up. What am I to him?
Was he only testing me?
"Right, I never see Amy coming here or texting you either?" his mood suddenly lowered by mentioning his girlfriend's name.
"We broke up already. You know, long distance relationship is not my thing. I am not good with that kind of attachment,"
Well? Maybe this answered his actions. He was not only a womanizer, but also an attention-seeker. Since no girls around him, maybe I had been targeted for a quick backup. That made sense. But still, I was a man. He wouldn't admit that he was interested in man also.
Besides, claiming his action as an act of fondness would only humiliate me more. I must tell that this was also normal, if that was what he thinks.
Fuck it, this was what I always wanted, right? His eyes looked at me affectionately?
"Are you missing her?" asked me.
He still focused on his meal, "No, why are you having that thought?"
"I am only wondering who were you thinking of when you did all of this,"
He turned his head and stared at me, "Did what?"
"This," I pecked his cheek, "And this," then my lips went to his neck.
I could see that he was startled when I repeated what he had done. For days of my sleepover, I let him did everything but I never initiated anything without his consent. That's because I knew it would be considered as a sexual harassment if a gay person did it in the first place to a straight person.
He acted normally and continued to finish his meal. He went up and even grabbed my own plate to put them to the sink.
I might have a slender figure like a woman, and even my voice was softer than any man. Maybe he was imagining things. There was a high chance that he somehow mistook me as another woman.
But the way he threw away the plates signalize that something was wrong. And when things were going wrong, he could not hold his emotions.
"Hey, I just wondered. Maybe you're confused, or missed her. Or maybe you got curious..."
A loud bang suddenly hushed me. I could see that he just threw away something and it hit the pan. What more frightening was that I failed to figure out what made him that mad.
I didn't know what to say anymore, so I just quieted down and waited him to calm.
"I'm sorry. I thought that was what you want from me. So as a good friend, I did that wantonly," he looked down. "I suppose you are okay with... those..."
"No no no, I am okay. It's just that... I am confused. On the contrary, I am happy to know it," seeing him looked down made me a bad person. "Really, I am touched and thankful," I emphasized.
He slowly stared at me. "So we are good?"
I nodded. "Good as wood!" I smiled bitterly. To be honest, it was becoming weirder. I could not define him anymore. Was he really a good person by nature, or was it true that I was sensing something wrong here?
*****
"I am not taking you to the airport," I watched him get dressed while I was still in bed.
He put on his regular jeans and a plain black t-shirt after that. He dragged his big luggage to the front door. I followed his every move until he stopped at the front door.
"Here's the key. You can come here or even live here if you want. Please take care of it," he gave me his keys.
It was still 6 in the morning so I was not sure whether I was sober or not. And something just hit me inside, saying "this is the moment," where we must bid our farewell.
"Call me when you're arrived," I tried to calm and thought this was not an actual farewell.
His eyes stared at mine, his hands held mine. "I will,"
I sensed a moment of silences between us after that. He just looked at me and so did I. Even though his new town was just thousand miles away, but only God knew what would happen after this.
His hands reached my face. He tenderly pressed his lips into mine. Well, this was first. And it really made everything messed up more.
"What is that for??" I startled. "I don't want to speculate things but friends do not kiss, lips to lips,"
He grinned. "And what did you 'speculate'?"
There was only one clear reason, but I only wanted that word to come out from his mouth first.
"You tell me," I locked my arms to his, signaled that he could not move before explaining.
He kept laughing and let go of my arms, "Whatever you guess, I like to put it that way," Then, a forehead kiss. "Give me more time to make up my mind,"
"Gotta take off now, bye cutie~💖" this was the latest text that he sent to me before he set his phone to airplane mode. I saw it clearly there was a sparkled red heart emoji, with him calling me cutie.
I was having a very hard time while reading the text now. My mind was all messed up and whenever I tried to recollect what we did on the past week and with this confusing text, there was only one possible explanation,
This is not one sided love. He is opening his heart for me.
Ah, what should I do? What now? What if it's true? What should I do to make him like me more?
I was aware that I was more panic than ever before, so I hardly thought what was his type by sorting all of his exes but I was more confused than before. His exes were all woman, how could I compare myself to them?
Should I be more feminine?
Should I grow my hair longer?
Should I wear girly outfits?
"Hey, I just landed on bed," He video-called me around 9 p.m. after I just finished taking a bath.
"Hey, you," well, this was awkward. We never did video-call before.
"What is that?" he pointed at my hair. I wore a headband to get rid of my bangs when I prepared to sleep and I also wore an oversized shirt with a boxer as my usual sleeping outfit. During my sleepover at his place, I was always wearing proper pajama. I did not expect him video-calling ever today so I just wore my usual outfit.
"Ah?" I took off the the headband and combed my hair with hands. "Nothing," God, I am so embarrassed!
"Why are you taking it off? It's cute, you can wear it again," he giggled. "And what are you wearing now? Show me,"
Maybe since I wore my usual oversized shirt, my collarbone was kind of exposed when it was still a close-up mode. While panicking, I moved the phone even farther so he could see me from head to toes.
"Why weren't you wearing that yesterday? You look cuter than ever,"
I took my phone again to show my face instead. "Enough with that. What are you doing?"
"Me? I am just laying in my bed," pile of pillows were seen. Yes, he was indeed in bed.
"That's not what I meant. What are you doing by calling me cute and also that heart emoji?" I was surprised that since he was not in front of me directly, I could talk whatever I wanted to.
"Why, you don't like it?"
"I like it, but... you know... I need explanation,"
He giggled. I thought he was just having fun teasing me like this.
"Stop it. I hate it when you tease me. I don't want to guess anymore. We need to clear things up. If you say that we're just friends, then let's be friends like we used to be,"
"Like what?"
"First, friends don't video-call and call cute. And they don't send heart emoji,"
"And then?"
Then... What???
"Keane," he called me when I was thinking what to tell him. "I don't want it," he said.
"Which one?"
"Being friends like we used to,"
"Then what do you want?"
He smiled. He rarely blushed, but I could see that his cheek was now getting wider and redder as never before. "Like this,"
"Like what?" come on, say it!
"What do you think?"
"What do I think? I think nothing. I have no clue,"
"Liar," he huffed, which was also a rare sight.
"Then you tell me, what do you want, what kind of 'like this' is like?"
He moved his position to another side. "I am sleepy, good night for now. Seeing your cute boxer is enough to make sure I'll have a sweet dream tonight,"
"If you end it now, I won't talk to you ever again,"
I didn't know whether he listened to me or not, but he ended the call just right after that.
At the next morning, he called and texted but I never replied. I did what I said. I hate how he teased me until last night so I planned to not answer him at all.
After a week passed by, he stopped reaching me. No text, no call, nothing. I was starting to worry about his whereabouts but I tried to endure it. I wanted to see where this would be going. There was no way that he died easily, right?
Then, a month passed by, we really did not contact each other at all. I wanted to curse myself to make things worse between us. I was more worried that we were back to square one, being a stranger like we used to be a year ago. Sometimes, I even daydreamed that I met him on an unfamiliar road and just glanced to each other and began to look away again.
When 3 months were passing by, I thought it had been a year already. My minds were tired from creating many scenarios of what to say when we started the conversation. Should I apologize first, or should I begin as if nothing really happened?
Every day felt like a hell. Every morning had darkened my soul. I really wanted to reach him but my mind was too blank to prepare for just one phrase. Just a 'hello' from him was more than enough, making sure that he was alive. It was alright if he's not even remembering me at all, I thought it simply.
This was bad, this was getting worse, my mind was too messed up right now. I never be ready for this kind of parting and the end was really getting near. Even when I was prepared to be rejected, I always ended up crying like a coward. And now, I always cried in my dreams, almost everyday. There were several days when I did not cry at all, and it was due to the sleeping pill. I was worried that I would get addiction so I limited myself to consume the pill only on Friday and weekends, when I should be relieved of everything and relieved my soul.
When the summer holiday season was starting, I had a big hope that he would knock my door and said "hi" after 6 months passed. But that never happened. All I got was only that one of my colleague's post that tagged him on Insta. It was a recent photo of him having a very nice sun-bathing in a beach with a group of people. Two girls were between him. He was smiling to the camera with his nice sunglasses. Thank God, he was alive and having a great time.
That one nice thought should be enough for me to move on and start to realize that I was no longer someone significant to his life.
So after that, I stopped having sleeping pills anymore and every night was more like unbearable numbness instead of endless cries. Knowing that you were alive was enough... Knowing that you were alive was enough... That was like a chant to make the pain go away every night.
I felt brokenhearted many times, but I also wondered why this time was the worst. Maybe it was because I used to be liked by another guy first and ended up being abandoned after months of relationship, but never be like this. I never liked a straight person before, so this was the first. And Bryan was the one who made me fall in love with him first. This whole thing was new to me actually.
I looked at the picture post once at least before bed. I zoomed in to his face and stared at his smile. He had used the same sunglasses when he had pink eye for almost a week. Now it was nice to see that the same thing being used as for its original purpose. He never agreed to go to the beach, claiming that beach was not his favorite place on earth so I mocked why he even bought sunglasses for. Well, he changed, for being the better side of him I suppose. Why didn't I do the same also?
I posted for the very first time in a while, the picture of me hanging out with my old school friends yesterday. We went to bar and had a nice time to forget about everything. One of them commented to the post and proposed that we should hangout often. The comments were flooded up with us replying to each other.
Meeting with them were making me posted several pictures also to show that I had a great time nowadays. It was indeed. At least my nights were too short to think of anything else but sleep and restore my stamina.
But it didn't last long. I was tired of meeting them and ended up to my usual nights again. But the feelings to Bryan seemed too vague than previously. At least I just realized that it had been a year already since we stopped talking to each other.
I was more familiar to the loneliness. I was also becoming more than fine whenever I saw a tagged photo of Bryan with his friends. I regularly checked his tagged photos and opened his friend's profile photos. There was this one girl that I began to realize that she was always with Bryan, like a groupie. Her appearance reminded me of Bryan exes and I feel nothing like jealousy or anything actually. I was more relieved that he was doing fine until now.
This girl once did a live Insta when they were drinking in a private room in bar. I watched it accidentally but I cancelled to close it when I saw Bryan was also with her. She seemed drunk and so did he. She asked for a kiss to Bryan and he accepted it without thinking. The recording was only about a bunch of people getting wasted and I really closed it afterwards.
I started to tremble. The sight of him kissing another girl was out of my limit. I screamed in pain and cried brutally because of this unbearable pain. I did not know what to do, there was a part of me longing for him. And it sucked.
But then I remembered that I still had his key to his house. After packing some of clothes, I went there and planned to sleep for 2-3 days only to spend the weekends. Somehow, my imagination was going wild and trying to convince me there was a slight chance of meeting him there. I went to his home with a little bit of expectation, which I also knew it would end up of me fooling around.
There was really nothing going on after 3 days staying there except the memories of us. I remembered everything like it's just yesterday. I realized that I would get crazier if I stayed here more, so I came back to my own place. But my yearning for him was somehow getting less and I could suppress it better.
So I decided to spend my next weekend to his place again. The nights of unbearable numbness or pain were slowly going away. I was getting the feeling that he came back and we shared the bed again. I might be crazy now but if I stopped it, I might get crazier than ever.
His pillows always got wet because of me crying. I woke up one day with swollen eyes and went to kitchen to cook something then cry again. I didn't know why my tears were falling down again when I could see him smiling at me while sitting down in a sofa from a far. But seeing the sight of him smiling was worst. Because I knew it exactly that I was not crazy yet to believe he is real. I should wish more to get real crazy to get off of this pain.
After the bad breakfast since I was suck at cooking, I went to bed again to sleep. The weekend felt too long these days. I woke up by 8 a.m and now it was not 9 a.m yet. I had no strength at all to turn on the TV or check my phone so I tried to sleep again.
I woke up after feeling hot and wanted to turn down the air conditioner. But I realized that something was pulling me. Pair of hands were around my waist. I was still dizzy to imply whether it was another hallucination again or not. But my hands were confirming that those were real hands, and I was not dreaming anymore.
I turned my sight and found someone was indeed lying in bed beside me. Bryan. I was not mistaken and it was real. He opened his eyes when he was aware that I was letting off his hands. I was shaking in fear since I thought there would be no way to meet him again after many hard times.
"You're awake? That omelette you made was awful," he rubbed his eyes. "But I ended finishing it all since I am so hungry,"
I couldn't speak, my voice wouldn't come out. I couldn't even believe what I was seeing now. He was indeed Bryan. This was a real person in front of me. He was real as I begin to feel the bed was moving when he was getting up.
"Hi," he said. "It's been a long time, right?" he said that easily.
That was the simple "hi" that I expected in more than a year.
"I did not expect seeing you here, though. I should have gone somewhere else if I know you'd be here, I suppose,"
How could he say that? But still, I still could not speak a word either.
"Did you have a stomachache because of your breakfast? Should I cook you something? A chicken soup must be okay, right? I already did groceries,"
He walked out from his room. I followed his every step behind. Then I looked at how many things he bought. I almost thought that he might plan to stay here more than a week from what he brought over.
I just sat quietly. My mind was too blank to think of anything. I didn't know how to put things between us anymore. He looked so calm, as if this last year never happened. Should I do the same? But what would that make us to be?
"What are you doing here?" finally, I was able to speak now.
He stopped at what he's doing and looked at me. I could see how he saw me differently. He looked upset but I didn't know if it's true or not.
"What are you implying to for the word 'here'? What am I doing in this city now since I was gone for long, or here in my own home? If it's the last one, I should ask you instead, what are you doing in my home?" he sounded not friendly at all. It was as if we were starting the cold war.
I was walking to the room and trying to pack my things. When I came out with my bag, I apologized to him, "I am sorry, here is your key, I didn't mean to disturb you either," I put the spare key at the table.
"Don't," the way he said it make me shivered. So I stopped walking. "I didn't get a nice look of your boxer yet,"
How fool I was trying to walk out still with my sleep-suit!
He walked towards me and put his hand around my shoulder. "Sit, we need a talk first," he took over my bag and put it away somewhere.
He sat in front of me. A sight of him that I yearned for so many times, was now too real to be called a dream. He was there, just less than a meter from me. I could see his eyes, his hair, his lips, everything that I used to admire in him.
"How are you?" he asked it plainly.
"Fine," sarcastically.
"Good, it's nice to know that you're doing very well while I'm not at all," he wrapped his both hands and put them on the table. Something was bothering him.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I was too afraid of losing you. I must admit a year without you was the worst. Why were you avoiding me?"
Oh, right. I was the one who rejected his call and ignored his text. If I was him, I would also stop contacting after a week. So all he did was normal, I was the only one making it worse.
"Why were you coming back only after a year? You said that you would come back often,"
"I did. I always came here at least every 2 months only to see you secretly. Heh, funny, I sounded like a stalker. But tell me, how could I meet a person who were avoiding you in the first place?"
"You still owe me an explanation," my mind was too messy but I still try to act tough.
He sighed first, "You're right. I apologize,"
"For what?"
He sat quietly and suddenly reached my hands to hold. His movement was too gentle yet warm so I stopped resisting.
"For making you confused. Okay, I am actually a bisexual and I knew it already years ago. Every time I put my interest on a man, I tried to suppressed it as hard as I could. You understand how hard it is for people like us to come out so I don't want to make things harder for you. But still, seeing you and hiding my own feeling is the hardest thing to do. I also like you, Keane. The fact that I am being an ass this whole time is only making you hurt, and I do apologize for that,"
He finally said it.
It's as if this whole year was to wait for this only moment.
"I was too shocked hearing your confession and I acted too stupid to use the reason that I was straight when in fact, I never was. But on the contrary, I also could not hold the urge inside me to love you so I was being too selfish to you without any explanation,"
"When I heard from others that you were rumored to be gay and they told me to avoid you, I was so angry and wanted to protect you the most. That's when I realized that I actually cared about you. So when I had to move and you told me your feelings, I was too happy but worried inside. If I said yes to that, the rumor will be harsher to you. I didn't want to be the reason for them to harm you. But I was being such a jerk back then because I could not see the boundary between friends and lovers anymore. I was too afraid to tell you and asked you to be against the world,"
"Bryan," I reached out to him. My hands were holding his now. "Let's be against the world. I never care if the world is too harsh to me," again, I thought too selfish.
"No, no, you don't understand. I came from a very conservative family. Even any normal woman could not get approval from my parents, they really have a high qualification for my future partner, plus they never know about my sexual orientation,"
I was listening. "Then what do you want me to do?"
"I want us to be lovers. I swear I love you, Keane. This whole year is enough for me to think and ensure myself. But the only thing that can make it work is only for me accepting the engagement with a woman that my parents wanted,"
"A woman...?"
He gave me a bitter expression. "Yes, I know it may be wrong but this is the only way to get rid of their suspicion and pressure to me. I also ask you to move in here. I'll come back once a month and after a year we'll surely live together. Give me just 1 year to break off the engagement then we can live happily,"
This whole thing was actually hard to process in my mind.
"I will take you to meet the woman first. I'll introduce you as my roommate so she won't get suspicious also,"
"You mean that we should hide our relationship...?" It sounded too wrong.
He nodded, "I am sorry, this is the only way for us... Do you mind?"
I took a deep breath, and said, "If that's what it takes,"
He stood up to his seat and pressed his lips to mine. "I am glad to hear that. I hope there will be no misunderstanding between us anymore,"
I was still high by his action, and only nodded, "Yes,"
"And I finally can call you babe," he grinned, a typical grin that I forgot for how long did I miss so much.
He held my cheek and kissed me again one more time,
"I love you so much, babe,"
*****
The next month, Bryan asked me to prepare for Nina's visit to our place. Oh, right. I was now living in Bryan's place. I moved my own things right after I got time. I occupied the empty room that was used to be a storage room but whenever he came back, we always slept together in his place.
Someone knocked the door and I saw a beautiful lady-like woman with a peach colored maxi dress in front of me.
"Hi, I am Nina, you must be... Keane, right?"
She must knew my name from Bryan. I greeted her and asked to come in. She was well mannered and even when she sat in the sofa, she looked very elegant. I bet she must be from a prestigious family.
I accompanied her while waited for Bryan to come back. Nina owned her own fashion line and set up a marketing agency that's quite known, I searched for the company's name to see is it legit. And as expected, her parents were close to Bryan's parent through an elite club, since the family were involved in property business.
I had a nice talk with Nina, she was easy going and fun to talk to. No wonder she got approval from Bryan's parents, even if I am a parent someday, it would be nice to have a daughter in law like her.
"Since when did you knew Bryan and how did you become roommate?"
Well, this kind of question had been discussed with Bryan so we would have a matched answer.
"We've been friends since our college years and I needed to cut down my living expenses so Bryan agreed to help. I was only in charge of monthly bills, that was too much of help,"
Nina just keep nodded. I was just serving her something to drink when Bryan finally came. "Oh, hi,"
The facial expression of Nina was somehow different. I could see that she was attracted to Bryan, or maybe she liked him already. This kind of thought were really disturbing me, it's as if I wanted to tell Bryan to quickly cancel the engagement.
"What did you two talked about before me?" Bryan sat in the sofa beside Nina. I was sitting on the couch next to the sofa.
"Just trivial things," said Nina.
"Keane, did you already know that Nina was one of my high school friends?"
I looked at Nina once again. Well, if that's so, perhaps Nina already liked Bryan since then. And if it's true also, I was too nervous to fight against such a refined woman. I was wondering if someday Bryan would have a sudden change of heart, and I would end up alone.
"Oh? A high school sweetheart, wasn't it? I see why you both belong to each other,"
A slight turn of Bryan suddenly startled me. Nina was only laughing to hide his blushed face. On the other hands, Bryan was not enjoying my statement.
"No, that's mostly because of my parents insisted on having a son in law like him. I knew it well that you're against the engagement,"
Bryan sighed, "Yeah, if it ain't you, I wouldn't think twice at all. But since it is arranged by our parents, I will try my best to be a good fiancee to you,"
Nina nodded. "Take care of me, please," she smiled shyly.
"Well, I don't want to be a third wheel, so..." I bounced up to go straight to my own room, the one that I rarely slept in.
Bryan caught my arms and ordered me to stay. "No, sit here. You need to be familiar with her also,"
Nina looked confused but she still kept her manners, "Yes, Keane. We need to get along well more,"
I just gave them both a bitter smile and sat down quietly. They both talked casually as if they weren't engaged at all. But the way Nina looked at Bryan, I was getting more anxious. She tried hard to hide her feelings and less seductive, but still, she was a woman and Bryan used to like many woman in his life before.
After Nina left, Bryan hugged me tightly. "I missed you so much, babe," Oh right, he just came straight from the airport and looked so tired.
"Take a bath first, you smell awful by the way," I pushed him away.
He pouted, "Okay..." he went to his room but then turned back again, "Do you want to join?" asked him which I instantly rejected it.
The next minutes, he already changed to his usual pajamas and hugged me again, "Let's go straight to cuddle,"
Well, I was not in the mood when my head was full of her perfect fiancee. "Bryan, how do you think this is the best idea?"
"What idea?" He loosened his hug and turned my waist so we could face each other. "You mean my engagement with Nina,"
I nodded. "I can tell that she likes you," I pushed his chest when he was eager to hug me tighter. "And I don't like it. She's not just any girl that I can leave you out with,"
"Are you worried that I will like her one day?" he didn't look serious at all. Instead he was having fun to tease my jealousy.
"Bryan, I know you. You have more woman as your ex, I can't compete against her at all,"
"Babe," he called me deeply. "Even if I had loved women before, my heart is already full of you and no one can fill it anymore,"
"What if someday you'll get tired of me?"
"Nonsense, how can I think of that now when my head is full of every dirty thoughts that I want to do to you?" He smirked.
"I'm not in the mood. I am still thinking if this is right. Even for Nina, what we did isn't fair at all,"
He stopped hugging to look me in the eyes. "You see, in this world there's no way we can leisurely be happy. If you think it's kinda cheating, should we tell everything to Nina?"
I just kept silent. We would make it more complicated to involve Nina, while she's expecting Bryan to love him back.
"Until when should I wait...?"
"Just a year, I will keep this relationship for a year and I'll call it off just like that,"
I nodded to agree. Agreed to wait another year more. That's really okay since I knew this time I had him beside me.
He usually just stayed for the weekend so the next day we went to go out for dining. This time, Nina was following us. I felt either apologetic or upset by her presence. I only had a day with him, but I had to share with her also. But seeing Nina and her manner, I couldn't feel angry to her.
"Is this your usual place?" she looked around the place.
"Yes," oddly, both me and Bryan answered in harmony. "This place is popular for their burgers, you should try one," Bryan continued to break the awkwardness.
Nina agreed and we all ordered the same thing. I sat beside Bryan while Nina was in front of him. When the waiter passed the tissue and cutlery, Bryan organized mine neatly, as usual. Somehow I noticed Nina looking at us but then she ignored it.
"So, Keane, what do you think living with Bryan? Is he acceptable enough?" she asked.
"What do you mean asking that? Of course I am fun to live with, aren't I?" Bryan pulled my shoulder closer to him.
"Yes, I really like it. He is so considerate to me though," I added.
"See?" Bryan was looking proud.
"I guessed you're not the one to ask for his flaw either," Nina sneered at me.
"Well, what do you want me to tell? He is a very good cook, I can't even complaint,"
"Tell me, if you're a woman, would you even date him?"
That kind of question...
Even as a man, I would love to date him and spend all of my days with him.
But I was afraid if I answered her, I would expose my feelings. I didn't know what to answer.
"Hey, I am a boyfriend material, and even a husband material, aren't I?" Bryan poked me. Thank God, he answered instead of me.
I just nodded to his statement. I didn't know, things were going too awkward to handle. I noticed that Nina was indeed a smart woman, maybe she could see that something was going fishy. Perhaps her question was just a bait for us, and if I felt too awkward to even answer, she could sense something.
"Yeah, it's a plus one, you'll get a great boyfriend and a personal chef. Who'd not have him?"
Nina smiled to me that made me anxious. I said what I wanted to say.
"Keane, where should we go after this?" Nina asked me nicely, which startled me. Why ask me? I wondered it a lot.
"I don't know. Where do you want to go?"
"I want to watch a movie," she said.
"Sounds great," Bryan responded to her.
"Can I have more time with Bryan only, Keane?" This woman... She was good at intimidating someone. She actually shooed me away, in such a polite way that you didn't really have a choice but to agree with her.
"Ah, right. Moreover, I still have to do groceries, I'll skip it,"
Nina looked satisfied, unlike Bryan. "What groceries? You didn't really cook much, it's better to takeout than wasting away food,"
"For my snacks," I smiled awkwardly. Bryan was like that. He was a fool to read the situation. Nina clearly had been annoyed with my presence.
After a nice dining, I went straight to home and luckily I still could hold my tears. I took off my shirts to get ready for a bath and cry as much as I want.
I still hated myself to like Bryan and still put a high hope on him. Again, I was asked to wait to him but what did I get now? Just a countless day of waiting him to come back home.
It needed a month to wait for him but I couldn't even spend the whole 24 hours in total. My tears has been dried when Bryan came home.
I wore my usual sleep suit, the shirt and boxer that I used when our first video call. Bryan was always being so touchy, especially when I wore this sleep suit.
And me, I was only keeping this feeling to myself. I didn't want to worry Bryan more. After all, I just had to endure for another year. As long as I was sure Bryan wasn't going anywhere, it should be enough.
"I forgot to go to supermarket,"
He just hugged me and sniffed around my neck. "Should we go out again?"
"No, you must be tired also. I can do it tomorrow, what time is your flight tomorrow? I'll take you to the airport,"
"No need, Nina will do,"
It's getting weird and weirder. Since their engagement was set, I apparently was just a secret lover of him. Well, that's true but I wasn't intended to be like this also. I thought his engagement was formality without any interaction but it looked real than I thought before.
"Oh? Okay,"
"Have you had dinner?" Bryan asked while walked to the kitchen.
"Yeah, chips," I wasn't in the mood to make dinner, so I just grab some snacks to fill my stomach.
"Oh God, you have to look after your health. I'll cook dinner for you," he prepared to cook and looked at the fridge for something edible.
I just looked at him busy in cooking. This kind of view might be rare and I needed to enjoy it very much.
"Bryan," I called him when he's still cooking. He glanced at me.
"What we'll do after you finish your studies?"
"What do you mean? Of course I live here then we'll live together finally,"
"Then what?"
"Then I'll cook you 3 times a day, sleep together, do our laundry together, watch TV, or whatever you want together,"
I smirked. "You have to promise me,"
He nodded. "Of course, I promise you. I'll finish my studies real quick,"
"I can wait,"
"But I can't. I can't wait to move in here again,"
I just giggled. I wished this happiness was everlasting. How simple my wish is nowadays...
*****
"Hi I just came by to give you this," Nina was in front of the door when I opened it because of the knocking.
She brought me a handful of chocolates wrapped in a transparent pouch.
"I just came back yesterday from visiting Bryan. When he accompanied me to buy souvenirs, he asked me to give this to you. He said you like chocolates,"
"I do, yeah, I'll say thanks to him, and thanks to you too,"
She just smiled, "Don't mind it," but after she gave me the chocolates, she stood still in front of the door.
"Do you want to come in?" I asked. She just nodded and came in quickly. I wondered what was she doing. Obviously there was no Bryan here.
"Thanks, I just need a friend to chit-chat," she walked to the sofa and sat neatly.
I followed her and stood in front of her. "Tea?" she nodded also so I walked to the kitchen to grab a tea for her.
Nina was still sitting in silent when I glanced at her. I was questioning what she wanted to talk about, which must be related to Bryan.
"So what was the occasion?" I asked her in far away.
"Nothing, just visiting him," she answered. "Have you gone to his place there? He had a nice view from his balcony and it's near to everywhere,"
"Not yet, but it must be nice then,"
"Yeah, too bad I only planned for 3 days stay there. If I knew earlier, I could stay for a week more,"
I tried not to look her in the eye. Was it her intention to let me know that she was just spending the nights at Bryan's place?
I tried hard to look calm outside. "Well, you can plan for the next visit,"
"Do you want to come with me?"
"I think I'm gonna skip it, I have many works to do here," I put her tea on the table. She took a sip then put the cup down again.
"Good, because I don't like anyone to disturb my precious time with him,"
I was startled at how she used a very deep and sharp word to me. She still smiled, but there was a hint of fierce at her face. Maybe I was hallucinating this time, or I wasn't listening well.
"I'm sorry, but what did you say?"
"Oh honey, cut to the chase, I don't like seeing you and I want you to stay away from Bryan. You get what I mean, right?"
For a very moment, Nina was changed from a well-mannered woman to an evil one in my perception. I did not see her elegance but only a jealousy and her ambition to own Bryan for herself.
"But I am his roommate. How can I stay away from him if I also live here? Do you mean I should move to another place?"
She smiled, fiercely. "That would be better, actually,"
I was more startled to hear that. "I am sorry but I can't do that. I am just his roommate, you shouldn't worry about anything. I don't mind with your business at all,"
"Are you, really? Are you sure you're only his roommate?" She hinted something, and I was too afraid to speculate that she could sense something.
"Yes, I am. I like this place and its location. And also the living cost. I can't find cheaper place and more comfortable than here,"
"What if I give you the room below with the same price that you pay here?"
Well, I couldn't be startled than this. The power of the riches obviously. What should I answer now. What would be a reasonable answer to reject her offer...
"What is your problem with me? I believe I never disturb you and Bryan before,"
"Swear to God now that you don't like him at all, you gay," I couldn't believe that kind of word were coming from her. All of her impression that I was admired before had been destroyed by her own attitude.
There was never the adorable Nina. This bitch was only hiding her evil in front of Bryan. God is still fair. Her beauty was only a cover of her ill-mannered.
But how did she find out my feelings? Was it true that I was too bad to hide myself, or did she just guess it?
"Did Bryan already know that you're gay?" she was being rude. I wanted to kick her out but I still acted calm to deny her accusation.
"Listen, I respect you as my roommate's fiancee enough but you reached my limit. You better go before I tell Bryan your true form,"
She lifted her chin, as if she knew that she was right all along.
"If he knew, he wouldn't let you stay anymore,"
Ha! Just try telling him, you old hag! It must be hilarious to see her expression after knowing that his fiancee was too gay to side with her. And this gay in front of her was actually his gay partner.
But I had to protect Bryan's face. I was used to be treated like this, but not him. Even my own family had treated me worse than her. I was stronger than I was seen in a case like this.
"Let's make it clear here. I can promise you that you won't see me at all whenever you're with him. If you come here, I can come out until you leave. If you hate me that badly, I can do this much, but I can't give up on this place. And you can't force me to move out also. It can arouse his suspicion that may end up bad,"
When I said I was strong, it meant that I was strong enough to endure it more. I chose to yield and let this evil bitch got what she wanted.
She thought hard then agreed to negotiate.
So the next time Bryan came home, I would go somewhere else when Nina came visit. I did it unnoticed for several times. I usually went back home at midnight to avoid Nina, but one day she was still there when I opened the door.
I didn't know what they had done until now but when I wanted to go to my room, Nina walked closer to me and whispered,
"I'll sleep here tonight so you better find a place to sleep out there,"
I could feel my body was trembling hard after she whispered. I kept nodded then quickly grabbed my bag and a few clothes. I told to Bryan that I would spend the night at my parent's house. He was suspicious at first but Nina made him busy so that he could only say, "take care" to me and focus on her again.
On my way out I was wondering if I told Bryan her real face, would he stand by my side or her instead. And even if he would stand by her at the end, what would it make us? Was it the end of this secretive and unsatisfied relationship?
But my head was full of thinking what would they do tonight. Could I still trust Bryan, even after knowing that bitch intention?
Moreover, I was aware that Bryan was bisexual and it had been a long time since he tasted a woman's touch. I never asked what they had done this past months. Eventually, I wasn't strong enough to accept this condition. It's better to ignore the fact that he was engaged to Nina in public while I was only his lover in shadow. At least by staying away from them made it easier to ignore it.
I sat on the bench at the park nearby. There was no one here at this past hour which was a relieve. I planned to stay awake until morning so I tried not to lie down like a homeless man. The weather was unexpectedly chill and too windy. I forgot to bring a jacket, maybe I would catch a cold tomorrow.
My guards were finally breaking down after an hour so I was preparing myself to lie down on bench and get a real sleep.
"What are you doing here?" A voice was waking me up and I could see Bryan in front of me.
I stole a glance at time and apparently I only had half an hour sleep. Then I saw his frowned face and I could imagine how pathetic I looked to him.
"I just took Nina home," he reached my hands and pulled me to stand up.
I kept looking down, unable to look him in the eye after that. I hated myself for losing a faith in him. I was already in the verge of giving him up wholly.
"I knew you're lying. You said it clearly you're on bad terms with your parents and you never visited them in every occasion. Was it because of Nina? What did she tell you?"
I sobbed hard and tried to wipe away the tears. It was actually useless and my sleeves were wet because of it. I never showed him my tears before. This was the first of everything.
"She knew that I'm gay and told me to stay away from her whenever she's with you,"
I could not hear a word from him but my tears were still flowing away so I was still busy wiping them.
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" He sounded upset.
"I thought I could handle it alone..."
He hugged me suddenly and patted my head. "I am sorry I have to give you hard times like this..."
I thought I would get a cold but then I was warmed by his words.
"I'm sorry too..."
"What for?" He asked me without loosened his hug.
"For almost having a thought that you had abandoned me,"
"I won't do that, Babe, ever," said him, so did all my exes. "Now let's go home. The bed is too lonely without you,"
I nodded and tried to hide away my ugly face after sobbing. He smiled and pinched my cheek instead.
"Speaking of Nina," I brought another topic while we walked to home. "She clearly said that she wanted to sleepover, but why did you take her home?"
"It's inappropriate for a woman insisting to sleepover in a man's place. She tried to convince me it's too late for a woman to walk out at this late night so I sent her home instead,"
I almost laughed listening his explanation.
"Oh, really? Then what about the last time when she visited you?"
"What about it?" He looked dumbfounded, obviously.
"She had stayed at your place, right? She came to me telling me that by herself,"
His eyes were enlarged.
"And did you even believe at her?"
I nodded slowly and he slapped hit forehead. "I am sorry but I can't even think that you believe that bullshit. How can I let a woman to sleep at my place?"
I stared at him. "I said I am sorry,"
"Come here you cutie, I should teach you a lesson tonight," he pulled me into his arms and pinched my cheek.
*****
"Oh my God!"
A man was screaming right in front of me. Yes, Bryan. I was coming to his place a week before his graduation. He was still wearing a boxer and messy hair. I could even see that he just woke up.
I smiled and pushed him inside, "It's freezing out there, let me in," I put my belongings to the sofa.
Nina was right, his place was nice and there was a balcony with a great view. But sadly it was too windy out there. The winter was coming. And I hate winter or being cold.
He kissed me passionately, "I am happy you're coming, now where is my present?" he was begging like a big puppy. His eyes and gestures reminded me of a golden retriever.
"I am the present, my presence is my present to you," funny, heh. I could not be ashamed more than this.
But his smirk just made me more uneasy. "Then since you are my present then I could do anything to you no...?"
I hurriedly took out the wrapped gift from my bag. "Just kidding, here's yours,"
"No I prefer this...." he pushed me down to the sofa and touched me firmly.
I was too embarrassed so I moved further away from him. I took again the gift that he threw and insisted him to take it.
He sensed that I was not in the mood so he opened the gift and smiled brightly. "A necklace...? A couple necklace?" he glanced at my neck.
"No, it's only for you. The price is too costly to buy another one. Once my bonus are paid maybe I'll buy it again,"
He looked disappointed. "We don't have a couple thing, it reminds me how we're not like a real couple at all, I can't mark my territory well,"
I found it amusing when he was complaining. That was one of many things we couldn't do since we kept this relationship in secret. I bet he forgot it.
"Well... Since I am here now... Can we just order something or you cook me anything edible? I am starving,"
"Don't you want to go out? I can show you a great food nearby,"
"Maybe tomorrow, I have no energy at all for now,"
He laughed, then took my bags to his bedroom. "You better get shower now and your food will be ready right after,"
I did get shower then changed to my sleep suit. After coming out of toilet, I could smell his signature dish, stir fried vegetables with mushrooms. I was not a fan of veggies but his dish was an exception.
Bryan knew better than anyone I had a bad eating habit. Whenever he cooked, he always took care of my nutrition intake. He prepared a complete meal. I was tolerable for whatever he cooked so I never complained at all.
"What are you thinking of?' he was staring at me while I was eating.
"Hmm... I missed this so much. I can't wait for us living together so that I can have a well-balanced diet meal and keep my shape,"
"Hey, I am finishing my studies quickly on purpose. I feel the same, babe"
I kept nodding and eating. Actually I was afraid that I was too happy nowadays. I was never being this lucky before. And my relationship with Bryan was the sweetest thing I ever imagined.
"I am so afraid of losing you," and this moment, and us, and this happiness.
"Don't worry, me too," he patted my head with a big smile.
At the day before Graduation, Bryan's parents were coming and I got to meet them in personal. He introduced me as his best friend. I could not argue with that and I got along well. His parents were talking about Nina all the time.
Knowing that I might be sick of the topic, Bryan was asking them to get a rest in the hotel instead. Right after they agreed, his Mother was suddenly bringing another news,
"We actually had talked with Nina's parents. We already set your wedding plan. After you are coming back, we will set everything. February will be fine,”
February was 3 months left. I couldn’t believe my ears but when I saw Bryan, he was shocked as well.
“No, it won’t be fine. But let save it for later and focus on tomorrow. Sleep well, we need to arrive early,” he pushed them to the door.
Right after they left, he looked so pale.
“Babe, I think I just missed a moment, we’ll be in a big trouble now,” he gritted his teeth, something he rarely did. But I could feel his worry, so I was frozen.
“What do you mean? You said you would break it off, right?”
His silence worried me. I wanted him to answer me immediately but it would only make it worse. I knew he was also thinking a way.
“I am not sure but… you see… well…” he walked around in circle and I just sat and waited for his saying.
Until I was not sure that he still in his right mind, I reached out to him and held his hand. “Can’t you say that you don’t want to marry her?”
He shook his head. “No, this is not only between me and her. Nina’s father is just appointed as a police chief, surely my parents wouldn’t let away this kind of connection,”
Remembering the presence of Mr and Mrs Burdough was making me chill. They were classy in a sort of way and well-educated. I didn’t exactly know what was their business but I could assure that Keane’s family was rich.
“But let’s just have a rest for now and let me talk to them immediately after tomorrow,” Bryan was pulling me to the bedroom.
I tried to sleep but I still could sense that my nightmare might come finally. There was no way I could ever be like the happiest person on Earth. I was meant to be unlucky and I was only forgetting it whenever I was with Bryan.
At the graduation day, Nina and her parents also came. I just looked at the two family in a far. I was hesitating to be around Bryan so I just hid. Bryan himself also did not ask me to get closer. It seemed I just did a right thing. After all, I was just a secret lover of him. I was never meant to be out of shadow.
Both of their parents had something in common. Their presence were so strong, it’s as if they were influential figure and Bryan’s parents respected Nina’s father so much.
Then I came up with a conclusion. If Bryan was not considered as his son-in-law to-be, why would a police chief waste his time to attend here today?
I was the worst of a human being. I decided to get back immediately, took my belongings and rescheduled my flight to the earliest as possible. I was still in a suit when I waited at the airport. A text just came from Bryan,
Where are you? I can’t find you anywhere.
I was hesitating what to tell him. But a simple text would make him less worried.
I had to hurry back home, see you soon, I texted him.
A reply was arrived. It was too simple than I expected.
Okay,.
I thought positively that he was too busy to think of anything else and I shouldn’t ask for his attention more. I was being shameless and selfish enough.
Right when I went back home, I just sat and hugged the cushion. My mind was either too messed up or too blank. I hesitated what to discuss with Bryan. I did wait him for more years, should I wait for another year or could I even wait again? What if this relationship wouldn’t work at all?
Should we end it earlier?
Should I even forget you either?
A month passed by without any news or even presence of him. It felt like the same scenario was repeating again. We became too distant. I wasn’t sure to call him but he also didn’t approach me either.
I thought perhaps he was still busy of moving out or something related to his studies. So I waited more and more. More days were wasted and I was still living at his place, hoping he would come here finally.
But when the second month were arrived, and there was no text from him, I couldn’t bear the anxiety that kicked in. In a very lonely night, I took my courage to call him.
Huh, no answer. I was too hopeless now.
I laughed at myself. How fool I was all this time. I was indeed a little girl by heart. My life was to depended on a fragile love like this. Why should I embrace love like this if I knew exactly the end would always got worse.
But when I was in the edge of becoming crazy, a call came in and I saw Bryan’s number on the screen.
I took it immediately and I heard his sound, clear but soft kind of voice.
“Babe,” he still called me that. “I need to see you now, are you home?”
“Yes,” I cracked my voice. It was quite obvious that I just cried loudly and I failed to hide it.
“Stay there and wait for me. Don’t go anywhere,”
I felt more anxious when he said that. I wanted to ask more, where was he all this time. But he hung up the call so I hadn’t got the chance to ask him.
I went straight to the toilet to fix my face. The swollen eyes, messy hair, I looked pitiful. I tried to wash my face and freshened up then sat patiently at the sofa.
The door was unlocked after less than an hour. Bryan was running towards me and sat next to me. His eyes were too serious and I couldn’t utter any word when saw him.
“Keane, I need to ask you something,”
Well, you jerk, I also have many questions for you to answer them!
“What do you think our relationship will lead us to be?”
“What do you mean?” I don’t get anything.
He turned his head away and didn’t try to had an eye contact.
“I can’t help it. I must marry Nina, no matter what,”
There it is. The nightmare that I once foreseen it before.
“I am sorry,” he turned down his head. “I tried everything these past months to call it off, but I couldn’t do anything of it,”
I could see that he was struggling but I couldn’t embrace him. Not today, or not anymore.
“I understand. Anyway, this is for the best, for your own life and your families,”
That’s right. Living with me was the hardest.
“Babe, I don’t want to lose you,”
“Then what do you want me to do?”
“This place will be yours. It’s under my name with my own money. Please don’t leave here so that I can see you whenever I want to,”
I couldn’t be more startled to hear that. Was he implying that we would keep this relationship, while he was being someone’s husband legally?
Was it actually my fate, becoming a male mistress of a police chief’s son in law?
But I loved him. I needed him. I didn’t want to break up with him. And being a mistress was not the worst thing I ever did. I was born sinner and to stay sin was not that weird.
“I promise I would divorce with her as soon as possible!”
There it was. Another promise, another lie. I realized that I was too stupid to believe his words again this time.
“Bryan,” I looked at him with a gentle smile when he tried to turn his head towards me.
“I can wait,”
Yes, I’d wait. Even if it takes ten to twenty years more. Until you’re sick of me, or even until you tell me straight away to get lost from your sight. Until God-knows-when this great sin to end.
