On My Way to Set Up a Heartbreak Club

Hi.

Good day to you and I wish that you all have a very good start to become a better person in this new year. This is me again. With all of useless thing that I want to share to you.

I recently realized that this blog is full of sadness, unclear emotion, and too abstract. Is it really that I have no intention of creating happiness here? Or is this already considered as a happy ending to me? What is my objection at the end?

I must admit that I hate a sad ending, I hate conflict, that may be one of reasons that I tend to create a "flat" story with less climax since I hate to put one. I always failed to finish a long story, and I don't really know if I am good at this or not. But all I know is that I need to do this as one of my breather. I treated each story as a milestone that marked the emotion I faced during the period.

But I now see the pattern. It is always about unrequited feeling, a loudest silence (p.s I am in love with this phrase nowadays) and the longing mind of the heroine. Because to me, it is harder to create such a happy ending instead of what I've done. I never felt amused when reviewing a happy story, or even how to end it happily. Am I peculiar? Or does it mean that I am not happy in reality? I don't know either.

Maybe it is because I cannot define what is happiness. To me, happiness is too broad and general. But again, I can proudly say that I am happy enough to be what I am now. This is too funny, my mind is too messed up, isn't it?

Well, I just want to let you know, that I admit most of stories that I posted here are too identical, coincidentally. I don't know if I would like to find a different approach. It will up to my mood, but then, a girl's mood cannot be predicted. So you have to accept it after all.

Wow, too much talk.

I now have to leave. I really faced such a writer's block now. Pray with me that I am going to be fine and post various idea from now on, okay?

But again, here I share to you what I found during my trip to Seoul, located in Understand Avenue, near Seoul Forest Park. It said "worrying solves nothing" which is true.

I learned to not worry over unnecessary thing. And I am still trying to. I was that type of person who used to over-think everything, but I learned how bad it was, how it affected myself, my mind, my personal life, my viewpoint, everything. Now since IDGAF of any unnecessary matter, I feel free at a certain point.

[Monologue] Endless Loop of Disappointment

Kembali kecewa.

Setelah sekian lama aku lupa dan melupakan kesalahan bodoh yang terus terulang ini, aku terus kecewa.

Aku duduk di sebuah bangku berwarna biru yang berhadapan persis dengan sebuah patung kecil di galeri. Seluruh emosi terasa tumpah seketika saat melihat karya seni itu.

Bukan, bukan karena aku memahami seni dan menikmatinya.

Aku tidak pernah menjadi orang seperti itu dan hidupku hanya menyukai hal receh dan tidak berarti. Pikiranku begitu simpel namun kali ini emosi itu memuncak hanya karena satu pemikiran konyol.

Aku bukanlah satu-satunya yang sedang mengatasi kesepian disini. Patung ini tidak kalah kesepian dan kecewa sama sepertiku. Dia pasti sangat kecewa saat tidak diukir dengan utuh seperti biasanya. Dan harus berdiri sendirian diantara ruangan kosong namun tidak tampil memukau untuk bisa dilihat, perasaan yang begitu mirip seperti yang kurasakan sekarang.

"Bad day?" Tanya seseorang yang rupanya telah duduk di sampingku.

Aku membuka mata yang awalnya terus terpejam. Sejak tadi aku berusaha memahami dan memaknai kesunyian di ruangan ini. Mungkin dengan itu aku bisa menata sedikit demi sedikit perasaanku.

"Not really," jawabku enggan membuka diri.

Nyatanya, hariku tidak seburuk perkiraan. Hanya saja perasaanku yang kalang kabut tidak karuan.

"Feeling upset?" Tanyanya kini mengganti pertanyaan.

Aku tertawa remeh. "Life is always upsetting," seperti lingkaran setan, kehidupanku mengecewakan dan aku terus yang membuat diriku sendiri kecewa. Kecewa sudah seperti dimana-mana.

"Then..."

"Nothing happened," balasku.

Aku memperhatikannya. "I just did something stupid and I hate myself," ucapku, setelah memilih untuk mengalah dan mengakui kalau aku butuh teman berbagi.

Dia tidak menunjukkan senyum tetapi aku tahu dia lega saat aku mulai membalasnya.

"I fell for million times and still I did not learn from the past," aku kembali menutup mata dan ribuan momen-momen bodoh langsung terlintas.

"That's not true," ucapnya. "You learned something,"

Aku meliriknya dan gagal memahami apa maksudnya.

"You learned how to not be selfish, that your life is not only about you," dia mengelus kepalaku.

Aku tersenyum sambil melihatnya. Apakah aku sudah menjadi orang yang sedikit lebih baik dari yang sebelumnya?

"That everytime you fall, you always stand back again. I am proud of you," senyumannya, yang membuat kekosongan ini tak terasa lagi.

Senyuman nampak di wajahku, meski di dalam hati aku meremehkan semua pujiannya.

"Then what about my heart?" tak terasa, senyuman langsung menghilang saat aku mulai memikirkan hal lain. Karena tidak bisa menemukan jawabannya, dia terdiam.

Aku memangku kepala ke bahunya. Kontemplasi seharian membuat tenagaku terkuras.

"Sometimes, you just need someone for a reason. A reason why you should live and keep moving forward. Or maybe to remind you that you are also a human with a feeling,"

Aku hanya bisa terdiam dan menutup mata di atas bahunya. Ditemani seseorang mampu membuat perasaanku lebih tenang.

"I wish you were really here," ucapku kepadanya.

Kepada sesosok bayang-bayang di sampingku ini. Seseorang yang hanya bisa dilihat olehku saja.

"I am here,"

"You were here," aku tersenyum kepadanya. "We met at this place, only once. But you died too soon. You only live here now," aku menunjuk diriku sendiri, tepat di dada.

Dia hanya menatapku dengan senyuman.

"You are one of my dissapointment. One of regrets that I could not forget. If only I was brave enough to tell you that I like you, things might be going differently,"

Dia kini menggeleng.

"There is always a reason for everything. You just have not found that out yet,"

Ya, dia adalah kekecewaan terbesarku. Yang membuatku tidak bisa berhenti mencari penggantinya. Yang tidak pernah menjadi awal namun telah mengakhiri begitu saja.

Berkali-kali aku mencari perempuan lain yang bisa membuatku melupakannya, namun hanya perasaan kecewa yang tertinggal. Bayangannya selalu ada, pertemuan yang hanya beberapa jentik namun hanya berbuah penyesalan.

If only I ever talked to you before, could you tell me what was the reason that we met?

[One Shot] An Encounter

Disaat semua orang mengatakan bahwa aku salah, kamu meraih tanganku dan berkata dengan senyuman tulus, bahwa tidak ada yang salah. Bukan aku, bukan pilihanku. Dan mereka tidak salah.

Karena bagimu, semua ini hanya berdasarkan persepsi. Dan aku menyukai setiap kata yang terucap darimu.

Kamu tahu?

Memang tidak boleh ada yang bersalah dalam hal ini. Tidak seharusnya siapapun menghakimi. Bahkan aku sendiri. Seluruh pikiran negatif itu hanya tidak mengerti yang terjadi.

Karena itu, aku hanya ingin mendekapmu erat. Aku ingin bertemu denganmu, mengenggam tanganmu, dan merasakan semua itu. Hanya aku, untukku.

Aku bertanya-tanya apa yang mengawali ini.

Siapa yang akhirnya menemukan siapa. Apakah aku yang akhirnya menemukanmu, ataukah kamu juga dari dulu mencariku.

Suaramu terus bergema. Aku menyukai setiap detiknya. Disaat aku tersenyum sendiri karena fantasi-fantasi tentangmu.

Dan sayangnya, setiap senyuman itu akan selalu berakhir dengan air mata. Setiap kali aku ingin menyelimuti diri dengan kebahagiaan, rasa sedih malah memuncak dan mengalahkan semuanya.

Jangan pergi. Ucapku. Di dalam hati.

Karena di setiap pertemuan selalu ada perpisahan. Meski semua orang telah mengetahuinya, tetap saja tidak ada yang pernah siap untuk perpisahan.

Anggap saja kita tidak pernah berpisah. Bayangkan kalau kita hanya berjalan di jalur masing-masing dan entah kapan jalur itu akan menyatu kembali.

Kalau kubilang aku hanya memilikimu di dunia ini, apakah kau akan kembali? Kalau aku mengakui bahwa aku terlalu membutuhkanmu saat ini hingga selamanya, apa kau tidak akan pergi?

Tetapi kau sudah berjalan terlalu jauh sampai aku tidak bisa menghampirimu.

*****

"Oh yes, I am living happily,"

Kau berada di depanku dengan senyuman itu. Senyum yang hampir tidak bisa kulupakan sejak terakhir kali di malam itu.

"That's a relief,"

Aku berusaha ikut senang bersamamu. Aku hanya berharap kau tidak membalikkan pertanyaanku tadi.

"I may not live as I want to, but there is no harm to try and enjoy,"

Ya, itu yang selalu kau ucapkan. Coba saja dan nikmati. Kau masih seperti dahulu.

"What about you?"

Aku melihatmu yang menunggu jawaban dariku. Aku memasukkan tangan ke dalam jaket yang kukenakan. Aku tidak mau terlihat gugup saat menjawabmu.

Ini pertanyaan yang selalu kutunggu, dan aku tidak tahu apakah jawabanku sudah sempurna atau belum.

"I am fine. I am living just fine since you left,"

Kau yang membawaku kesini. Dan aku sedang tertatih untuk bertahan di dunia ini. Tentu saja aku baik-baik saja, setidaknya itu yang akan kukatakan kepadamu.

"Do you like it?"

Apakah aku menyukainya? Apa yang dia tanyakan? Apakah tentang kehidupanku sekarang?

"I am just trying to have no regret in my decision,"

Ekspresimu nampak sedikit terkejut.

"Is something wrong?"

"Nothing wrong at all," aku berusaha tersenyum saat mengucapkannya. "I am grateful enough to meet you, but I regret that I have no chance to say thank you. So I really want to say thank you now,"

Kau hanya diam menunggu kelanjutanku.

"The reason that I come here and ask to meet, is only to say thank you, for everything that you taught me,"

"You don't have to,"

"You let me show my weakness to you, which I never did that to anyone in my life. I learned everything in hard way, and you were there. How can I not thank you for that?"

Karena bagaimanapun caranya, apapun yang kuucapkan kepadamu, kau tidak akan membiarkanku masuk ke dalam duniamu, kan?

"You are welcome," balasnya sambil tersenyum. Senyuman bodoh yang tidak pernah peka dengan apa yang kurasakan.

Kalau waktu bisa diputar, apakah aku masih ingin bertemu denganmu, atau tidak sama sekali?

"Be healthy and happy, Sir,"

Aku menjabat tangannya. Dan meyakinkan diri di dalam hati,

Yes, I never regret to meet you like this.

Meski waktu diputar, aku tetap ingin bertemu denganmu, dengan hubungan tak terikat seperti ini, persis seperti yang kita jalani sekarang.

Dan aku akan menyukaimu dalam diam dan memperhatikanmu dari kejauhan. Kemudian disaat aku sudah cukup siap, aku akan meminta untuk bertemu. Untuk berterima kasih kepadamu.

Seperti hari ini. Sama seperti sekarang.

Hanya untuk berterima kasih dan terus menyembunyikan perasaanku. Menjadi dewasa dan menganggap ini bukan perpisahan.

Karena jalanmu bukan berada di sebelah jalanku. Dan tidak ada ruang untuk jalan berdua bagi kita.

"You too,"

Journal of 2018 and Message to Myself

Well,

I must say 2018 is a very interesting year to me. Many things happened, which I cannot simply conclude in a word.

I traveled to many places this year, which is such a big achievement. To keep the balance between your work and holidays, I may have been blessed since not everyone had this chance.

On January, I went to Thailand. Bangkok and Khao Yai to be exact. It was such an interesting city to me. Thai was developing a lot and it reminded me of Seoul. The moment I went to Khao Yai, I just remembered the first time I went to Gapyeong or Pocheon. Even though it was not a big city, the air was so fresh and quite clean. January was the month when the temperature at the lowest, so I was having fun going here and there with a calming breeze and less sweat on my body.

The Bangkok city itself was well organized and also the transportation. I like it very much when I was having no difficulties to go here and there even though I was not familiar with the language and Thai words.

On February, I went to KL to celebrate my besties birthday. I remembered that I was still at Surabaya for a factory visit after having a function testing with my clients, then hurriedly went back to home at 11 pm, packed things, rested a bit and went back to airport at 3 am to catch flight. Such a restless month. What amazed me was my medical check-up during March showing a very healthy result. No indication as I expected. Wow.

From March to April I went to Surabaya for my works so often until I remembered that I stayed the first week in a same hotel then moved to my usual hotel for another 2 weeks. I was so done with Surabaya back then. But since it was less traffic jam and the food was great as hell, I could not complain anymore.

On May, I went to Japan, like finally. It was the highlight of my travel, since I prepared it by myself from months. Getting there was like a healing but with a lot of fun. I tried the Shinkansen to travel between Osaka - Tokyo and found out a lot of different culture between both cities. It was raining hard during May and I could feel winter breeze but I had no preparation for the cold weather so I was struggling to survive.

What I upset the most was my ultimate artist planned to have concert during my visit, but once again I did not really know how to buy the ticket since it was really limited to the fans, and being a fan required you to have Japan address. So I let that moment go.

But the trip to Japan was really meaningful to me until I felt there was a part of me left there so I had to go back again. Oh I will, believe me, I will...

On June, after Ramadhan and Eid Fitri, I was going to Hongkong, Macau, and Shenzhen with my whole family. I was in group trip and realized that I could ot stand to travel in a group. I now know that I prefer to go alone and exploring the country by myself, having some research, plan the itinerary, decide how to commute from one pace to another, searching for cheapest flight in preferred date, and looking for a strategic place to stay. I enjoyed every moment when I was preparing all of it and when I explored it like a local. I felt so free when I was given a day free to explore Hongkong.

On July, I went to Penang with my little bro. Then not too long after that, I went to Kota Kinabalu as a volunteer for my company. Although we were having less volunteering work but only city tour instead. But at those times, I got to know and close with different people from different countries, also different city in my country. Such an interesting experiences.

I recharged my pennies during August~October but went for a short trip to Jogja on September.

It was for the next trip to Seoul (again) on November. Seoul must be my most favorite city since I was too familiar with everything of it. I understand (a bit but enough) the language, conquered the transportation mode, and accustomed to the culture.

And also, the highlight of the trip was no other than... Going to Fly to the Sky Concert for the very first time of my life! Sadly I knew there was no chance of them to come to Indonesia and having concert so I must go by myself to see them. And it came true. I did not know how to express what I felt before, during, and after concert. Until now, I still had no idea what I just experienced. Was it real? Did I actually have a chance to see them in person and listening them live?

Anyway, I marked several places during this year, which is great. I was living my life as I wanted to, as I wished for. But it led to many thoughts, that I wanted to created a new resolution for 2019.

To never let my impulsivity take control of me again. Most of my journey in the past 2018 were results of the impulsivity, so I did not want to let myself controlled again. I have to reduce traveling and start saving money for any long-term plan.

Even though I still have no idea about my future plan, it is still good to save earlier. It is not really too late, said myself to my other self.

Well, that is my major resolution. Let's start with other resolution and also, a message to myself during this last moment of 2018.

Dear me,

You faced many things this year. But still, you marked nothing. Keep finding what you desire and live as you want to, not what it is supposed to.

But you also fulfilled something. So give your heart and mind a break, treat them nicely.

You found something, you lost it, that's normal. Not everything was under your control, let it go.

You started to get to know yourself better. Keep making yourself happy and satisfied, and explore more.

If you want to kick some a**, think about the consequences first, then do it with no doubt. Keep it to yourself only if you think it's not worth it.

Slowly but sure, the clock is ticking. You live in a place with constraints. Don't try to break them but make yourself to expand as much as possible.

And please remember this.

Everything changes. Either you or whatever around you that change. Fight or flight. Don't take a flight when you initiate and involve in ongoing fight. But you are already enough avoiding the battle. Time to suit up now, dear.

Wishing you another remarkable journey again next year...

[Intermezzo] Confusion and Contemplation

You see,

Life is so unpredictable. You may feel doubt, but that is normal.

I am observing you, a fragile kid living as a bore. Watching a life of twenty something years old human whose too young to fear and hesitate. I am also waiting you not to think much and do whatever you want to do.

You will be forever walking in a steep hill, never know when to fall or stay firm.

An encounter is also indefinite. Every meeting comes with parting, and that is normal.


You are wondering. How come, in an infinite time and space, moment and occasion, you found it. For what reason that you have to meet if you are forced to say goodbye again.


Contemplate, you said. You always want to heal fast and fly, but you never have a faith to do that.

Just fly. Embrace yourself. Go wherever you want to be. That is how you will make mistake, without a regret.

Yeah, just fly and be brave.

[Collection] Here, Standing Still

Aku terkejut saat melihat Sam berada di depan pintu rumahku. Dia tersenyum, dan tangannya tampak menyembunyikan sesuatu. Apakah itu untukku ?

“ Selamat ulang tahun !” dia mengeluarkan sesuatu dari balik punggungnya.

Astaga ! “ Saaaaaaam !!!!!” teriakku saat dia sudah pergi dengan tawa kencangnya. Dia baru saja mengotori halaman depan rumahku dengan sampah plastik. Sialan ! Dia mengerjaiku. Aku tidak berulang-tahun hari ini. Dia jelas-jelas sedang iseng.

“ Suzie, bagaimana kado ulang-tahun dariku ? Mengejutkan, bukan ?” dia baru kembali setelah beberapa detik, ketika aku terpaksa memungut sampah-sampah tersebut.

“ Sialan kau ! Kau menambah pekerjaanku di pagi buta begini !” aku memeriksa jam dinding di dalam rumah dan sadar bahwa sekarang masih jam 6. Di Minggu pagi begini dia sudah mengerjai orang, benar-benar kurang kerjaan anak ini.

Dia hanya tertawa, namun ikut memungut hasil keisengannya. Setidaknya dia memiliki tanggung jawab, itu cukup bagus.

*****

Sincerest Apology in 2017; But Please be Glad That I'm not Posting Shameful Photos

Dear You,

I am really sorry for being so busy these days.  I am really sorry for not traveling with you these week. I am really sorry for... everything that happened.

Honestly, This week has been such a hell for me too. I shall not tell all I've done (bcs it would be heard as excuses only), but I assure you that I am in a very tight schedule.

That situation leads to my "unprepared-me" for today. I can only say,

Happy Birthday to you, my CCTV person.

I am wishing you to never change, my life bolster.

I am wishing you to grab everything your ambition is yearning, my life bodyguard.

We may not be always together like we used to, but I pray that our hearts still be.

I am wishing we will always be like we knew each other since high school,

no, in better version for sure.

One more wish,

Let's be happy together, in our own path, but make sure we walk side by side, okay?

Welcome for becoming 22.

From me, sincerely.

S