[One Shot] For You, My Lover...

I could not even believe on what I saw just now.

"That's just... it?"

The person in front of me was sitting while holding his laughter. He nodded or mocked, only God knew it best.

"I must say that was because your requirements were quite... invincible,"

I frowned. Where did it go wrong?

"You should be thankful for only choosing 2 out of 3, that means only the unlucky one to be excluded," he just patted my head like a child. Unlike me, he got tons of application for his team.

"This is a large-scale competition, we should represent our school with the best candidate. Anyone to be selected based on his capability, not luck,"

"Sure, but still, good luck, then," He just nodded without really listened. He looked at the 3 sheets of application of mine. I snatched them all and just left the room.

I had only 2 weeks to prepare for my own team, so I called each of the applicants to have a session immediately. Since we would become a team, I already set some expectation that they had to meet.

Someone named Marcus was agreed to have interview after his basketball training. He was the first year student, 2 years younger than me. I walked to the hall and sat calmly on the free seat. A group of people were still on training, but they were about to finish. Around 10 minutes later, a person came up to me. He was way taller than me but he had a baby-face type. His sweats were distracting me and pushing me quite away from him.

"So why did you apply to be on my team?"

"My friend did, I thought he put his name but it's mine instead, sorry,"

F*ck. "But do you think you're qualified to join?"

"What is it about again?"

I hated myself realizing I just wasted my time to be here.

"It's a quiz competition," the smile that I put on was even too fake. I held my breath to calm myself.

"What kind of quiz?" another dumb question from him might cause him a punch in the eye.

"Everything. You are expected to know anything since it's random,"

He looked uninterested, I really wanted to leave in an instant.

"Well, thank you for your time, tell your friends not to pull any prank like this, it's not fun, really,"

"Hey," when I sat up from my seat, he called in a very loud voice. "I am good with quiz, though,"

I turned my back, smiled wider than ever. "But you have no intention to join the competition, right?"

"Who said that?" he then came forward and stood in front of me. Even though he's younger, he had a tall figure just like any other basketball athlete.

Not even an academic student.

"So, are you interested to join?" I asked one more time.

"Yes, I don't like it when I get rejected, like now,"

I kept my attitude enough to him. I held the application letter that I brought anywhere tightly. "There are other applicants that is more determined and qualified than you. I will consider it after I interview them all,"

He peeked at the files I kept, "You seemed to have not that many choices though. I am good with sports, I bet you need my knowledge as well,"

Well, he's quite right. "Yes, I will consider that too then,"

Since a sight of him annoyed me too much, I just wanted to go away quickly of him. But this one persistent child just followed me anywhere I went. I stopped him when he really followed me behind.

"What are you doing?" as a nice senior, I still tried to keep calm.

"I wanted to see all the applicants,"

"Who said you could do that?"

"I want to make sure they are not even better than me,"

Huh. Such a narcissist. "I have your number, I will let you know the result if you're selected, or you can wait at the announcement later,"

"But I don't have yours," he pulled out his phone and threw it to me. What a nice move to ask for a number.

"You will have it once I text you," I returned the phone.

"I can't wait. I have anxiety disorder, that's not good for my health,"

I looked at him, suspiciously. I did not believe anything he said. He had that prankster look. I knew he just teased me.

"No, just count the sheep if you can't sleep tonight,"

"Can't I call you instead? I don't like dreaming sheep,"

"Hey," I called him. "You're aware I am way older than you, and I am the one that will determine whether you're passed or not, right?" that meant, once you messed with me, you're no to go.

"Hey, trust me, you need me. What about this, you give me your number, then we will have a trial first, if I fail, then it's okay, you can select anyone as you wish,"

I frowned. Something felt not right, but I couldn't identify it at all. It's like I was manipulated by him already. I had no way to reject him for now, so I just gave him my number.

"Eh? Not ringing?"

I gave him the wrong number intentionally. But I didn't expect him to call right away.

"My battery is dead,"

"But it's connecting," he checked on me.

"Am I pressing a wrong number?" I took his phone one more time. This boy was not to mess. I bet he had a brain too.

But this time, he didn't call it again. It's as if he knew I gave him the right one. And I really gave him my number.

Only after when his friend called, then he sent me a goodbye. I was relieved after that. This boy would be a no, never.

But the other two were disaster. Was it really a trend to apply other person's names as a prank? Was it something funny to them?

After calling the other two, they simply refused to join and said that it's not them that applied.

Instead of taking out someone, now I needed anyone to fill the empty seat. It could be anyone but where should I find that kind of person?

But before I even had to think on how to look at first, someone knocked the door and peeked at the room.

"Excuse me," he did not even let his body part to come inside. I could only see his head at the door. "I saw the poster on the wall that you're recruiting team for a quiz competition. Is it still open?"

"Yes," I could not hide my excitement. Finally I found someone who was willing. "Come in let me interview you first,"

He sat in front of me as I instructed. He had a good manner, well, my first impression was already satisfied.

"I never saw your face before, which class are you from?"

So his name was Heinrich, a transfer student that moved in to the city just a week ago. He said he had participated in similar competition and won 3rd place. I was ecstatic to hear that, it meant I found a gem.

So I decided to test his skill. I had some samples of question from previous year and tested to him. Well, he almost got everything right. Finding him made me look forwards for a glory of my team.

I shook his hands, "Welcome to the team," I smiled to him widely. He then asked for another member. I reached my phone and called the bastard to come to the room.

Marcus came not too long after that and peeked at Heinrich. He did not talk much but just sat beside Heinrich. He then saw the lists of question sample that I left at the desk in front of us and then smirked. He looked satisfied that he got admitted without even being questioned.

"You're the transfer student, right?"

Heinrich nodded to Marcus. "We're from the same class,"

I was not really interested but quickly responded, "Oh? That's nice, you two will get along well,"

"No, I don't really know him, but nice to meet you, bro," he pulled Heinrich hands and shook him hard.

"Okay then, welcome to the team for both of you. We have 2 weeks to prepare for the competition and I beg you to come here everyday after school to exercise, is that okay for you both?"

"Not okay, I have training every Monday and Wednesday," Marcus was one of basketball team, his excuse was reasonable.

"Mine is fine," Heinrich responded with a wide smile.

"Great," I talked to Heinrich. "And for you, no problem, but you need to catch up," I switched to Marcus.

"But how can I do that?"

 

"There will be piles of cheat sheet you need to memorize by yourself then I will test you the day after, so be prepared,"

Marcus sighed. He signaled such disagreement.

"Just so you know, I am quite a tough person and take this competition seriously. I expect you both to get serious and be prepared from now on. If you have any complaint, please inform me now," I warned them.

"No, I'm fine, I am okay with everything," Heinrich smiled to me. His enthusiasm made me moved.

Then I looked at Marcus. "I'm fine too," he was less aggressive as before.

"Great, here is the first cheat sheet for you both, memorize them well and see you tomorrow,"

I stood up but both of them still unmoved. I looked at them, I meant we're dismissed for today. But both of them still reluctant to go.

"Is there any else you want to say?"

"Let's have a dinner first for welcoming our new team," Marcus pulled Heinrich and mine to get off the room.

No, no, I wasn't that social person. I wasn't used to any social activity too. I tried hard to reject Marcus many times but he still grabbed my arm and circled his arms around my shoulder so that I would not go anywhere. Heinrich was following from behind and giggling. He looked fine with it.

We finally arrived at a place that Marcus directed to. After we chose a seat and placed order, Marcus and Heinrich did not make any sound which made us too awkward. So I planned to break the ice.

"So Heinrich, why decided to move here?" I hadn't asked him during interview before.

He leaned his back until finally voiced out, "I tried to follow the path of someone I admired here,"

"So you knew someone?"

He nodded. "But he might not remember me,"

I didn't understand, "What do you mean? But how did you know he didn't remember you?"

He put his smile. "I am just nobody to him,"

"Is he someone from our school?"

He nodded. "Moron, didn't you listen to him? If that guy wasn't from our school, he wouldn't bother transfer here," Marcus was really too straight forward.

"There's another possibility he already graduated though," I justified myself to not look too stupid at Marcus.

Heinrich laughed, "You're right but he's still a student here too,"

"Is he someone I know?"

 

Heinrich just smiled, as if he couldn't even answer it easily as a simple yes or no. "Someone great actually. It took me a great effort to be accepted here. My grades were bad at first, so I had no choice to study harder than ever. I didn't know this school had a really high standard and requirement at first,"

Marcus laughed. "I never took the entrance exam,"

"Yes, a talented stupid like you should be grateful," I sneered at Marcus. What a show-off. Everything that he talked always provoked me.

Then I looked at Heinrich once more. "So, how great was he to change you like that? Any name?"

He just smiled. "I bet a few names would pop out of your mind now?"

I thought hard. "A great person with great personality too... is it Kevin?"

Heinrich didn't respond at all. So even though I mentioned the right person, he wouldn't give me any clue then.

"Name is not really important, I am more curious on why you decided to follow him like that. What is your goal?"

He looked at me shyly but seriously. "I wanted to support him. I wanted to make sure he get everything he wanted in his life. I wanted to..." he decided not to talk anymore.

"But why? Is he some kind of a role model to you?" I asked him further. That kind of thought really didn't make sense to me.

"He's like Adrien James to me," Marcus mentioned someone that I vaguely remembered his name was written on the alumni wall of honor. I also remembered his name was quite known in basketball world which was not my interest.

"What about you? What is your goal to study here?" Heinrich passed the question to me.

"I don't know yet, I don't have anyone to adore or a role model like you both,"

"What is your dream then?" What is my dream...? 

 

I want everything.

[One Shot] Loneliest Person

Something about him that made me intrigued.

Or something about his eyes that made me unmoved.

Or even something about his presence that made me gone crazy.

I tried to resist myself whenever I was always around him. I tried to be his best friend at all, not more or less. I just wanted to be as normal as others. But when I heard a rumor about him, I could not even try not to think about it.

It was when some of my friends warned me when they saw me getting quite close to him. 

I was about to meet him for a quick lunch before class was starting. They came in group and tried to ask me to join the lunch with them. I instantly rejected them because I had plans earlier. Then they frowned and asked me to keep a distance with him.

"Just you two? Dude, let me suggest you not to hang out too often with him. I heard he's gay and that will affect your image too. I don't know if it's true or not, but just stay away from him, yeah?"

I was angry and about to punch him right away. But still, I kept my sanity and be calm. "Where did you hear about it?"

"From his high school mate, it's quite known so that's why none of them really hang around with him,"

"What's wrong with that? It's not like he likes you though," I unconsciously defended him. It's not fair even for anyone not only him.

"Dude, seriously?" after he gave me a sneer, most of his friends made the same face.

"I don't think that's a valid reason to avoid someone," I raised an eyebrow. I thought after many years, people were more open minded and really didn't worry about it anymore.

We were still living at the same old-fashioned society after all.

They finally gave up to persuade me so they finally left. I hurriedly ran towards him knowing that I was late. He already spared a seat and the lunch when I got there. I sat after patted his shoulder.

"Sorry, did you wait long?"

He shook his head. "Not at all. Here's yours. Quick, we need to go to class early, I haven't finished my task,"

"You can see mine,"

"Of course, that's why I bought you this," he pointed at the fancy tuna sandwich in front of me. It was our favorite, sometimes I wondered when would I get sick of this meal. But perhaps I would never feel that since I was always eating with the person beside me, someone that I would never be sick of.

"Hey, K," I called him as natural as I could be.

"What?" he was usually a sweet person, but when I was late, he always became annoying.

"No drinks for me?" I noticed only 1 water bottle on the table.

"You don't bring yours? Go buy yourself then," he just focused on eating.

I saw the queue and looked away again. The canteen was always crowded during the class break time. That's why Keane always hated when we were late even for a minute. I then grabbed his bottle and took a gulp. He shocked by my action and threw a death stare.

"Now you go or you'll choke," I teased him, but when I expected him to laugh it off, he just looked gloomier than before. I took the initiative to go away before his mad worsened.

I bought him, a lot more than what I drank. I gave him not only a water, but juice, milk, and even coffee. Those were for us.

"It's all yours,"

"You son of a b-, how can I take all of them?"

I giggled. I teased him more. I didn't give him plastic bag and I was sure he did not have one either. There's no way he could put all of them to his bag, even if he could, it would only tear his bag apart or gave him a back-pain.

"Really? Then I will help you take this," I took a bottle and drank it up. "Done, now you do yours," I already finished my sandwich so I had a lot of time to stare at him.

" F- you," he looked totally annoyed, but that made him a lot cuter than ever.

Oh, wait. Did I say he was cute? What was I thinking, really?

I suddenly remembered the rumor and took one more time to observe him. Was it true? If yes, then it meant he already had a boyfriend, right? Or how did they know? Was it when he confessed to a boy then got rejected? How come anyone ever found out about it?

Was it okay if I asked him right away?

Then I called Maria, she was the girl that I recently dated with. I wanted to see his reaction first. I used such a sweet word to her, and promised her to take on a date during weekend. It was actually kind of cringe, let alone having him to listen wholly. He didn't bat an eye, I noticed he really ignored me.

Yeah, he was not that kind of person too whose usually interfered other business, and I wasn't usually comfortable when someone involved in my personal business.

"I had a plan with Maria this weekend, what about you?"

He still munched his meal, what a sloth. "Nothing, why?"

"No date?"

He shook his head.

"Hangout with friends?"

He shook his head again. "I think I'm not in the mood. Why are you asking?"

"Then you can help me to arrange for my date!" I booked him for friday night. He just rolled his eye, so I assumed as an okay.

I decided to get closer to him whenever I could. I tried to search for a hint whether the rumor was true or not. It's not because I was disturbed if it turned out that he was gay, all I wanted to know was what kind of person he liked.

It would be very nice if he really liked a guy, though. I felt a sigh of relief only by the thought of that. If it's another thing called happiness, shouldn't I reach it more?

[One Shot] Longing for You

I nervously went to the room. It was exactly the same venue as mentioned in the invitation.

And here I was. The big sign showed this would be the C High School '97 Class Reunion. I was coming too early, there were only just a bunch of staffs from the hotel who were running their errands. I decided to go out and looked for anyone I could recognize. But none of them I barely knew so I just went out for a smoke. I went to another building rooftop, quite far away from the hotel just in case to avoid people.

I texted any old friend that I still got contacted with, they were all still on the way.

Oh well, it seemed I was the only one who's being too eager to attend this kind of event.

As much as I smoked, I felt my chest so stuffed. My mind was getting messier when I looked at the time. In any minute, any hour or any time, it would finally happen anyway.

What would she wear, what would she look like now, 

I knew exactly how my mind was so filled with a lot of imagination. Of her. Of Edith. My first crush I had on high school. A lovely girl with a warm smile and sweet dimples. Whenever I thought of her, I could feel again a burning passion of my younger self.

It had been 25 years yet I still could remember anything, especially how I secretly had a crush on her.

I thought I could forget her easily. I thought it was just a puppy love that I could simply let go of. But even after all these years, whenever I thought of her and our silly time, I realized I lived longing for such memories to reoccur.

After finishing half pack, I decided it was time for me to appear to the event. Being late for half an hour would make my friends think I was quite reluctant to join the reunion. I made sure they already came so that I would be in the crowd.

I greeted them one by one, looked to their well-suited appearance. Everyone had lived their best lives too, I supposed. And I knew exactly their aims to attend this event. To compare our achievement with each other. Even though I hated such idea, I didn't mind as long as I had achieved my goal to be here.

To meet Edith and have a view of her well-being.

I excused myself first to get a drink. In fact, I was looking everywhere to see her presence. I looked at many faces and didn't get to find anyone who had familiar face. I made sure she confirmed herself to attend the reunion, but where was she?

Perhaps she was late. Or perhaps she just went somewhere, but I would not leave this place before I met her.

When I joined back to my friends, one of them, Eric suggested something that's brilliant. He asked if it's okay if we gathered with the girls from our class. Everyone okayed and it's been decided while I didn't give my opinion yet. It's a very great idea in fact, it's the best thing that ever came from her mouth. He was the clown of the class, he was friendly to anyone too but typically, the kind of him was suck at studying. All he did was joking around during school.

Before we could meet with everyone, the MC had informed us to take our seats because the main event was about to start. Eric told us to secure our places first and for the girls too then he was gone to search them. We were all agreed and scattered ourselves to reserve for about thirty-something spots.

I anxiously sat and looked for a sight of someone.

In anytime, I would get a chance to meet her. 

What would I do if I really saw her today? Should I greet her properly? Or should I talk to her casually, like the way we did before? Should I give her a smile first or a greet first? What kind of topic I should bring out first? About her job? her families? her hobbies?

The more I was drowned by my own thoughts, the nervousness was getting at its peak. I hoped I didn't mess our meeting after all, not with my awkward self.

And there they were, the girls from our class. I could see them walking and take their own seats. And absolutely, I saw her also among the girls.

She was... as beautiful as I remembered. Perhaps it's from my subjective view no matter how she became, I would still think her a beauty.

One thing for sure, she reminded me of how much we aged. She was no longer young, but so was I. She looked mature and elegant in her own way. She might a bit clumsy but her friendliness radiated from the way she greeted everyone, including me.

She asked me, how are you.

She sat quite close to me, it's two seats away in front of me. That's the best seat I should be thankful for. Another seat away would make her far from my sight, let alone talking.

"Good," I knew she couldn't hear me well from here.

Because our distance was not good to start a conversation, I could only take a glance as long as I could. I noticed how attentive she was during our group talk. She listened to everyone and took a turn to join the talk.

[One Shot] What if I Really Like You

Everyone said I was so blessed for having him in my life. But did I really feel the same?

 "What's your relationship with him?"

Relationship? Let's see. There were many terms we could opt. But I personally felt we didn't really fit to any of existing term thus I could only gave her a smile first.

"For now, I want to keep it this way," after a long pause, I decided to explain. Honestly, I didn't know as well.

"Don't you like him?"

"As a friend? Absolutely. As a big brother? Undoubtedly," she waited for my next word and I just stopped right there.

"What if one day he tell you that he likes you?"

"Did he ever tell you that?" I looked at her. She was keeping her expression good enough. I couldn't tell at all, or perhaps I didn't want to expect anything either.

"What do you want me to answer it?"

"I don't want to know," I looked cool on the outside, but actually I was shivered enough until my hands were shaken.

No way. "Anyway, he won't have a nerve to say that. He's waiting for me,"

"Waiting you to ask first?"

"Maybe," I tried to be confident though I was not really sure. But let me put a faith first. "All that I know, we don't want to change anything between us for now,"

"If anyone ask him what are you to him, what do you want him to reply?"

I grinned. "He knew what to reply already,"

She then looked at Louis, who was queuing to order the food instead of us. "I asked him once, a long time ago," Edith and me had a job to secure our seat since the cafe was so full and crowded. I would bring the food once they're ready.

"And what did he say?"

"Same thing," she smirked. This girl really knew how to made some nerves.

"If we're really in a relationship and getting committed, what if one day we have a change of heart and then lose each other?"

I finally told her my utmost fear.

"You may think I am not your best person to discuss about this issue, but you remind me of a quote, what is meant for you will come to you,"

"And that's exactly why I want to keep it like now instead. If he was meant for me, he will never go anywhere else,"

"Well, that's not wrong either, but what if someone snatches him away from you? Are you really okay with that? You can't really forbid him since you're no other than just friend. Anyway, considering your dark past with women, I'm not sure if he would stay any longer,"

I also asked the same too. Did he even think that I had a feeling with him? Even if I told him now, would he believe me?

Another fear that I had was adding up. He knew exactly that I only dated women in the past. I never showed my interest with men, well, I wasn't even sure yet. But one thing for sure, I don't want to lose him. Not now, not even in the future.

When Louis came to our seats, he threw the receipt on the table, giggled. Edith surely asked what made him looked like that.

"The cashier guy was just called me mon cherie, thinking that I was French," he smiled widely, looking satisfied.

"You're that happy when people think you have a French face?"

"I never heard anyone complimented me like that, but he called me that because of how I pronounce myself like a French, not because of the face though," his face was darken. 

I was more than annoyed when I saw the cashier was stealing glance towards him. I wanted to stare back at him but I didn't want Louis to realize it. He was indeed cute and irresistible, but he was mine to begin with.

He was mine. But on what ground?

How to tell anyone to not touch him or even take a second glance at him?

 "Anyway, what did you say about your plan next week?" I just changed topic right away.

He was always pumped up to talk about his holiday. "It's another beach party, there's a place that Olin recommended and she takes care of everything already,"

But next week was his birthday.

"You don't really have to come, we can meet up later," Louis knew that I hated party and beach. Beach party was never my thing. But once again, it was his birthday.

"I had other arrangement on that day, but I will join you later,"

"Really?" His puppy eyes were sparkling.

I nodded. "But I can't stay long,"

"That's fine," he shook his head and still cutely smiled.

I patted his head. Every time I patted, it was gentle and affectionate. I made sure that he knew how much I treasured him. Like even if he did everything I hated the most, I didn't care at all.

As long as it's you. Right, as long as it's still you.

That cashier was still looking at us when I glanced at him. I caught his eyes and he just turned away quickly.

We sent Edith home first then I drove to Louis place after that. He turned on the radio and the songs played were all about love. It's Saturday night though. Even the talk session was about love counseling session with the listeners. Louis was listening attentively as if he was immersed in such romantic scene. I didn't dare to talk to him just to be ignored.

Even when we arrived at his place, he didn't want to get off from the seat.

The story was about a girl with his crush who befriended with her since high school. They were so close at least until one day the boy had a girlfriend on his campus and she didn't want him to get close with another girl. They started to drift away and she asked whether she made a wrong move from the start. Would things go right if she confessed even it's quite late?

Louis looked at me, but when I looked back at him, I was at loss of words. "What?"

"Aren't you listening too?" He was upset.

"To what? Oh," I knew what he asked, but I didn't have a heart to voice out my thought. "Um..."

"Forget it," he then grumpily got out of the car and walked to his place.

I followed him since it's still early to me to go home so I should hang around more. "You're upset,"

"No, you're just too ignorant,"

"Of what? I was driving," after getting in I pushed myself to the bed. He then went around to change his clothes.

He started to take off his shirt, then his pants, then went to his closet and grabbed a white oversized t-shirt. He then sat next to me while I couldn't take my eyes off of him from the very start. He had a petite body and a slender figure. With just one push I could top him easily, didn't he know that already?

If he did, why would he even dare to be topless and sitting this close to me on his bed too?

"Okay just tell me, what is it then?" I begged him to stop, stop teasing me like this.

Unintentionally, I leaned myself closer to him until I could sense his nice smell. He liked fruity perfume on his clothes and today it's citrus. I bet it's his favorite after all.

He finally wore his t-shirt but it still exposed his collarbone since the size was too oversized to him. I could not look away from this kind of view. My hands were slowly reaching him. I already tried hard not to top him at this position actually.

I even could feel my breath was getting harder than usual. My heart was pounding hard. I could only hope he didn't notice it.

"I don't have the mood to talk it again. Just forget it,"

"No, no. Tell me," I must be lying if my eyes were not trying to expose his neck and his beautiful line of veins. What would happen if I grip his neck only to get closer to my lips so that I could taste his scent more?

My hands were finally losing senses and reaching his arms. Both of them. In just an instant, I pushed his body and I topped him. He was now below me, looking too pitiful and helpless. If I wanted, I could do whatever to him. And I wanted to taste every part of his body scent now.

"I insist," I tried hard to look only at his eyes only while those lips of him was looking plump and inviting me to devour wholly. I didn't notice at first he was using a lip balm to make those lips pink and... tempting. Was he initially tempting me?

He tried to get away from this awkward position, but still, I was stronger and bigger than him. He was a just a small deer for this old and hungry tiger. When he realized there's no way to get away from this, he just sighed.

"There's a girl, she has a crush on his old friend, and his new girlfriend ask him to stop meeting her. She then asks whether to confess or not,"

"Why didn't she confess at first?"

"Maybe she's afraid of losing his friend,"

"But finally she lost him too,"

"That's why she asks, is it still necessary to confess or not,"

"Will her confession make things better?"

"What do you think?" He asked me as if he really asked me, my heart and my whole person.

"What do YOU think?" I asked back to him.

"If I were her, I won't tell a soul,"

"Why?"

"If the boy had feelings for her, he would never have a girlfriend. Confessing won't make him come back to her. The world had given her the biggest reason to move on and find new happiness,"

I was staring at him all the time, from this top view. I now realized how much I was craving for this kind of view.

"But he would never know her feelings at the end,"

He nodded. "It's better than being rejected by your beloved, at least to me,"

"Is it?" I was wondering, was he really looking for a sign from me? From the very start until now, did he not realize my feelings yet?

What should I do to make him finally tell me, that he likes me?

This old tiger, after getting weaker by the scent of his prey, felt that his arms were no longer holding a strength. In no time he would let the gravity pull his whole body pressed to the prey. If that happened, the old tiger could not also hold his desire to devour this little deer.

Or, did he just try to flirt with me, since he undressed himself in front of me to even wearing this kind of shirt that was revealing-not revealing his body line?

Did I fall for his trap already?

Was he the tiger and I was nothing more than the little deer to him instead?

I finally threw myself off of him, lying next to him. Feeling weak and helpless, just like I thought the prey would be. It turned out that I was the prey, and I almost fell to his trap.

"Let me sleep here for tonight, I'm too tired to go home,"

"Get off your nasty socks first," he kicked my butt.

I reached my feet and threw them right to his face. "You like it,"

"I don't, I hate,"

"Hate me?"

"Yes, you too," he must be lying.

"I like it when you hate me, hate me more then,"

Even when I was feeling weak and defenseless, I could not set my eyes off of him. It's like my whole view was reserved for this person.

"Would love to," he smirked like a little devil, and that's the last thing I saw for tonight.

[Continuous] Ceaseless Flame Part 2

This can't be.... She's leaving again??

Aku duduk terdiam di dalam mobil. Berkali-kali aku meneleponnya, tidak ada yang mengangkat. Aku sangat tahu kalau dia sengaja melakukannya.

Sebenarnya apa yang ayahku bicarakan dengan Ellin sampai membuatnya terus-terusan seperti ini?

"Are you happy now?"

William Maier, ayahku, dia menjawab panggilanku tidak lebih setelah 3 dering. Si orang sibuk ini seperti sudah menanti panggilan dariku.

"Is this about that woman?"

"What did you say to her? I clearly warned you not to lay a finger on her!"

"I didn't. We just talked. She's leaving, isn't she? Well, it is her own decision then," nadanya sangat tenang namun aku mendengar sebuah arogansi dan kepuasan dari cara bicaranya. Sesuatu pasti terjadi!

"No,  you threatened her. What was it?"

"Just confirmed some trivial things. Rather than talking about her, why don't you come here to attend the meeting?" 

F*ck him. Di situasi seperti ini siapa yang bernafsu untuk memikirkan masalah perusahaan?

"Father..." Aku tidak bisa menahan betapa geramnya diriku saat ini.

"I always obey you all the time. But for this time, after you rob my freedom all the time, can't you let me live my own life? When will you stop torturing me like this?"

Rasanya selama puluhan tahun hidup, nafasku digenggam kencang olehnya. Apakah aku mengharapkan kalau dia segera pergi dari dunia ini? Tentu saja berkali-kali namun si tua ini seperti diberkati oleh umur panjang. Berkali-kali lolos dari berbagai penyakit dan kecelakaan, seakan mampu melangkahi kematian.

"It doesn't matter anymore what you do, she's still leaving,"

Sesuatu di dalam diriku ingin meledakkan diri dan melempar pukulan ke arahnya. Beruntung jarak kami berjauhan. Dan aku teringat bagaimana aku harus mempertahankan apa yang kupunya dan menjadi yang lebih hebat lagi dari sebelumnya.

"I'll come to office,"

William, dari kejauhan sini, aku bisa merasakan kepuasan dari nada bicaranya, "Good,"

Setelah menutup telepon, aku melihat tidak ada balasan dari Ellin sama sekali. Meneleponnya pun sia-sia. Dia memblokir nomorku. 

Sekitar 3 jam kemudian aku kembali ke kantor. William adalah orang pertama yang kudatangi sebelum ruang kerjaku. Dia sedang bersama sekretarisnya dan langsung menghentikan diskusi saat melihatku masuk.

"We can ask Zachary for help,"  ucapku sambil duduk.

"Really? How so?"

"Sell the Maier logistics, he is interested for buying it,"

Wajah William mulai serius. Dia tidak pernah berpikir sebelumnya, bukan? Maier butuh dana serius, menjual perusahaan lama yang sudah tidak terlalu menguntungkan adalah opsi yang baik.

Zachary adalah sahabat lamaku, salah satu pengusaha yang sangat andal. Kemampuan manajerialnya tidak perlu diragukan dan lagipula, dia sudah berkali-kali menunjukkan keseriusannya untuk membeli perusahaan distribusi Maier.

"That logistic company is burning a large amount of operational cost with only small return. They need a major breakthrough also. It is time to let go. Let us be the sole investor of this mega project,"

"Okay, but you still have to resolve with Dana,"

Aku memperhatikan sekretarisnya yang masih berdiri di samping William setiap saat. Walaupun matanya tidak menatapku, aku yakin dia menyimak pembicaraan kami.

"Will you please get out first?" tanyaku, kepada Ben, sekretaris William.

Dia setuju dan hendak pergi, sebelum akhirnya William menolak dan menahan keberadaannya.

"It's not like you treated your marriage life as a personal matter. You can stay," ujar William kepada Ben.

Di sisi lain, dia hanya ingin menunjukkan bahwa otoritasnya di perusahaan ini tidak pernah bergeming dan semua bertindak atas perintahnya.

Aku tidak percaya dia masih membahas ini. "It's already over, why should I do that?"

"His father is an old friend of mine. Moreover, we still need to join forces with Osborn's,"

"I already signed the divorce paper, my mind is absolute," balasku. "Father, as long as I manage this well, why should we still rely on the Osborn's? Are we that powerless in your perception?"

Dia hanya diam dan bersandar. Sesuatu jelas ditutupi olehnya. 

"Do you want to know what was that girl telling me?"

Jantungku berdegup saat mendengar nama Ellin dari mulutnya. Namun tentu saja aku tidak akan menunjukkan kegugupanku. Dengan tenang aku meliriknya dan menunggu.

"She wanted you just because of your wealth and your looks, she is that one leech without any remarkable beauty. You can find any woman like her everywhere,"

Aku tersenyum mendengarnya. William tidak menyangka akan reaksiku, "She pretty well told the same to me also,"

"Then she's not worthy at all, you will not reap any benefit from her,"

"Even if I was sucked dry by her, no matter what kind of leech she is, as long as I have everything what she wants, then it is fine,"

Tentu saja William geram, mungkin dia berpikir bagaimana bisa anaknya bisa sebodoh ini untuk urusan perempuan. Tetapi akupun tidak berniat untuk mengubah persepsinya terhadap Ellin. Di usia yang hampir menjelang setengah abad, mengapa aku masih memerlukan persetujuan pria tua ini?

"If you still insist, then let's see if she still wants you if you are no longer Maier's heir,"

Aku masih tersenyum dan menutupi reaksiku. "Very well, let's see if you have any better option than I suggest,"

William tersenyum getir. Mungkin dia masih merasa dirinya pebisnis handal, masih memiliki semangat menggebu untuk menopang ambisinya yang luar biasa dan menyokong ego besarnya. Tetapi kondisinya sekarang ini tentu saja sulit untuk tidak berpihak kepadaku. Dia tidak memiliki orang yang bisa dipercaya selain aku. Dia tentu saja membutuhkanku.

Dia tertawa, yang berarti dia mengakui kekalahannya.

"You never once feel defeated, I guessed I taught you well,"

"I only have no fear of losing anymore since I never win against you," aku tersenyum.

Dia mungkin menyadari bahwa selama ini aku selalu membencinya, tetapi di sisi lain, aku sadar bahwa apa yang terjadi kepadaku adalah pembentukannya. Aku tidak pernah takut akan apapun karena aku tahu tidak ada yang lebih menakutkan dibandingkan pria tua ini, this manipulative and cold-blooded evil that is appeared to be my own father. 

"Fine, you're Maier after all," dia tertawa penuh dengan kebanggaan.

*****

[One Shot] Loneliest Day

It was always raining when I met him. But he always went on time, despite the traffic and the heavy rain. I waved at him and started ordering food.

He was a man with a tall and slender figure. His eyelashes were so thick and pretty that made his beauty too stand out. I laughed at myself at first when I realized that I was attracted by someone’s eye like this, a man’s eye.

He smiled and I could perfectly saw that his face was flawless, like a pretty girl. But he was not girly, he moved and acted like a normal guy, I doubted that he was a gay in person.

But since I saw a man who was sitting beside him, I more doubted that he was not really that straight.

It was already our third time of hanging out. I had no many friends to ask for a coffee in a Saturday afternoon, so I found him as a gem that I had to value. It was also very nice to spend time by talking to him, and also staring at such a beauty like him.

“Hi Keane,” I sat next to him and the man that was already beside him.

“Hi, Ty, this is Bryan, I just had some talks with him,”

I glanced at his coffee that was already less than half empty. “Oh? Sorry, did you finish already or should I go somewhere else?” I could see that the man beside Keane was staring at me differently.

“No, we’re just finished but I still have quite a time until my next appointment so I may join you both,” the man answered me instead. “By the way, I’m Bryan Burdough,”

I shook his hand, “Rusty, I am Keane’s desk-mate since middle school,” I introduced myself to him.

Bryan was only nodding and our hands were still shaking. “Nice, so you frequently hangout with Keane here?”

 “No, since we both are coffee enthusiasts, we often seek for a new place to try. This place is the only one that we both approved as the top list in the city. So, since when have you known Keane?”

“Coffee? I also love coffee very much! You can also ask me,” I could sense that this guy was not smiling honestly. He just tried to be friendly to me, or in front of Keane. But I didn’t really like this guy at the first impression.

Still, I tried to be nice since he’s Keane’s acquaintance.

“Sure! So when did you know Keane?” I eagerly wanted to know his answer.

“Same club in universities,” Keane answered instead of him.

“Oh? I see,” I tried to ask at first about their relationship, but I held back. I wondered at how they looked at each other, whether something was between them or I was just hallucinating.

Keane was a beauty but he rarely acted elegantly unlike now. He was responding to the man next to him with a caring eye and I just silently observed their interaction.

This was the first moment that I sensed Keane might not be a straight person. But I also sensed that the guy beside him had a feeling to him also. Or maybe I sensed they both had something between them.

“I just remembered something,” I tried to remind them that I was also here. “Did you happen to know someone who was breaking his heart previously?”

I saw that Keane looked at me furiously when Bryan looked intrigued.

“Breaking his heart… When was it?” Bryan responded me.

“I thought it was 2 or 3 years ago, he suddenly contacted me and his other old friends to hangout with him. I was his desk-mate before so I knew what was he like. He rarely contacted me unless something was up. He spent his time mostly drinking at a bar and getting drunk. Then one day when I sent him home, he cried and talked a lot of things. He told me that he liked someone so much and got rejected. I didn’t understand the rest since he was so wasted,”

Bryan paid attention to each of my talking.

“Well, I didn’t know about this before, and I have no clue who would be also,”

I wanted to assume that Bryan was the one. Then I could see he was wearing a wedding ring on his finger. I actually startled knowing that fact.

“Are you married?” I pointed at the ring.

“Oh? Yes,” but when the ring was the focus, he chose to hide it instead. Something must be bothering him to explain more about his wedding.

Bryan wore a polo shirt and it was unbuttoned around his neck. I saw a necklace he was wearing. I thought I ever saw it before, but I forgot where.

He seemed to have a loving marriage life, I assumed. 

“Kids?” I asked again, and he nodded also.

Well, now I doubted something was between them. Bryan looked like a good husband. Maybe Keane was indeed liking him and the heartbreak was related to his marriage.

But then, Bryan must be lying to have no clue about the confession and rejection. Maybe he just wanted our conversation not to go awkwardly so he lied.

Still, I despised him to reject such a lovely person as Keane.

Time had passed and suddenly Bryan told us that he’s leaving. It was just me and Keane then. We were talking and sharing thought as usual. But something was bothering Keane.

“I didn’t remember you bringing me home,”

“Ah? I left you right in front of the door,” What a liar. I spent most of the night staring at him, hoping that I could bear the pain from him.

I still remembered he was crying in his sleep. He bent over and wrapped himself in his blanket. I lied in his bed beside him until the sunrise. I managed to sneak out before he woke up.

He felt embarrassed, his cheeks were red. “Did I say something?”

“You talked a lot,” I laughed at him. “You wailed at your beloved like a puppy but don’t worry, you were always silent at bar,”

I bet he was a little bit of relieved to know that. Since I was the closest to him, maybe that was the reason he was taking it all out once we’re alone.

“God, that’s embarrassing,”

I was hesitated to ask him, “So, is that him? The one who rejected you?”

He was shocked to hear my question. “Sort of,” what a vague answer.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t know, it’s complicated to say that,”

“I don’t get it,”

“You don’t have to,” he sipped his last coffee.

“Well, can I ask what is your relationship with him?”

He stared at me, maybe he was wondering about how to tell me at first. “That’s the most complicated part,”

I couldn’t help but started to judge him by the eyes. “You HAVE a relationship with him? With a married man, I mean, someone's father?”

He tried to calm me, but I wished I could too. “Hey, want to come to my place? I can make better coffee,”

“Why? You can’t talk about that in an open space like here?”

He nodded and just dragged me to walk along with him. I couldn’t help but to agree. The way we walked was different than the last time I took him home.

Oh, wow. He moved to a better place. I didn’t know he had more money now.

“It’s his place,” he opened the door and said that when I looked around in awe.

“That guy place? Then why are you living here?”

“Hey, don’t judge me, this place is near to everywhere, it has a great view, great space, it’s nice,”

“So you’re sort of his mistress, huh?” I couldn’t wait to google the man. Was he an influential person or how rich was he actually?

“Kind of,” he drank a glass of water then straight to the kitchen. “Still want a coffee?”

“Well, you claimed you make better coffee, so I need to approve it first,”

I sat at the bar stool in front of him but chose to wander around. There was no single photo displayed. The place was neat and full of citrus smell. It’s fresh yet calming, I liked citrus.

“So he usually came here?”

“Yeah,”

“This whole place is still under him or he deliberately gave all to you?”

I could see from afar his smirk. “Officially mine,”

Wow, what a rich-y dick.

“Since when did you two…” Had an affair? But I couldn’t say it loudly.

“Oh, it’s long ago before he was married,”

“You knew it yet you still with him?”

He nodded and smiled bitterly, “He would file for divorce soon,”

[One Shot] The Wonderful Concept of Soulmates

How could I even describe him?

He is not my lover,

Yet he is more than anyone I would care about.

He is not my brother,

Yet our connection are thicker than blood.

He is not just my best friend,

Yet he is the person I want to spend my whole life with the most.

All I know, we are as if one soul and whenever I am with him, I never felt safer than anywhere.

A hand was grabbing the man's hand. He was way older than him and even more experienced, but he got nervous easily. The other man just smiled with a naughty grin,

"You're the best person I ever knew, you'll kill it immediately!"

He was looking at the person who smiled brightly and somehow the happy virus was transmitted to him.

He nodded and the anxiety disappeared in a flash.

But they never let the other hands go. They came up to the stage together. They rocked the stage until the audiences went wild. The hands were holding to each other even until the last bow.

The one who held him, who was younger and taller named Kaz, and the other man named Sho. They hugged and praised to each other endlessly. The energy was too bright and positive. No one really wanted to let them apart when watched the two.

After the performance, Sho had a very high confidence to himself. But Kaz, he realized something was growing. He really admired Sho but even depended on him more than before.

He craved for success, but he must gained it along with Sho, and all that he wanted was how to be success with him too.

Can I never let go of you?

"Don't leave me,"

Kaz was shocked when Sho whispered to him. That was what he yearned to tell him too. How could such a person, with a contrast personality to him, able to complete himself wholly?

"Sho,"

The man whispered back. "You too,"

Both of them, immersed in a crowd of applause, still hugged awkwardly. It took more than a minute to let go of each other when the MC asked them to bow to audience for one last time.

The day after, they met to celebrate their victory. The first project was well executed, all thanks to Sho's unimaginable skill. Kaz took a big part to make the message was delivered. The celebration was mainly to praise both of them.

Kaz was looking at Sho, who was crowded by some groupies and his face was getting dark. Sho was mine only. But then he decided not to think more and joined the group. He quickly replaced the seat next to Sho. He tried to be casually blended in.

Sho smiled wider when he knew Kaz was beside him. He always felt uneasy in a group talk or gathering like this, but Kaz was there to help him, finally. He was more than relieved to see Kaz because the man was a social butterfly. He could rely on him for this kind of ocassion.

It's always like this and without even telling to each other, they both harmonized perfectly. It's amazing when the two realized their existence next to each other was like fated.

Sho tried to hide his relief when Kaz tried to lead the talk but never insisted Sho to join or respond. Sho didn't even hope to be asked and Kaz knew it exactly so he always responded them instead.

It's nice to have Kaz by his side. Sho selfishly thought he would do whatever to make him around. And who would have expected that's also what Kaz always thought too.

As for Kaz, he didn't understand how a social butterfly like him would be obsessed with one person only. Even if he was about to choose between an exciting gathering full of his closest friends with a silent moment with Sho only, it's considered a kind of insult to him actually. There was no place as exciting with no Sho in it. But again, he knew Sho too well. Sho wouldn't want him to miss such a moment as well.

"What are you laughing at?" Someone asked Kaz when he's lost in thought.

"No, I'm just wondering what should we do next?" He stared at Sho and Sho smiled as if he got the answer.

"I am considering to stay," Sho shyly sounded. Kaz liked the idea too much. He just wanted to add another opinion to open the studio but a girl just responded back before he even had a chance.

"There's a world championship event in about a month, I registered you both and I just had the response, you passed the first screening!"

No way! A month is too short!

Kaz was trying to catch a glimpse on Sho. He worried Sho will be overworked again. It happened before and he hated that moment the most. As a perfectionist in nature, Sho always pushed himself to provide the best and he didn't even take care of anything even his health.

"Sho," Kaz was living next to his place so it's natural to walk him home after drinks. It's obvious Sho already put his mind to the event while walking home.

Sho stopped to unlock the door and saw Kaz was standing behind.

"Maybe we should cancel to participate,"

"No, that would be rude," as a good guy in nature, his weakness was to refuse an offer.

"But you should take care of yourself before anything else. Why don't we just settle and open a studio? Isn't it great?"

Sho was amazed at first hearing his offer. Opening his own studio was always his goal. He was hesitating at first to ask Kaz about this since he saw the man's still burning for competition.

"That's great too, but let's promise this to be the last, okay?"

Kaz was greatly worried more. It's true he craved to be the best, but Sho was beyond everything to him. He didn't want to take the risk. Besides, he also dreamed owning a building where he opened a dance studio and a pub at ground floor. He would teach dancing with Sho at noon while also operate a pub at night. Isn't that how people settle down?

While Sho was reminiscing Kaz ever told him that he wanted to be a world class champion. He still remembered his passionate eyes while saying such things. Whatever risk ahead, isn't that worth to die for?

The day after, as if the word of "taking a break" was unknown to him, Sho was seen preparing for the event. Kaz could not bear to look at his beloved. It's so heartbreaking to see how thin he was already. But he knew Sho better, no one could stop him from now on. All Kaz could do was doing his part better.

Papa Kaz, during the preparation everyone would call Kaz this way. He took care of Sho the most, provided everything to support Sho the best. While Sho was pouring all his mind to strategize, Kaz was taking care of Sho's body and routine as a valuable treasure. During these times, Kaz even slept at Sho's to make sure he got a proper life.

Since both were creating such suspicions, a group of staff came over Kaz when he just bought a lunch to them both. It's the same girl who registered them to the event and created the mess. When Kaz was seeing her, he almost coughed up blood but he tried to be calm.

"You're taking care of Sho greatly these days. However... You know... Somehow... You understand, right?"

Kaz frowned. "What?"

The girl didn't know what to say, so she just asked him bluntly, "Why do you have to do such things? They're extremely suspicious of your relationship now. As long as I know you, you're quite distant to such personal matters,"

Kaz just smiled but his aura was so dark. He felt he could kill someone immediately. "I do this simply because I want to, do you have any objection to my doing actually?"

The girl shook her head. "No, but why? What is he to you? Sho is not a baby, he can take care of himself alone,"

That is the most ridiculous statement I ever heard, Kaz thought.

[One Shot] A Wicked Fate

In one of my dreams about you, there was one thing that I liked the most.

It was when you decided to choose me, all over again.

We were separated by fate, being forced to give up on each other, but then again after many exhausting years, I approached you again and you looked into my eyes.

Do you miss me?

You asked me while grinning. I was getting panicked on what to answer you. There's no a single word right enough to explain what I felt all this time.

Too much.

I stupefied by your presence, yet my mind went blank. I could remember all the pain that I had to endure, but once I looked at you again, it all went away. Only good memories left between us in my mind.

Even though I knew you had someone beside you, but you still embraced me. This kind of you, the wicked you, the bad you, I would gladly accept it in my arms.

But that's the worst part. You were never that bad which made me realized that it was just a dream. You already had a lover, that's a fact. And this half-like reality was the kind of dreams that I hoped to become true. I was too afraid to open my eyes to end this dream.

Was it wrong to fancy you like this?

I still remembered the days of our best times. I was too madly in love with you at that time. You were seeing me as another rebellious teen, but you always took care of me. You were hesitant to accept my confession at first. I understood why. 

You were worried if you wasted my youth for an elder like you. I never thought the 10 years age gap was a matter. After all, I was more matured than you. You were happened to born earlier than me but it's still a great blessing that we met each other. So age gap was not acceptable reason to reject me.

And to think that I would waste my youth with you was another nonsensical reason. But again, it must be tough times for you being chased by me back then. I was too persistent and did not accept to your rejection many times. Oddly enough, I was acting immature whenever I was around you.

You gave up eventually and agreed to make me your lover. That was the happiest time of my life. I knew your caring and attention to me was love too, and it was the only matter of time to acknowledge it. And I had to say, being your lover maybe the purpose of my life.

You were a sanctuary and I was your worshiper. I was devoted to you ever since we first met, and you could see how passionate I was at that time. My feelings for you grew bigger over time without a sign of weakened.

[Monologue] Looking at You

I once walked along the edge of a rocky beach. I was in a barefoot and I thought it was too dumb to do that. But the next day, I found myself walking in the same path at the same condition. I was still in barefoot, when the sharp of the rock surfaces hit me in each of my step.

Sometimes a pile of sand hid the rock too well so when I stepped on it, I thought nothing would happen. But I was wrong, and I did walk on it again, and again. I walked in the same path everyday.

I thought to myself on how dumb I was to repeat such mistakes.

But every time I stopped at the end of path, I smiled. I knew why I did this, what kind of thing I looked forward to.

I once assumed that beyond every pain you went through, there would be a satisfying reward you would gain. And here was my reward, right in front of me, at the end of path.

You.

How you worried about the blister in my foot, your nitpicking, and your endless whine. I found it as a satisfying action that showed how much you cared of me.

And a simple word as a 'I won't do that again' from my mouth would always triggered you to another whining.

I was hurt each time and you were always there. How was that kind of things being my own purpose to live on everyday?

Should I tell you that I already liked you?

If you asked me why, then I would say that I don't know. I just simply liked when you cared to me. I liked being the only focus in your universe. I might be selfish, but I selfishly wanted only you.

I only remembered all the good things between us. It was too weird, I was intoxicated by you.

And yet, on the next day, when I repeated such mistakes, you didn't even ignore me, you were always there for me, at the end of the road.

Was it supposed to be this hard, the path that I must go through only to be with you? Why weren't you stopped me and hugged me instead whenever I tried to walk on that path again?

Was it actually because you were enjoying how much pain that I had only to meet you there?

Were you secretly looking at a far all of my sufferings, and waiting at the end only to be the saint?

Then, I looked at you once again after feeling numb at my feet. A hint of smile in your face when you looked at me, I saw it clearly.

[One Shot] When the World is Against You, I Won't

It was already a lifetime I followed and observed her.

A woman with a hint of bitter smile in her resting face, an owner of eagle-eyed stare and a hunched posture due to her anxiety.

A woman with a troubled mind with nothing clear in her head. The most impulsive person you would meet and an awkward person in nature.

She hugged me from the back, telling that I shouldn't go anywhere.

I reached her arms, and whispered, "I will go nowhere,"

She smiled. She already relieved at my words, without knowing whether it's true or not. But in fact, I wouldn't leave her at all.

I promised to myself, and to her, to always beside her, I would embrace her, no matter what. If anyone said that I was already in love with her, I was, perhaps. I loved her as my own self. I loved her unconditionally.

Even if she didn't love herself either, that's okay. I loved her enough so that nothing would worry her. She could do anything she wanted, and I would always support her.

Her wrongdoings or her wrong choices, those are all okay. Because as long as I believed her, I knew she could correct them all. No matter how long it would take, she would eventually find a way.

After that, she walked away towards a door. I could see her proud and confidence were rising up. I followed her each step, and stood behind her.

"Come in," a man with a black suit was calling to her.

She walked to the place that he pointed.

"Please be seated," said that man, so she did what he said.

After a moment to relax and find a comfort position, she sat straight, and looked at the man with a clear smile.

"Now please explain to us what happened,"

[One Shot] Loneliest Hours

An overwhelmed feeling.

I tried to enjoy the day. Even though the very first time that I want was to talk, but I chose not to. I didn't know to whom I should talk to, and what to talk to.

I like him.

Behind the event happened today, I just wanted to tell him that I like him. But on the other side I realized that this feeling is too one-sided

But I hate him.

Because to end this feeling, by any means, it would be too risky. Every option that I had would only make one of sides disappointed. And I didn't know what to sacrifice. 

Maybe I should really abandon this feeling.

Although every time I closed my eyes and hoped someone to call, he was the one that I hope for. Or every time I sat alone in a table for two, his shadow was the one that cross my mind.

He came in an unexpected time, and like everyone knows, whoever comes will go sooner or later. But for this time, this person, I knew it early when he was going to go. But still, when the day came I was not ready to overcome it.

And I also hate myself.

Knowing the one thing I want the most was to meet him again, I was hating myself more and more. But still, I reached to him and quickly ran to him.

"I am moving out in two weeks, thank you, for everything,"

That voice, that stare. Those kind of words were finally coming out. A word of separation.

"Okay, good luck then, thank you for everything too,"

I tried to calm myself. To let this feeling away for just a moment. Even though today I was prepared to confess, I couldn't do it at the end.

Every mixed feelings that I had in early morning has nothing left. I like you. That 3 words always got stuck inside, and I knew if it's not now, there will be no time anymore.

But still, I was spacing out, figuring out what to do. Should I cherish the time I had left with him as a friend only, or should I risk our relationship that may end up in an instant, which means losing him earlier than it would be.

I knew it well you only see me as nothing but a dear friend. That was also the biggest mistake of mine to set no boundary from the start. Oh, I was such a whiner, maybe being just friends were my only best option. 

"Take care of yourself,"

His eyes. Your eyes. That kind of eyes that was warmly staring at me. Argh... I was going crazy. I couldn't lose him now, and forever.

But then, who am I to stop him? If I said that I liked him, he wouldn't gladly tell me that he loves me too. What a dreamer. I watched too many romantic movies already.

"Ah!!"

I randomly screamed when I started to realize that he is going away from my sight.

"I mean... I..."

What a coward. I stuttered, even I could hear my shortened breath. My heart was pounding hard. I must find courage!

"I can't live without you,"

Is it bad? Did my choice of words are okay?

He looked at me again, smiling. "What do you mean? You're not a toddler, you'll be fine on your own,"

"What am I to you?" I finally asked. Yes, you coward whiner! Go on!

He stared at me, looking confused.

"To me, you're not only a best friend, I mean, I really can't live without you, even I can't see myself living if you're not around"

He still straightly stares at me, slowly approaches me.

"No, don't..."

"You're not going anywhere, you must stay here with me,"

He gently patted my head. "So the rumor is true? Is it true that you..."

 

[One Shot] A Piece of Petal from the Withered Flower

Spring has come.

Aku berjalan dengan payung hitam yang kubawa dari rumah. Hujan deras sekali dan berangin. Benar-benar pagi yang buruk untuk memulai hari baru.

My spring has come.

Seseorang berjalan di depanku menghiraukan air hujan yang terus membasahi seragamnya. Dia memeluk diri sendiri karena kedinginan. Kepalanya tertunduk karena air dan angin menghalangi pandangannya.

Now I wonder, how about your spring?

"Bad day, huh?" Aku berbagi payungku dengannya, gadis itu. Dia memandangiku. Wajah yang sama sekali tidak kukenal. Hanya seragamnya yang bisa kuketahui. Setidaknya aku tahu tujuan kami pasti sama.

Dia tersenyum lirih. Aku yakin dia berkata terima kasih namun suaranya terhalang oleh derasnya hujan dan deruman mobil di jalanan.

Bulan ini sudah memasuki musim semi, namun mengapa hujan deras merusak musim yang indah ini?

Aku dan gadis itu berpisah di sebuah koridor. Baju gadis itu sudah terlanjur basah. Tasnya juga tidak tahan air dan aku yakin seluruh isinya kebasahan.

"Hei," panggilku saat dia baru beberapa langkah pergi. "Pakai ini," aku melempar baju olahragaku. Hari ini hujan deras, tidak mungkin di pelajaran olahraga nanti aku masih harus bersalin. "Kalau kau sudah selesai pakai, tidak usah dicuci, kembalikan saja ke kelas 11-2,"

"Ah, namaku Karl, kalau kau mau tahu," ucapku sambil pergi meninggalkannya lebih dahulu. 

Esok hari, gadis itu berdiri di depan pintu kelasku dan menyerahkan seragam olahragaku. Tentu saja dia sudah mencucinya walaupun aku berkata tidak usah. Wangi deterjen dan pewanginya melekat di seragamku. Aku berterima kasih sudah mengembalikan milikku.

"Hei," aku memanggilnya yang melangkah pergi. "Kau belum memberitahu nama dan kelasmu," ucapku. Bukannya aku sangat memaksa, namun aneh saja kalau nanti kami bertemu dan tidak tahu namanya.

Dia hanya tersenyum dan tidak berkata apa-apa. Aku hanya berpikir mungkin ini akan menjadi kali terakhir kami bertemu sehingga dia tidak merasa perlu memberitahu namanya.

And that's how I finally met my own spring...

******

Senyumanku merekah lebar.

Aku bertemu dengannya lagi di sebuah halte bus. Karena harus mengerjakan beberapa persiapan untuk acara tahunan, aku sengaja berangkat pagi dari biasanya. Rupanya gadis itu juga menaiki bus yang sama sepertiku.

Pagi itu, aku merasa matahari sudah terbit dengan cerahnya meski langit begitu gelap.

Dia melihatku di balik kerumunan orang yang menunggu. Mungkin dia menyadari sedang diperhatikan. Saat mata kami bertemu, dia hanya tersenyum sebentar. Setelah itu, dia menundukkan kepalanya sedikit dan kembali fokus ke jalanan.

Aku tidak tahu apa yang harus kulakukan. Selang beberapa menit, bus kami datang. Aku duduk di paling belakang sedangkan dia berada di depan. Meski tahu bahwa ada aku, dia tidak berusaha menyapa sama sekali.

Kami turun di halte yang sama dan berjalan ke arah yang sama. Karena masih sangat pagi, jalanan masih begitu sepi. Aku bertanya-tanya apakah dia juga menjadi panitia acara, tetapi kalau iya tidak mungkin aku tidak menyadari keberadaannya selama ini.

Saat sudah memasuki area sekolah, aku ingin sekali mencari tahu letak kelasnya. Namun hanya ada kami berdua dan dia berjalan ke arah yang berbeda dengan kelasku, sehingga aku mengurungkan niat. Aku tidak mau dianggap seperti stalker nantinya.

Tugasku hari ini banyak sekali. Saat waktu istirahat tiba, aku langsung menyambar kantin untuk membeli makan siang dan lanjut ke kelas. Aku cukup terkejut saat melihat ada gadis itu lagi di depan kelasku. Dia sedang berbicara dengan salah satu teman sekelasku. Dari caranya memandang, dia nampak menikmati pembicaraan mereka.

Mengapa dia berada di depan kelasku? Mengapa dia berbicara dengan temanku dengan santainya? Apa yang dia lakukan tadi? Mengapa dia nampak tidak terganggu dengan keberadaanku?

Meski aku mencoba menahan diri untuk tidak memperhatikan lebih lama lagi, makan siangku terasa tidak fokus. Berbagai pertanyaan di dalam pikiranku memaksa untuk dijawab. Saat temanku, Walter sudah kembali ke tempatnya, aku masih tidak berani bertanya perihal gadis itu,

"Siapa tadi?" tanya salah satu temannya yang ikut memperhatikan mereka.

Walter hanya tersenyum. Dia tidak berbicara banyak dan hanya mengambil beberapa buku lalu kembali pergi keluar. Sialan, dia meninggalkan sebuah bias. Kini seluruh temannya menganggap kalau gadis itu adalah pacar Walter.

Her hidden smile that she showed was punctured deeply inside me.

One thing for sure,

I still didn't know her name till now.

[One Shot] A Silent Question Wandering Around My Head

Have I ever really loved you before?

I don't know.

Do I even love you now?

This also I don't know.

Aku memperhatikan beberapa orang belakangan ini. Bagaimana mereka menceritakan kenangan-kenangan di perjalanan hidupnya dan tertawa. Setidaknya tersenyum seolah kembali ke masa itu. Dan aku duduk mendengarkan, terkadang mencoba membayangkan apa yang terjadi.

Mereka menceritakan bagaimana pertemuan mereka dengan pasangannya, momen-momen menarik dan lucu.

Aku hanya tertawa sambil menikmati. Untuk tidak memiliki kesempatan bercerita saja sudah bersyukur. Aku tidak tahu harus menceritakan apa kepada mereka semua. Tepatnya, aku takut tidak mampu mengatur ekspresiku saat bercerita.

Apakah aku akan begitu antusias, tertawa, menertawai diri sendiri, tersipu-sipu?

Ataukah ekspresiku tetap kosong dan tidak berbeda, dan mereka mulai mencurigai sesuatu.

Do I have any memory of you that I cherished the most?

"Ya? Tidak... Aku baru saja selesai..."

Aku merapikan bawaanku ke tas sambil menjawab telepon darimu. Tidak lebih dari 3 kali dering, aku menjawab panggilan tersebut. Tetapi untuk menjelaskan apakah aku senang saat melihat namamu di kontak, aku tidak benar-benar bisa mengekspresikannya.

"Hmm. Oke, sampai jumpa,"

Aku mengantongi kembali ponselku dan berjalan menuju tempat yang disepakati. Kita berjanji untuk makan malam di sebuah restoran, dan di saat aku menemukan sosokmu, aku hanya melangkah terus mendekati. Sampai akhirnya aku duduk tepat di hadapanmu.

Disini, hanya kamu yang sangat bersemangat malam ini. Aku berkali-kali menahan letih dengan senyuman. Aku terus mendengarkan curhatannya tentang segala hal, lalu merespon seperlunya.

Mungkin karena beban pekerjaanku belakangan ini terlalu berat, sehingga tidak ada tenaga lagi untuk mengurusi hal-hal lainnya. Bahkan untuk sekedar meladenimu.

Ya, mungkin karena itu. Aku hanya ingin pulang dan tidur sampai pagi datang.

"Let's have a party!"

Masa-masa kritis di kantorku sudah lewat. Aku mulai bisa bernapas lega dan beberapa orang bermaksud merayakannya. Aku melirik Helga, yang tadi mengajakku.

"It wil be too loud. I'm not coming,"

Helga berbisik kepadaku, "Let's have a drink somewhere instead,"

Aku menangkap bahwa dia memahami apa yang kupikirkan sekarang dan langsung bersiap untuk pergi.

"Speak, if you don't speak up then I don't know what's on your mind,"

Aku dan Helga duduk di bar stool. Aku menghela napas dalam-dalam.

"Do you think I love Miranda?"

Helga melirikku. Dia kenal Miranda cukup baik. Diantara rekan kerjaku, Helga adalah salah satu yang mengenal kehidupan personalku.

"You doubt your own feeling or what?"

"I just feel lost. I don't know what I feel, is this right, or not,"

Dia tertawa. "You know, I admit I never love my husband. I also don't understand what is love, how is that feeling,"

"Yeah, I see some couples care each other dearly, and I wonder whether I can do it or not. I think it's too much a burden to care for Miranda as good as others," balasku.

"But you don't want to let go of her easily,"

Aku mengangguk. "To breakup with her is actually adding more problem, so I just keep her stay,"

"What a bastard you are," Helga cekikikan sambil meneguk minumannya. "But you actually took care of her enough, in my eyes,"

Aku melirik Helga dan menunggu penjelasannya.

"You never have to love her to care for her, as long as she is happy and she accepts you. What? Are you seeking for a romance now?"

"No, it's just that... I am confused. Isn't it unfair for her not to be loved as she deserves?"

Helga mengangguk keras. "That's why I call you a such a bastard. But since I've been in your position, maybe I can relate,"

Salah satu alasan aku menerima ajakan Helga adalah karena aku tahu bagaimana kehidupan rumah tangganya. Helga tidak pernah mencintai suaminya. Dia setuju menikah karena desakan usia dan sampai sekarang hubungan mereka tidak pernah meningkat lebih baik.

"It's not like you will die for not having a romance in your life, right? For me, I don't need to love my husband to live together with him. Just think of him as a roommate, or a friend to spend some lonely time, it's more than enough,"

"But what if I have a feeling of remorse to her?"

"For lying to her? For still choosing her even though you never love her? What are you implying to?"

"I don't know. I do regret to keep her around, to ignore every chance to get rid of her and stay like this for years. I just hate myself more and more every time I see her,"

"You don't want to be with her anymore?"

Aku mengangkat bahu. "I don't know either. I feel numb in my mind. Maybe it is because I know exactly what I want but I cannot achieve it,"

"What is it?"

"To live independently alone. I don't want Miranda or anyone to disturb me,"

Helga menepuk pundakku. "You are really good at knowing whom to talk to. That was what I actually yearned for, and here is a little bit advice, my dear friend. We live in a society that is not allowing us to do actually what we want. I didn't know if I am happy enough or feeling content in this kind of life. But, living together without love since I never seek any of that experience either is not a bad thing. And you don't have to be open with your feeling, just give them what they want, and it is enough,"

"Helga," aku memperhatikannya. "Did you tell him you love him?"

"I did, why? Of course it's a lie,"

Aku menggeleng. She was such a person. "No, you're very cool though,"

...
..
.
..
...

Miranda,

If one day you find out the truth, is this still okay?

If all of my dearly act is only half-heartedly, is it also still okay?
 

Till death do us part.

Pada saat aku masih bingung dengan semua pertanyaan di pikiranku, ucapan tersebut keluar dari mulutku.


*****

P.S.
What will you do if someone that you think loves you, is actually lying to you?
What will you do when you think that you are showered with love, but in truth you're not?
 

[Continuous] Ceaseless Flame Part 1

"Well I was afraid, once," jawab seseorang di hadapanku, sambil menggenggam gelas di tangan kanannya.

Aku memperhatikan orang ini, apakah masih sadar atau tidak. Matanya sudah tidak fokus, namun gerakannya tetap tegas. Someone like him, to be afraid and admit it? Am I hallucinating?

"A thought just came to my mind, and I suddenly was afraid imagining you wouldn't come back," ucapnya, sambil menatapku, dalam-dalam.

Aku memilih mengarahkan mataku ke kanan dan kiri, mencari topik lain untuk dibahas.

"I was wondering, even after waiting for 20 years, what if I still couldn't find you,"

"Well, but I am here now," jawabku, tersenyum.

Dia mengangguk. "Right. That's the most important. You're here,"

Dia menuangkan gelasnya kembali. Aku sudah tidak menghitung gelas keberapa kali ini. Tetapi postur dan gerakannya masih belum bergeming sama sekali. Kalau saja dia sudah hilang kesadaran, apa yang harus aku lakukan? Membawanya pulang? Bagaimana mungkin?

Saat aku bangkit ke toilet, dia menggenggam tanganku dengan sangat kencang. "I am just going to toilet, it's not like I will leave you again,"

Orang ini, aku yakin dia sudah terlalu mabuk dan hilang kesadaran. Airmata jatuh ke pipinya yang sudah memerah. Hanya tetesan demi tetesan, namun selain matanya, ekspresinya begitu datar yang membuatku kebingungan.

Aku melepas tangannya, dan dia tidak melawan.

Aku baru bisa menghela napasku setelah masuk ke dalam toilet. Sesuatu di dalam diriku, rasanya terbakar dan membuat jantungku berpacu. Aku bisa merasakan tubuhku merinding bukan main.

Untuk bertemu dengan orang itu, setelah sekian lama...

Aku membasuh wajahku dan berharap bahwa kesadaranku kembali.

Di saat aku kembali ke meja, dia sudah menatapku dari kejauhan. Seolah-olah begitu takut aku benar-benar akan menghilang lagi. Aku duduk di depannya dan dia terus-terusan menatap kemanapun aku bergerak.

Aku melambaikan tangan ke arahnya, namun tidak bisa mengenali apakah dia sudah benar-benar mabuk atau setengah sadar.

"You're drunk already, let's go home,"

"Whose home?" tanyanya.

Aku memperhatikannya. "Let me get you a cab," aku menarik tangannya. Yang mengejutkan, dia masih bisa menggunakan tenaganya sendiri untuk berdiri dan berjalan. Hanya saja langkahnya sudah sempoyongan dan tidak bisa berjalan lurus.

Aku berdiri di sebelahnya, menuntun orang ini sampai keluar pintu. Aku meminta seorang pelayan untuk memesankan taxi. Saat sang pelayan menanyakan berapa taxi, dengan cepat seseorang menjawabnya, "One please," tentu saja siapa lagi kalau bukan yang berdiri di sebelahku.

Aku meliriknya, namun terlalu enggan berdebat sehingga aku mengikuti kemauannya.

Kami berdua duduk di bangku pinggir jalan, menunggu taxi datang. Dia, yang entah memang mabuk atau masih sadar, menggenggam sambil memainkan tanganku seperti anak kecil. Seolah dia tidak bisa menahan kesenangannya saat melihatku lagi.

"Don't you feel dissappointed, seeing me like this?" tanyaku.

"Seeing you alive is already a big luck to me. It is just that you are now looking mature and calm, I love it,"

"I am married, now," dia seharusnya sudah tahu ada cincin di jariku sejak dia terus menggenggamnya. Ekspresiku datar, tidak tahu apa yang kurasakan pula sekarang.

Dia tersenyum masih dengan pipinya yang memerah. Aku ingat sejak dahulu dia terlahir dengan kulit putihnya, sehingga saat mabuk seperti ini, warna kemerahan di pipinya terlalu mencolok.

Dia seakan tidak mendengarku dan masih tetap bermain-main dengan tanganku. Sesekali dia menyusupkan jarinya ke jariku, terkadang menggenggam kencang-kencang tanganku dan setelah itu dia menepuk-nepukkan tanganku ke pahanya.

"I said that I am married," aku melepas tanganku yang terus dipegangnya sambil menunjukkan cincin yang kupakai tepat di depan matanya.

"So what?" Balasnya. Dia menatapku tanpa ada ekspresi sama sekali. "You rejected me before. You said you didn't love me and told me to go away. I did what you wanted. But it was only making me suffocated for 20 years. I only want to do what I always want to. Can't I see you even though you're married?"

"You can't," jawabku tegas.

"Can't I cherish you with all my love that I have?"

"You can't," balasku lagi, masih dengan nada tegas. Walaupun, apa yang kurasakan berbanding terbalik dengan apa yang kutunjukkan.

"Can't we meet each other, even just as friends?"

Aku meliriknya. Friends do not fall in love with each other.

"You can't. Moreover, I will be back in 2 weeks,"

"Where to?"

Aku meliriknya lagi. Matanya setengah terpejam setengah terbangun. Lagipula aku tidak menyangka setelah 2 minggu kembali ke tempat asalku, aku bertemu dengan orang ini.

"A small city," jawabku.

"Where?" Dia memaksa.

"I don't want to tell you,"

"So this is true. You hide yourself from me. I wonder why is it so hard to find you everywhere," jawabnya. "I looked for every name in every magazine, hoping that I might know where you worked. But I found nothing. I searched everywhere to look for you. I thought you lived abroad,"

Aku tertawa. He thinks too highly of me.