Journal of 2018 and Message to Myself

Well,

I must say 2018 is a very interesting year to me. Many things happened, which I cannot simply conclude in a word.

I traveled to many places this year, which is such a big achievement. To keep the balance between your work and holidays, I may have been blessed since not everyone had this chance.

On January, I went to Thailand. Bangkok and Khao Yai to be exact. It was such an interesting city to me. Thai was developing a lot and it reminded me of Seoul. The moment I went to Khao Yai, I just remembered the first time I went to Gapyeong or Pocheon. Even though it was not a big city, the air was so fresh and quite clean. January was the month when the temperature at the lowest, so I was having fun going here and there with a calming breeze and less sweat on my body.

The Bangkok city itself was well organized and also the transportation. I like it very much when I was having no difficulties to go here and there even though I was not familiar with the language and Thai words.

On February, I went to KL to celebrate my besties birthday. I remembered that I was still at Surabaya for a factory visit after having a function testing with my clients, then hurriedly went back to home at 11 pm, packed things, rested a bit and went back to airport at 3 am to catch flight. Such a restless month. What amazed me was my medical check-up during March showing a very healthy result. No indication as I expected. Wow.

From March to April I went to Surabaya for my works so often until I remembered that I stayed the first week in a same hotel then moved to my usual hotel for another 2 weeks. I was so done with Surabaya back then. But since it was less traffic jam and the food was great as hell, I could not complain anymore.

On May, I went to Japan, like finally. It was the highlight of my travel, since I prepared it by myself from months. Getting there was like a healing but with a lot of fun. I tried the Shinkansen to travel between Osaka - Tokyo and found out a lot of different culture between both cities. It was raining hard during May and I could feel winter breeze but I had no preparation for the cold weather so I was struggling to survive.

What I upset the most was my ultimate artist planned to have concert during my visit, but once again I did not really know how to buy the ticket since it was really limited to the fans, and being a fan required you to have Japan address. So I let that moment go.

But the trip to Japan was really meaningful to me until I felt there was a part of me left there so I had to go back again. Oh I will, believe me, I will...

On June, after Ramadhan and Eid Fitri, I was going to Hongkong, Macau, and Shenzhen with my whole family. I was in group trip and realized that I could ot stand to travel in a group. I now know that I prefer to go alone and exploring the country by myself, having some research, plan the itinerary, decide how to commute from one pace to another, searching for cheapest flight in preferred date, and looking for a strategic place to stay. I enjoyed every moment when I was preparing all of it and when I explored it like a local. I felt so free when I was given a day free to explore Hongkong.

On July, I went to Penang with my little bro. Then not too long after that, I went to Kota Kinabalu as a volunteer for my company. Although we were having less volunteering work but only city tour instead. But at those times, I got to know and close with different people from different countries, also different city in my country. Such an interesting experiences.

I recharged my pennies during August~October but went for a short trip to Jogja on September.

It was for the next trip to Seoul (again) on November. Seoul must be my most favorite city since I was too familiar with everything of it. I understand (a bit but enough) the language, conquered the transportation mode, and accustomed to the culture.

And also, the highlight of the trip was no other than... Going to Fly to the Sky Concert for the very first time of my life! Sadly I knew there was no chance of them to come to Indonesia and having concert so I must go by myself to see them. And it came true. I did not know how to express what I felt before, during, and after concert. Until now, I still had no idea what I just experienced. Was it real? Did I actually have a chance to see them in person and listening them live?

Anyway, I marked several places during this year, which is great. I was living my life as I wanted to, as I wished for. But it led to many thoughts, that I wanted to created a new resolution for 2019.

To never let my impulsivity take control of me again. Most of my journey in the past 2018 were results of the impulsivity, so I did not want to let myself controlled again. I have to reduce traveling and start saving money for any long-term plan.

Even though I still have no idea about my future plan, it is still good to save earlier. It is not really too late, said myself to my other self.

Well, that is my major resolution. Let's start with other resolution and also, a message to myself during this last moment of 2018.

Dear me,

You faced many things this year. But still, you marked nothing. Keep finding what you desire and live as you want to, not what it is supposed to.

But you also fulfilled something. So give your heart and mind a break, treat them nicely.

You found something, you lost it, that's normal. Not everything was under your control, let it go.

You started to get to know yourself better. Keep making yourself happy and satisfied, and explore more.

If you want to kick some a**, think about the consequences first, then do it with no doubt. Keep it to yourself only if you think it's not worth it.

Slowly but sure, the clock is ticking. You live in a place with constraints. Don't try to break them but make yourself to expand as much as possible.

And please remember this.

Everything changes. Either you or whatever around you that change. Fight or flight. Don't take a flight when you initiate and involve in ongoing fight. But you are already enough avoiding the battle. Time to suit up now, dear.

Wishing you another remarkable journey again next year...

[Intermezzo] Confusion and Contemplation

You see,

Life is so unpredictable. You may feel doubt, but that is normal.

I am observing you, a fragile kid living as a bore. Watching a life of twenty something years old human whose too young to fear and hesitate. I am also waiting you not to think much and do whatever you want to do.

You will be forever walking in a steep hill, never know when to fall or stay firm.

An encounter is also indefinite. Every meeting comes with parting, and that is normal.


You are wondering. How come, in an infinite time and space, moment and occasion, you found it. For what reason that you have to meet if you are forced to say goodbye again.


Contemplate, you said. You always want to heal fast and fly, but you never have a faith to do that.

Just fly. Embrace yourself. Go wherever you want to be. That is how you will make mistake, without a regret.

Yeah, just fly and be brave.

Well, I am NEGATIVE

Hello. This time, I will share you about something serious. Not really serious but something that you should know.

The "negative" word that's on the title means something that I recently knew. I know some of you may think of other thing, so let me tell you about my experience first.

I'm always afraid of hospital things. Even at this age, I will get shaken if I have to let myself to go to hospital. I am scared if I have to draw my bloods, get the check result, or even the smell of hospital makes me a little dizzy. In conclusion, I hate needles and seeing bloods. Seriously, I will act like a baby when I'm going to draw blood and I believe I'm not the only one, right?

But last year, I got curious of donating bloods. There was a feeling that I need to experience something that I haven't done and blood donation was the only thing acrossed my mind. Well, with the help of Twitter that gave me an info of the event and the promotions were somehow moving me. I knew that I was scared but my mind told me that somewhere out there, my blood was needed and I would make my life a little bit useful for the world. Okay, it was quite overwhelming but for a person who is scared of needles and blood, it was not.

Luckily, I have a friend with no experience of donating blood and also wanted to do once. She had another reason for donating that was more making me moved to do it. So we were going to the event and start our first donation. Although it was crowded, thankfully we didn't wait too long to get checked. I already knew my blood type, which was A, and my Hb was good to donate, so I passed to donate.

When I was laying and waiting for someone to draw my blood, I got nervous. Oh Hell, I also saw how big the needle was and coughed like crazy because of nervousness. But with the help of beginner's luck, the needles were sucking my blood so fast. Then I felt something. Donating my bloods were not really scary at all. Even I didn't feel the urge to be scared of needles. It was as if I felt nothing! Seriously! My body felt lighter and I didn't get dizzy like everybody said. I felt a little healthier and it was a good thing.

Do you ever feel when you're afraid of something and you try to find out why you get scared of it but instead you find nothing, somehow you start to not be afraid again? Because after donating, I was asking myself why should I was scared of needles and blood when I didn't even felt it hurt at all.

So that's really the first time I knew that I wouldn't be scared of them again and I got the pleasure of donating more and more.

But that's not the point of my story yet.

After that, not too long after i donated, I got a call from someone. Here's our conversation:

Hello, we're from PMI. Did you ever donate your blood at *(the event name)* ? // Yes. // Did you know your rhesus is negative? // Yes (I just said it spontaneously because I didn't even know what she was saying) // Okay, so the thing is we need your blood, may I know where do you live? // Bekasi. // Ah. Are you at home now? // Yes. But i need to go somewhere. // Okay, can you come to donate, like now? // No problem, where should I go? // To Kramat? // Can't I go to other places? // Sorry, but here is the headquarter of PMI and you can only donate here. Or maybe we can send the staff to your house? // What time? // Around 3 PM? // Sorry but I can't. I'm going to campus today. Other time, maybe? // Okay, we will call you next time, thanks.

Seriously, I was asking myself why would they had to come to me only for getting my blood, like am I that special or donating is really a rare thing for people? How can they lack in A type blood stocks, like seriously?

Then that was the time when I understood something. I looked up about what was this rhesus negative that she talked about. I didn't understand it before and just said yes unknowingly. And then I got shocked when I searched about it and asked to my friend to make sure what I read was right. And my friend confirmed what I just found.

Shortly, there are 2 rhesus type of blood, positive and negative. It is not only about A, B, O, or AB type, but the rhesus is needed to be known. Rh+ (Rhesus positive) is the common type while Rh- (Rhesus negative) is the rare type. It may be less than 15% of world population are born with it. Can you imagine it? If 15% is for entire world, what about in Indonesia only? And how much of them already know that they're Rh- ? And to be specific, how much of them are A- like me?

I also saw an article said that Rh- is more to be found (or commonly) in Europe than Asia or other countries. So I got excited at first knowing that maybe I have a little possibility of having caucasian blood on my veins (pardon my imagination but please continue reading).

Then, I also read an article saying that Rh- people may be originated from (or belong to) Nephilim or the Fallen Angels, which I found very exciting because of my interest in fiction novels and Nephilim stories to be exact. Seriously at a glance I feel attached to Nephilim and getting excited over an untrusted source.

BUT the rest infos are getting me more nervous. The fact that I will be getting a failure risk of pregnancy if I married to Rh+ and the baby will be Rh+ too (searching for a right husband is already hard and now I have to search for someone with Rh- too, seriously????) or the worst, IT IS A RARE TYPE. Which means, it will be hard to get one when you suddenly need it and the stock is limited. What if you're on crisis because of an accident?

Seriously? I just got excited over nothing. Being a descendant of Nephilim is useless when you're nobody actually and having difficulty to secure yourself in danger. Come on, in the halfway of life and death, how could I make it worse with the blood stocks? I mean, the time would be risky, and what if the hospital doesn't have one? Oh My God, it's horrible to imagine.

After my first donation in Kramat, i found myself is the only Rh- in my family, so they can't be a helper if I'm in need immediately. And somehow, I got to know that my great-great-great grandfather from my mother side is half dutch (which gives me several percentage of dutch blood that has no meaning totally in my physical appearance, thank you) that may be the reason for my Rh- blood.

So I decided to do something. I WILL dedicate my blood for those who share the fate with me, to expect they will do the same for me when I need in future. It's like feeding my good karma for my own life later. Because I believe that karma does exist, and if everyone do the same, then we will be just fine.

Later I found out that there is a community for Rh- people near us, with a good intention certainly. They help each other, give information, and gather people like me. Even though I am not active in the community, I am happy enough to see them. I tend to get in touch with Rh- staff in PMI and donate my blood whenever they called and if my condition is possible.

In conclusion, I need you to know what rhesus is yours. I know some of you may haven't known your blood type yet, so please check it ASAP, for your own sake.

If you're Rh- just like me, it will be not too late to do a good deed because out there, someone may need your blood to survive. But for the Rh+, you're also needed to donate because the demand for Rh+ is actually higher and your donation is always needed. Just think of what your donation can do to save people, and please, donating won't hurt than the deeds you will give to community.

So please please donate your blood. It will be an exciting experience and also a meaningful deed for some people and even yourself.

Thank you for reading and good night all!!
XOXO <3

[Intermezzo] Being an Adult #1

I think I know why most women like flowers.

That's because flowers are always delivered in happy moments (e.g Graduation, Wedding, Anniversary).

I think I know why most women like jewellery.

That's because jewellery is such a precious thing that would be given by precious someone.

But there are so many things that I still don't understand. Maybe I am not so mature enough to know it now.

Intermezzo: A Letter To You, Dear You

I hate this situation the most.

When you saw a bad-boy-becoming-good-one starting to like a girl whole-heartedly,

Then that girl liked another good-boy-but-cruel that always ignored her feelings,

And you know exactly there will be no way it would end up as you wished.

I believe this is not the first time for me falling in love with the supporting character, the third man. Come on, they always appeared as an attractive hot looking guy, how can i not love them? Besides, they were bad at first, and became a total badass at the end.

I'm taking a break from reading a manga that i know i would hate the ending. I'm not ready to be heart-broken, seeing him smile (maybe) or even showing a plain face to me. Please God, this may be a ridiculous prayer but i'm still hoping the ending would change. To cheer you up, here is my letter to you,

Dear you, 

The third man of the story.

I know your life has never been happier before you meet her, and i also know you always crave for that happiness. You felt love like you've never experienced before, yet you let your heart be broken because of a shallow love. You tasted  a bitter life, and yes, you deserved to be a heroine for your own. 

Please believe that you'd get a better, happier, bigger, and a grateful love someday. There must be someone out there trying to reach you here. She will make you happier and never let tears fall from you. You have to believe it because you deserve it.

Knowing how much you've changed make my heart ache. You were such a bad boy the first time i met you, and she finally changed the way you were. You're still in a long way to become a man, a best man that you will ever be. Yes, i know. You ever wondered why she didn't see the great in you, right? It's okay, everything will get better, i assure you.

Don't. Don't ever cry over her like that. Just send her off with smile and keep your head straight. You're good enough to not be spoiled by her. She may be an antique one, but you must let her go. At least, do this for me, the one that will cheer you from afar. 

Promise me that your life is going to be better than before. Promise me that you will always fill your life with your own smile. And, promise me that you will find love, the real one.

Goodbye, 

Dear you, a fictional crush of my unreal life.

Intermezzo #1

Have you ever wished to have amnesia for a particular memory ?

Aku membuka mata perlahan dan melihat ke langit-langit. This is the reality. Aku mencoba bangun dari tidurku dengan berat hati. Perlahan aku mencoba mengumpulkan kesadaranku lagi.

Waktu baru menunjukkan pukul 7 pagi tetapi suasana hatiku sudah begitu buruk. Semalaman aku menangis dan kantung mataku menghitam dan bengkak. Aku masih bisa mengingat semuanya dengan jelas.

Episode final dari serial yang kutonton sama sekali menyebalkan bagiku. Selama setengah jam awal, aku dibuat menangis tiada henti. Seolah merasakan kesedihan yang nyata, aku menghabiskan air mataku sambil meraung-raung tidak bisa menerima kenyataan. Tiba-tiba di menit akhir, semuanya berubah. Aku merasa dibodohi. Selama 6 season, aku begitu kesal bukan main telah menyia-nyiakan air mata ini karena sang heroine mendapatkan happy ending.

Happy ending yang tabu. Aku seharusnya layak melihat sang heroine bahagia lebih lama lagi. Come on, i waited for it like forever. Dan kenyataannya, scene berakhir tepat disaat dia mulai merasakan happy ending.

It's so unfair. Ini adalah episode terakhir dari serial yang berarti aku tidak akan bisa melihat kelanjutannya lagi. Tidak adakah episode spesial atau... terserah apapun itu.

Kehidupanku akhirnya terombang-ambing. Setiap aku bangun, rasanya semangat itu hilang. Aku benar-benar merindukan serial itu hingga kupikir aku bisa menciptakan imajinasiku sendiri untuk menghidupkan karakter tersebut.

Tetapi kenyataannya, aku tidak bisa. Yang aku butuhkan adalah season baru, dan itu mustahil.

Menonton dari awal benar-benar percuma. Aku tidak suka mengulanginya karena sebelumnya sang heroine masih belum berubah karakternya. Lagipula aku juga sudah tidak akan puas dengan ceritanya karena aku sudah tahu dengan jelas.

Then, it felt like i was on the edge of my life.

Aku tidak bisa melakukan apapun untuk memuaskan dahaga ini.

Dan akhirnya,

Dengan bodoh aku berharap,

Bahwa aku bisa menghapus memoriku tentang serial tersebut lalu menontonnya kembali. Akhirnya aku akan jatuh cinta lagi dengan serial tersebut dan menikmati dengan sangat antusias.

Ah... Right...

The one that i desired was the thrill of anticipating the stories and falling in love with the plot, exactly like the first time...