[One Shot] The Wonderful Concept of Soulmates

How could I even describe him?

He is not my lover,

Yet he is more than anyone I would care about.

He is not my brother,

Yet our connection are thicker than blood.

He is not just my best friend,

Yet he is the person I want to spend my whole life with the most.

All I know, we are as if one soul and whenever I am with him, I never felt safer than anywhere.

A hand was grabbing the man's hand. He was way older than him and even more experienced, but he got nervous easily. The other man just smiled with a naughty grin,

"You're the best person I ever knew, you'll kill it immediately!"

He was looking at the person who smiled brightly and somehow the happy virus was transmitted to him.

He nodded and the anxiety disappeared in a flash.

But they never let the other hands go. They came up to the stage together. They rocked the stage until the audiences went wild. The hands were holding to each other even until the last bow.

The one who held him, who was younger and taller named Kaz, and the other man named Sho. They hugged and praised to each other endlessly. The energy was too bright and positive. No one really wanted to let them apart when watched the two.

After the performance, Sho had a very high confidence to himself. But Kaz, he realized something was growing. He really admired Sho but even depended on him more than before.

He craved for success, but he must gained it along with Sho, and all that he wanted was how to be success with him too.

Can I never let go of you?

"Don't leave me,"

Kaz was shocked when Sho whispered to him. That was what he yearned to tell him too. How could such a person, with a contrast personality to him, able to complete himself wholly?

"Sho,"

The man whispered back. "You too,"

Both of them, immersed in a crowd of applause, still hugged awkwardly. It took more than a minute to let go of each other when the MC asked them to bow to audience for one last time.

The day after, they met to celebrate their victory. The first project was well executed, all thanks to Sho's unimaginable skill. Kaz took a big part to make the message was delivered. The celebration was mainly to praise both of them.

Kaz was looking at Sho, who was crowded by some groupies and his face was getting dark. Sho was mine only. But then he decided not to think more and joined the group. He quickly replaced the seat next to Sho. He tried to be casually blended in.

Sho smiled wider when he knew Kaz was beside him. He always felt uneasy in a group talk or gathering like this, but Kaz was there to help him, finally. He was more than relieved to see Kaz because the man was a social butterfly. He could rely on him for this kind of ocassion.

It's always like this and without even telling to each other, they both harmonized perfectly. It's amazing when the two realized their existence next to each other was like fated.

Sho tried to hide his relief when Kaz tried to lead the talk but never insisted Sho to join or respond. Sho didn't even hope to be asked and Kaz knew it exactly so he always responded them instead.

It's nice to have Kaz by his side. Sho selfishly thought he would do whatever to make him around. And who would have expected that's also what Kaz always thought too.

As for Kaz, he didn't understand how a social butterfly like him would be obsessed with one person only. Even if he was about to choose between an exciting gathering full of his closest friends with a silent moment with Sho only, it's considered a kind of insult to him actually. There was no place as exciting with no Sho in it. But again, he knew Sho too well. Sho wouldn't want him to miss such a moment as well.

"What are you laughing at?" Someone asked Kaz when he's lost in thought.

"No, I'm just wondering what should we do next?" He stared at Sho and Sho smiled as if he got the answer.

"I am considering to stay," Sho shyly sounded. Kaz liked the idea too much. He just wanted to add another opinion to open the studio but a girl just responded back before he even had a chance.

"There's a world championship event in about a month, I registered you both and I just had the response, you passed the first screening!"

No way! A month is too short!

Kaz was trying to catch a glimpse on Sho. He worried Sho will be overworked again. It happened before and he hated that moment the most. As a perfectionist in nature, Sho always pushed himself to provide the best and he didn't even take care of anything even his health.

"Sho," Kaz was living next to his place so it's natural to walk him home after drinks. It's obvious Sho already put his mind to the event while walking home.

Sho stopped to unlock the door and saw Kaz was standing behind.

"Maybe we should cancel to participate,"

"No, that would be rude," as a good guy in nature, his weakness was to refuse an offer.

"But you should take care of yourself before anything else. Why don't we just settle and open a studio? Isn't it great?"

Sho was amazed at first hearing his offer. Opening his own studio was always his goal. He was hesitating at first to ask Kaz about this since he saw the man's still burning for competition.

"That's great too, but let's promise this to be the last, okay?"

Kaz was greatly worried more. It's true he craved to be the best, but Sho was beyond everything to him. He didn't want to take the risk. Besides, he also dreamed owning a building where he opened a dance studio and a pub at ground floor. He would teach dancing with Sho at noon while also operate a pub at night. Isn't that how people settle down?

While Sho was reminiscing Kaz ever told him that he wanted to be a world class champion. He still remembered his passionate eyes while saying such things. Whatever risk ahead, isn't that worth to die for?

The day after, as if the word of "taking a break" was unknown to him, Sho was seen preparing for the event. Kaz could not bear to look at his beloved. It's so heartbreaking to see how thin he was already. But he knew Sho better, no one could stop him from now on. All Kaz could do was doing his part better.

Papa Kaz, during the preparation everyone would call Kaz this way. He took care of Sho the most, provided everything to support Sho the best. While Sho was pouring all his mind to strategize, Kaz was taking care of Sho's body and routine as a valuable treasure. During these times, Kaz even slept at Sho's to make sure he got a proper life.

Since both were creating such suspicions, a group of staff came over Kaz when he just bought a lunch to them both. It's the same girl who registered them to the event and created the mess. When Kaz was seeing her, he almost coughed up blood but he tried to be calm.

"You're taking care of Sho greatly these days. However... You know... Somehow... You understand, right?"

Kaz frowned. "What?"

The girl didn't know what to say, so she just asked him bluntly, "Why do you have to do such things? They're extremely suspicious of your relationship now. As long as I know you, you're quite distant to such personal matters,"

Kaz just smiled but his aura was so dark. He felt he could kill someone immediately. "I do this simply because I want to, do you have any objection to my doing actually?"

The girl shook her head. "No, but why? What is he to you? Sho is not a baby, he can take care of himself alone,"

That is the most ridiculous statement I ever heard, Kaz thought.

[One Shot] A Wicked Fate

In one of my dreams about you, there was one thing that I liked the most.

It was when you decided to choose me, all over again.

We were separated by fate, being forced to give up on each other, but then again after many exhausting years, I approached you again and you looked into my eyes.

Do you miss me?

You asked me while grinning. I was getting panicked on what to answer you. There's no a single word right enough to explain what I felt all this time.

Too much.

I stupefied by your presence, yet my mind went blank. I could remember all the pain that I had to endure, but once I looked at you again, it all went away. Only good memories left between us in my mind.

Even though I knew you had someone beside you, but you still embraced me. This kind of you, the wicked you, the bad you, I would gladly accept it in my arms.

But that's the worst part. You were never that bad which made me realized that it was just a dream. You already had a lover, that's a fact. And this half-like reality was the kind of dreams that I hoped to become true. I was too afraid to open my eyes to end this dream.

Was it wrong to fancy you like this?

I still remembered the days of our best times. I was too madly in love with you at that time. You were seeing me as another rebellious teen, but you always took care of me. You were hesitant to accept my confession at first. I understood why. 

You were worried if you wasted my youth for an elder like you. I never thought the 10 years age gap was a matter. After all, I was more matured than you. You were happened to born earlier than me but it's still a great blessing that we met each other. So age gap was not acceptable reason to reject me.

And to think that I would waste my youth with you was another nonsensical reason. But again, it must be tough times for you being chased by me back then. I was too persistent and did not accept to your rejection many times. Oddly enough, I was acting immature whenever I was around you.

You gave up eventually and agreed to make me your lover. That was the happiest time of my life. I knew your caring and attention to me was love too, and it was the only matter of time to acknowledge it. And I had to say, being your lover maybe the purpose of my life.

You were a sanctuary and I was your worshiper. I was devoted to you ever since we first met, and you could see how passionate I was at that time. My feelings for you grew bigger over time without a sign of weakened.

[Recommendation] Your Name Engraved Herein, Painfully Beautiful Love Story That is Worth to Rewatch Countless Time!

I had a high expectation of this movie, but all of my expectation was clearly devoured by the movie itself.

It's such a gem and yet another pain in the ass. I barely moved on from finishing the story and all I hope is another worthy movie to be expected, but I don't have a list at all up until now.

Anyway, let me introduce you to the movie itself, and warning, it would definitely contain spoilers!

 

It's "Your Name Engraved Herein". Whose name? Of course it's Birdy and Jia Han. Yes, t's indeed another BL movie! And I'd be delighted to tell you many times that this movie was a top tier.

Shall we take a look of the synopsi, cited from Mydramalist, first?

In 1987 when the martial law period ended, two Christian high-school students, Jia Han and Birdy, met at the school band led by a Canadian priest. One day, they were granted a day off to Taipei for the late president’s funeral. The two took a chance to explore the city and theaters, finding themselves inspired by brotherly love and freedom. 

Days after, Jia Han’s affection for Birdy has been awakened, but a much-confused Birdy pushed him away by pretending to fall in love with a girl. The misunderstanding separated them ever since until three decades later, when the two men met again in a foreign city.

Well,

I loved every part of it.

[Monologue] Looking at You

I once walked along the edge of a rocky beach. I was in a barefoot and I thought it was too dumb to do that. But the next day, I found myself walking in the same path at the same condition. I was still in barefoot, when the sharp of the rock surfaces hit me in each of my step.

Sometimes a pile of sand hid the rock too well so when I stepped on it, I thought nothing would happen. But I was wrong, and I did walk on it again, and again. I walked in the same path everyday.

I thought to myself on how dumb I was to repeat such mistakes.

But every time I stopped at the end of path, I smiled. I knew why I did this, what kind of thing I looked forward to.

I once assumed that beyond every pain you went through, there would be a satisfying reward you would gain. And here was my reward, right in front of me, at the end of path.

You.

How you worried about the blister in my foot, your nitpicking, and your endless whine. I found it as a satisfying action that showed how much you cared of me.

And a simple word as a 'I won't do that again' from my mouth would always triggered you to another whining.

I was hurt each time and you were always there. How was that kind of things being my own purpose to live on everyday?

Should I tell you that I already liked you?

If you asked me why, then I would say that I don't know. I just simply liked when you cared to me. I liked being the only focus in your universe. I might be selfish, but I selfishly wanted only you.

I only remembered all the good things between us. It was too weird, I was intoxicated by you.

And yet, on the next day, when I repeated such mistakes, you didn't even ignore me, you were always there for me, at the end of the road.

Was it supposed to be this hard, the path that I must go through only to be with you? Why weren't you stopped me and hugged me instead whenever I tried to walk on that path again?

Was it actually because you were enjoying how much pain that I had only to meet you there?

Were you secretly looking at a far all of my sufferings, and waiting at the end only to be the saint?

Then, I looked at you once again after feeling numb at my feet. A hint of smile in your face when you looked at me, I saw it clearly.

[One Shot] When the World is Against You, I Won't

It was already a lifetime I followed and observed her.

A woman with a hint of bitter smile in her resting face, an owner of eagle-eyed stare and a hunched posture due to her anxiety.

A woman with a troubled mind with nothing clear in her head. The most impulsive person you would meet and an awkward person in nature.

She hugged me from the back, telling that I shouldn't go anywhere.

I reached her arms, and whispered, "I will go nowhere,"

She smiled. She already relieved at my words, without knowing whether it's true or not. But in fact, I wouldn't leave her at all.

I promised to myself, and to her, to always beside her, I would embrace her, no matter what. If anyone said that I was already in love with her, I was, perhaps. I loved her as my own self. I loved her unconditionally.

Even if she didn't love herself either, that's okay. I loved her enough so that nothing would worry her. She could do anything she wanted, and I would always support her.

Her wrongdoings or her wrong choices, those are all okay. Because as long as I believed her, I knew she could correct them all. No matter how long it would take, she would eventually find a way.

After that, she walked away towards a door. I could see her proud and confidence were rising up. I followed her each step, and stood behind her.

"Come in," a man with a black suit was calling to her.

She walked to the place that he pointed.

"Please be seated," said that man, so she did what he said.

After a moment to relax and find a comfort position, she sat straight, and looked at the man with a clear smile.

"Now please explain to us what happened,"

The Journal of Surviving the Pandemic With A Goal of Keeping Sane All the Time - 2020 Edition

Hi, congratulations for being able to pass 2020 safely!

And here I welcome you to... 2020 patch 0.1, which is... 2021!

Well, the first month of 2021 will be over and I can assume the whole world is not getting any better in short time. We must endure another year, or perhaps, it's really us to make peace with the condition and try to live in a whole new way. I don't know what will happen and to think more will only hurt my mind, so I let everything whatever it will be.

As usual, I would like to look back for the past year with some short monologue for the following year.

Dear 2020,

Actually, you are not that worse. I still liked you, though. 

As I ever said, maybe this is how my wishes come true, to suppress my tendency to waste money on traveling. Well, you did well for that since all my travel plans are ruined and I was stuck at the same place every time.

On the positive side, you taught me how to be "not-giving-a-fuck" for most of the time. You also gave me more time to self-reflect, to get to know myself more and more. All I had to mind was how to keep sane and clear my mind, despite of all the chaos happened. Since almost everything was not going well in my life, and I bet so was everyone, it was the hardest to reduce the stress level to bare minimum. We got to watch bad news everyday and tried to follow such procedures that disturb our usual, those were actually too hard to endure.

But did you know?

Being a fujoshi was actually one of blessing in me to survive. The whole year, I clenched my thirst of high quality danmei and their adaptation endlessly. I even bought an e-book reader in order to fancy myself and it's already filled with a lot of danmei books lining up to be enjoyed. I also woke up every day with a high spirit to keep on living and watch the newly released episodes.

I was grateful to be able living in such a world in such a perfect time. If I did not find out about it on time, I did not know how much regret I would have in life. I might went overboard but that only showed how much I was very grateful for this.

My journey of 2020 was not about where I went, but instead, what title that I enjoyed and left a notable remark in my memories.

 On the first quarter, I read Scum Villain Self-Saving System. This was the last book from MXTX that I read and the only word to describe the whole story would be... Hillarious. It's very entertaining with its raw style of writing, comedy and tragedy were blended into one, and less chapters than the other MXTX books which made it fast-paced.

And also during the year, Heaven's Official Blessing manhua was released weekly. And I did not have to mention this one since it's the best thing ever happened during 2020. It was drawn by Starember, the artist that I used as reference to imagine the characters while reading the book. Not to mention that she followed the book precisely and drew it beautifully, I was really contented every time the chapter is released. Additionally, the donghua was released too which was breathtaking. Every adaptation was staying true to the original story. I was thankful enough for that.

Since I would only mentioned the "remarkable" one, thus I would not mention each title that I read or watch,

Then on the second quarter, Where Your Eyes Linger was released. It's a korean webseries, that, in term of quality and production, it's a top notch and the pioneer of other webseries with the same genre. I loved the chemistry of both main characters and especially when the uke was not that feminine but still looked beautiful in a manly way. Also the soundtrack was worth repeating, that's why it's quite hard to move on from the series either.

After that, I needed to mention The Legend of Exorcism donghua (Tianbao Fuyao Lu). I honestly did not read the book since it was not yet finished translated. I gave up reading MTL version though. But since the donghua was very funny and the characters were all hottie, I could not resist to not mention this. I also believed that it would have the second season and I'd wait patiently then.

Also, the Scum Villain was releasing the donghua. It was way too hilarious, I loved how the production house executed it well with such a tight budget. The graphic was actually pitiful, it's as if the whole money was put on the both main characters and no money left for other details. But, the low-budget production was one of the hilarious aspect that added the laughable moment. I always screamed and laughed everytime. It's imperfectly perfect.

On the third quarter, I read Golden Stage or Huang Jin Tai. I loved it very much and I must thank the one who tweeted to recommend the book. It was actually very relaxing to read, it's somehow... great on its own way. It was very enjoyable, I loved the pace. It was not a slow burn, not too fluffy. It's... How should put it... It's perfect to read if you were not in a mood of political, angsty, or too fluffy. It had a great proportion though.

And finally, on the end of quarter, to close the year, there were two remarkable title that were worth to praise. First, Cherry Magic, a japanese series that I once thought to become the best thing ever to close the awful year with a sweet memory. It was very alluring since the first episode, and it's going strong until the last episode. I liked it very much, it's very funny but painful too. And I just realized that this was the only series without kiss scene of the main characters, at all. But still, each scene was breathless.

Then, when I thought Cherry Magic was the best of all, another title came out, which made me indecisive to which I should acclaim the "Best of 2020" to. It's Your Name Engraved Herein. I already got curious since the first trailer, but I had to be patient to release on Netflix at the end of December. It's the highest grossing movie of 2020 in Taiwan, and it's already remarkable milestone considering its genre. All I could say is that I repeatedly watched the movie all over, and still admiring how beautiful each of every scene. I loved every part of it and I could not even remember if there was another best film ever existed. 

It's like the perfect portrayal of a BL movie should be. It reflected an identity crisis and confusion of youth feelings, conflicting with the present society and also religious side. The cinematography was well executed with breathtaking setting and color palette that symbolized the emotions. Additionally, it was also supported by such eye-pleasing actors that perfectly showed manly-to-manly affections, and tearjerker soundtracks that was too beautiful yet painful whenever I listened to. It's as if every part of it was a priceless art itself. The only thing that lacked the most was the ending.

And for all the title above that I mentioned, thank you very much. You're the main reason for me to keep sane during the awful year. You're giving me another hope to look forward to the following year. I was not really that furious at all of what I've been through or what I lost these past months. It's all because of you guys.

For the starting year, I recently noticed there were too many danmei adaptations that would be on air and ongoing filming. It's nice though. At least I believe that I could survive another day of such pandemic. I only hoped that the predecessor would raise the bar, become the great example and what to expect for those next-in-line.

And... Is there anything else that I must say except danmei?...

Well, talking about the pandemic, as a slightly privileged person, it's not really that upsetting to adapt the new normal, though. I am more worried if I'll be okay if we're back to normal. At least from this situation, I'll get to learn how to keep the distance with people. On a bright side, I get to limit the interaction with others and my circle is less than before. It diminishes the necessity for such courtesy and I can get to the point instead. Also, I am filtering what-to-share-to others more, vice versa. I keep on focusing of whatever that I prioritize the most and I also learn that whatever you desired is actually not that desirable.

And talking about people, about others. During the pandemic, we are all more aware of cleanliness. Isn't it great? 

And another great point, you can really cut off people that you think unnecessary to be around with or simply being a toxic to you far far away. It's such a great moment to get to know your surrounding and to keep or shoo them away.

Let's just be positive of every moments in our lives, shall we?

[One Shot] Loneliest Hours

An overwhelmed feeling.

I tried to enjoy the day. Even though the very first time that I want was to talk, but I chose not to. I didn't know to whom I should talk to, and what to talk to.

I like him.

Behind the event happened today, I just wanted to tell him that I like him. But on the other side I realized that this feeling is too one-sided

But I hate him.

Because to end this feeling, by any means, it would be too risky. Every option that I had would only make one of sides disappointed. And I didn't know what to sacrifice. 

Maybe I should really abandon this feeling.

Although every time I closed my eyes and hoped someone to call, he was the one that I hope for. Or every time I sat alone in a table for two, his shadow was the one that cross my mind.

He came in an unexpected time, and like everyone knows, whoever comes will go sooner or later. But for this time, this person, I knew it early when he was going to go. But still, when the day came I was not ready to overcome it.

And I also hate myself.

Knowing the one thing I want the most was to meet him again, I was hating myself more and more. But still, I reached to him and quickly ran to him.

"I am moving out in two weeks, thank you, for everything,"

That voice, that stare. Those kind of words were finally coming out. A word of separation.

"Okay, good luck then, thank you for everything too,"

I tried to calm myself. To let this feeling away for just a moment. Even though today I was prepared to confess, I couldn't do it at the end.

Every mixed feelings that I had in early morning has nothing left. I like you. That 3 words always got stuck inside, and I knew if it's not now, there will be no time anymore.

But still, I was spacing out, figuring out what to do. Should I cherish the time I had left with him as a friend only, or should I risk our relationship that may end up in an instant, which means losing him earlier than it would be.

I knew it well you only see me as nothing but a dear friend. That was also the biggest mistake of mine to set no boundary from the start. Oh, I was such a whiner, maybe being just friends were my only best option. 

"Take care of yourself,"

His eyes. Your eyes. That kind of eyes that was warmly staring at me. Argh... I was going crazy. I couldn't lose him now, and forever.

But then, who am I to stop him? If I said that I liked him, he wouldn't gladly tell me that he loves me too. What a dreamer. I watched too many romantic movies already.

"Ah!!"

I randomly screamed when I started to realize that he is going away from my sight.

"I mean... I..."

What a coward. I stuttered, even I could hear my shortened breath. My heart was pounding hard. I must find courage!

"I can't live without you,"

Is it bad? Did my choice of words are okay?

He looked at me again, smiling. "What do you mean? You're not a toddler, you'll be fine on your own,"

"What am I to you?" I finally asked. Yes, you coward whiner! Go on!

He stared at me, looking confused.

"To me, you're not only a best friend, I mean, I really can't live without you, even I can't see myself living if you're not around"

He still straightly stares at me, slowly approaches me.

"No, don't..."

"You're not going anywhere, you must stay here with me,"

He gently patted my head. "So the rumor is true? Is it true that you..."