Late New Year Message: A Look Back of 2019 and Such

Hi, hello again.

Even though that 2020 is just started and even not yet passed a month, I must admit that this whole year will pretty much be 2019.2. Since 2019 was not a very good year, but I still have a high hope for this year. Let's just be positive.

And I realized that I had many things to tell during 2019 but did not come up at the end. So I just grab the draft and put it here, then added some words also.

First report of 2019.

I failed to suppress my impulsivity and aborted the mission already. It turned out that if I refrain myself, I thought that I would somehow lost my identity. I felt that I was not accepting myself and there was no point of doing that anymore. I wanted to love myself more than doing anything that seemed the best. I tried to acknowledge that loving and accepting the real "you" can be considered as a big improvement.

So I, as a biggest supporter of myself, will support whatever my heart wants and yearn for. Whatever it is, however impulsive it is.

Oh yes, I would love to take a journey to another place again. I would let myself go wherever I want to. I want to live at the fullest. I want to have no regret at all.

Actually my biggest resolution for 2019 was not to spend my savings for traveling, again. I used up lots of them during 2018. Then I got upset knowing that I had no money savings at all. But then, turned out that I could not do it and ended up booking flight tickets.

That's when I realized that actually I cannot refrain myself to not travel since that is my passion. I feel so alive whenever I get started to plan the whole journey, as if I get a boost of life motivation. So the trick is, to split the my saving pocket between long term and short term plan. But to ask whether I am success for that... I am still figuring out.


Second report, and one of the main issue of the first quarter, is that I discovered a new world to obsess. This is already being my weakness and habit. To have at least something to obsess over.

If you know me well in real world, I always tend to be a devoted fangirl of something. It can be about a comic, novel, artist, or even idols. Once I laid my eyes on something, I become obsessed. But now, I learn that there is a chance of me to like this "kind of" world.

This world, even though at first I have never been interested, even questioned why people can be obsessed over it, but more I learn it, more interesting to me now. It provided me such a new insight, a new viewpoint, and get to learn a new culture. It can be a positive or negative approach, depends on how you see it. But I must say this insight are too interesting to learn since it is very different but somehow it is also quite familiar.

I once posted a Yaoi recommendation and my viewpoint about homosexual. I was "once or twice" okay with some BLs (from now on, let's use BL rather than Yaoi, okay?), but that's it. Then it took me such a long time and courage to finally accept that now I can be considered as a fujoshi.

You read it right. Fujoshi.

If you're not familiar with the word, Fujoshi is a term for a fangirl of BL genre. And I am one of them, with a condition, and I am strictly limited to certain BL I still have the same viewpoint as I had before. So my only condition is that, as long as the quality is there and it is not only lust. So, prepare yourself that I will post more about BL and recommend you any of them.

So, those two reports, two discoveries, which I gladly accept as a part of me. I will continuously live as an impulsive and a fujoshi, as long as I am enjoy with them. So 2020 is truly a 2019.2 even for my own self. I don't change much and also don't want to. I seek only happiness and pursue any desire. And that is how I want to spend my life with.

From a selfish person who wish to be more than before,


Please enjoy this year as much as you can.

[One Shot] A Silent Question Wandering Around My Head

Have I ever really loved you before?

I don't know.

Do I even love you now?

This also I don't know.

Aku memperhatikan beberapa orang belakangan ini. Bagaimana mereka menceritakan kenangan-kenangan di perjalanan hidupnya dan tertawa. Setidaknya tersenyum seolah kembali ke masa itu. Dan aku duduk mendengarkan, terkadang mencoba membayangkan apa yang terjadi.

Mereka menceritakan bagaimana pertemuan mereka dengan pasangannya, momen-momen menarik dan lucu.

Aku hanya tertawa sambil menikmati. Untuk tidak memiliki kesempatan bercerita saja sudah bersyukur. Aku tidak tahu harus menceritakan apa kepada mereka semua. Tepatnya, aku takut tidak mampu mengatur ekspresiku saat bercerita.

Apakah aku akan begitu antusias, tertawa, menertawai diri sendiri, tersipu-sipu?

Ataukah ekspresiku tetap kosong dan tidak berbeda, dan mereka mulai mencurigai sesuatu.

Do I have any memory of you that I cherished the most?

"Ya? Tidak... Aku baru saja selesai..."

Aku merapikan bawaanku ke tas sambil menjawab telepon darimu. Tidak lebih dari 3 kali dering, aku menjawab panggilan tersebut. Tetapi untuk menjelaskan apakah aku senang saat melihat namamu di kontak, aku tidak benar-benar bisa mengekspresikannya.

"Hmm. Oke, sampai jumpa,"

Aku mengantongi kembali ponselku dan berjalan menuju tempat yang disepakati. Kita berjanji untuk makan malam di sebuah restoran, dan di saat aku menemukan sosokmu, aku hanya melangkah terus mendekati. Sampai akhirnya aku duduk tepat di hadapanmu.

Disini, hanya kamu yang sangat bersemangat malam ini. Aku berkali-kali menahan letih dengan senyuman. Aku terus mendengarkan curhatannya tentang segala hal, lalu merespon seperlunya.

Mungkin karena beban pekerjaanku belakangan ini terlalu berat, sehingga tidak ada tenaga lagi untuk mengurusi hal-hal lainnya. Bahkan untuk sekedar meladenimu.

Ya, mungkin karena itu. Aku hanya ingin pulang dan tidur sampai pagi datang.

"Let's have a party!"

Masa-masa kritis di kantorku sudah lewat. Aku mulai bisa bernapas lega dan beberapa orang bermaksud merayakannya. Aku melirik Helga, yang tadi mengajakku.

"It wil be too loud. I'm not coming,"

Helga berbisik kepadaku, "Let's have a drink somewhere instead,"

Aku menangkap bahwa dia memahami apa yang kupikirkan sekarang dan langsung bersiap untuk pergi.

"Speak, if you don't speak up then I don't know what's on your mind,"

Aku dan Helga duduk di bar stool. Aku menghela napas dalam-dalam.

"Do you think I love Miranda?"

Helga melirikku. Dia kenal Miranda cukup baik. Diantara rekan kerjaku, Helga adalah salah satu yang mengenal kehidupan personalku.

"You doubt your own feeling or what?"

"I just feel lost. I don't know what I feel, is this right, or not,"

Dia tertawa. "You know, I admit I never love my husband. I also don't understand what is love, how is that feeling,"

"Yeah, I see some couples care each other dearly, and I wonder whether I can do it or not. I think it's too much a burden to care for Miranda as good as others," balasku.

"But you don't want to let go of her easily,"

Aku mengangguk. "To breakup with her is actually adding more problem, so I just keep her stay,"

"What a bastard you are," Helga cekikikan sambil meneguk minumannya. "But you actually took care of her enough, in my eyes,"

Aku melirik Helga dan menunggu penjelasannya.

"You never have to love her to care for her, as long as she is happy and she accepts you. What? Are you seeking for a romance now?"

"No, it's just that... I am confused. Isn't it unfair for her not to be loved as she deserves?"

Helga mengangguk keras. "That's why I call you a such a bastard. But since I've been in your position, maybe I can relate,"

Salah satu alasan aku menerima ajakan Helga adalah karena aku tahu bagaimana kehidupan rumah tangganya. Helga tidak pernah mencintai suaminya. Dia setuju menikah karena desakan usia dan sampai sekarang hubungan mereka tidak pernah meningkat lebih baik.

"It's not like you will die for not having a romance in your life, right? For me, I don't need to love my husband to live together with him. Just think of him as a roommate, or a friend to spend some lonely time, it's more than enough,"

"But what if I have a feeling of remorse to her?"

"For lying to her? For still choosing her even though you never love her? What are you implying to?"

"I don't know. I do regret to keep her around, to ignore every chance to get rid of her and stay like this for years. I just hate myself more and more every time I see her,"

"You don't want to be with her anymore?"

Aku mengangkat bahu. "I don't know either. I feel numb in my mind. Maybe it is because I know exactly what I want but I cannot achieve it,"

"What is it?"

"To live independently alone. I don't want Miranda or anyone to disturb me,"

Helga menepuk pundakku. "You are really good at knowing whom to talk to. That was what I actually yearned for, and here is a little bit advice, my dear friend. We live in a society that is not allowing us to do actually what we want. I didn't know if I am happy enough or feeling content in this kind of life. But, living together without love since I never seek any of that experience either is not a bad thing. And you don't have to be open with your feeling, just give them what they want, and it is enough,"

"Helga," aku memperhatikannya. "Did you tell him you love him?"

"I did, why? Of course it's a lie,"

Aku menggeleng. She was such a person. "No, you're very cool though,"

...
..
.
..
...

Miranda,

If one day you find out the truth, is this still okay?

If all of my dearly act is only half-heartedly, is it also still okay?
 

Till death do us part.

Pada saat aku masih bingung dengan semua pertanyaan di pikiranku, ucapan tersebut keluar dari mulutku.


*****

P.S.
What will you do if someone that you think loves you, is actually lying to you?
What will you do when you think that you are showered with love, but in truth you're not?
 

[Continuous] Ceaseless Flame Part 1

"Well I was afraid, once," jawab seseorang di hadapanku, sambil menggenggam gelas di tangan kanannya.

Aku memperhatikan orang ini, apakah masih sadar atau tidak. Matanya sudah tidak fokus, namun gerakannya tetap tegas. Someone like him, to be afraid and admit it? Am I hallucinating?

"A thought just came to my mind, and I suddenly was afraid imagining you wouldn't come back," ucapnya, sambil menatapku, dalam-dalam.

Aku memilih mengarahkan mataku ke kanan dan kiri, mencari topik lain untuk dibahas.

"I was wondering, even after waiting for 20 years, what if I still couldn't find you,"

"Well, but I am here now," jawabku, tersenyum.

Dia mengangguk. "Right. That's the most important. You're here,"

Dia menuangkan gelasnya kembali. Aku sudah tidak menghitung gelas keberapa kali ini. Tetapi postur dan gerakannya masih belum bergeming sama sekali. Kalau saja dia sudah hilang kesadaran, apa yang harus aku lakukan? Membawanya pulang? Bagaimana mungkin?

Saat aku bangkit ke toilet, dia menggenggam tanganku dengan sangat kencang. "I am just going to toilet, it's not like I will leave you again,"

Orang ini, aku yakin dia sudah terlalu mabuk dan hilang kesadaran. Airmata jatuh ke pipinya yang sudah memerah. Hanya tetesan demi tetesan, namun selain matanya, ekspresinya begitu datar yang membuatku kebingungan.

Aku melepas tangannya, dan dia tidak melawan.

Aku baru bisa menghela napasku setelah masuk ke dalam toilet. Sesuatu di dalam diriku, rasanya terbakar dan membuat jantungku berpacu. Aku bisa merasakan tubuhku merinding bukan main.

Untuk bertemu dengan orang itu, setelah sekian lama...

Aku membasuh wajahku dan berharap bahwa kesadaranku kembali.

Di saat aku kembali ke meja, dia sudah menatapku dari kejauhan. Seolah-olah begitu takut aku benar-benar akan menghilang lagi. Aku duduk di depannya dan dia terus-terusan menatap kemanapun aku bergerak.

Aku melambaikan tangan ke arahnya, namun tidak bisa mengenali apakah dia sudah benar-benar mabuk atau setengah sadar.

"You're drunk already, let's go home,"

"Whose home?" tanyanya.

Aku memperhatikannya. "Let me get you a cab," aku menarik tangannya. Yang mengejutkan, dia masih bisa menggunakan tenaganya sendiri untuk berdiri dan berjalan. Hanya saja langkahnya sudah sempoyongan dan tidak bisa berjalan lurus.

Aku berdiri di sebelahnya, menuntun orang ini sampai keluar pintu. Aku meminta seorang pelayan untuk memesankan taxi. Saat sang pelayan menanyakan berapa taxi, dengan cepat seseorang menjawabnya, "One please," tentu saja siapa lagi kalau bukan yang berdiri di sebelahku.

Aku meliriknya, namun terlalu enggan berdebat sehingga aku mengikuti kemauannya.

Kami berdua duduk di bangku pinggir jalan, menunggu taxi datang. Dia, yang entah memang mabuk atau masih sadar, menggenggam sambil memainkan tanganku seperti anak kecil. Seolah dia tidak bisa menahan kesenangannya saat melihatku lagi.

"Don't you feel dissappointed, seeing me like this?" tanyaku.

"Seeing you alive is already a big luck to me. It is just that you are now looking mature and calm, I love it,"

"I am married, now," dia seharusnya sudah tahu ada cincin di jariku sejak dia terus menggenggamnya. Ekspresiku datar, tidak tahu apa yang kurasakan pula sekarang.

Dia tersenyum masih dengan pipinya yang memerah. Aku ingat sejak dahulu dia terlahir dengan kulit putihnya, sehingga saat mabuk seperti ini, warna kemerahan di pipinya terlalu mencolok.

Dia seakan tidak mendengarku dan masih tetap bermain-main dengan tanganku. Sesekali dia menyusupkan jarinya ke jariku, terkadang menggenggam kencang-kencang tanganku dan setelah itu dia menepuk-nepukkan tanganku ke pahanya.

"I said that I am married," aku melepas tanganku yang terus dipegangnya sambil menunjukkan cincin yang kupakai tepat di depan matanya.

"So what?" Balasnya. Dia menatapku tanpa ada ekspresi sama sekali. "You rejected me before. You said you didn't love me and told me to go away. I did what you wanted. But it was only making me suffocated for 20 years. I only want to do what I always want to. Can't I see you even though you're married?"

"You can't," jawabku tegas.

"Can't I cherish you with all my love that I have?"

"You can't," balasku lagi, masih dengan nada tegas. Walaupun, apa yang kurasakan berbanding terbalik dengan apa yang kutunjukkan.

"Can't we meet each other, even just as friends?"

Aku meliriknya. Friends do not fall in love with each other.

"You can't. Moreover, I will be back in 2 weeks,"

"Where to?"

Aku meliriknya lagi. Matanya setengah terpejam setengah terbangun. Lagipula aku tidak menyangka setelah 2 minggu kembali ke tempat asalku, aku bertemu dengan orang ini.

"A small city," jawabku.

"Where?" Dia memaksa.

"I don't want to tell you,"

"So this is true. You hide yourself from me. I wonder why is it so hard to find you everywhere," jawabnya. "I looked for every name in every magazine, hoping that I might know where you worked. But I found nothing. I searched everywhere to look for you. I thought you lived abroad,"

Aku tertawa. He thinks too highly of me.

[One Shot] The Magnetic Force of Misery

Kami berdua tersenyum. Menyadari betapa kacaunya kehidupan yang kami miliki.

Di persimpangan ini, kami bertatapan satu sama lain, mencoba berdialog bisu. Sampai salah satu dari kami, aku, tertawa karena menyadari bahwa tidak perlu satupun kata untuk mengerti apa yang terjadi.

"Do you know what I like about reincarnation theory?" ujarnya.

Aku melihat bagaimana tubuhnya melayang bagai tidak ada satupun masalah yang mengganggunya.

"It gives us hope for a better chance to live in this beautiful yet horrible world,"

...
 

..
 

.

Hanya sebuah momen hening bagiku mencoba mengartikan segala kekacauan ini. Apa yang terjadi? Apa yang membuat kami bisa berakhir seperti ini?

"No, I am not giving you a goodbye, because I believe that we will meet in next chance,"

"You will not be resurrected. A suicide man is not approved," jawabku, mencoba tenang.

Dia hanya tersenyum. "I am not ending my own life," matanya terpejam sebentar. "I am letting myself to live,"

Dan kini langkahnya menghilang. Tidak ada lagi tatapan pelik yang menggangguku, sampai bisa membuat aku selalu lupa akan masalahku sendiri. Namun yang ada hanyalah beribu pertanyaan mengenai kematiannya. Apa maksudnya kali ini?

Si bodoh ini. Aku harap dia benar-benar tidak pernah kembali ke dunia ini!

Dan walaupun reinkarnasi itu ada, kuharap aku tidak akan pernah bertemu dengan sosok sepertinya lagi!

*****

[One Shot] Bad Habit

It is already my habit to lean on someone. 

“Jules, come on!” panggilnya sambil berteriak kencang.

Aku tersenyum saat melihatnya. “I am coming!” balasku dengan teriakan yang tidak kalah kencangnya.

And it is also my habit to grow such annoying feelings toward someone that I lean on to.

“What is it, Vic?” tanyaku saat mendekatinya.

Dia tersenyum begitu lebarnya. “You are slowing me down! We need to pass the gate before 7!” dia berlari sambil menarik tanganku.

Will you be annoyed by this feeling too, if I tell you the truth?

Aku mencoba mengatur napasku dan jantung yang terus berdegup kencang. Entah apakah karena berlari atau karena tangan kami yang saling bersentuhan.

“Hey! What are you thinking, huh?” aku tidak sadar setelah dia melambaikan tangannya kepadaku.

Saat melihat keadaan sekitar, aku baru menyadari bahwa kami baru saja berhasil masuk ke sekolah tepat waktu dan tidak akan dihukum. Aku tersenyum lega.

“I can’t believe that I won’t be punished today,” sulit dipercaya, aku berhasil masuk sekolah tepat waktu. Sesuatu yang sangat mustahil bagiku. Selama 3 bulan bersekolah, aku tidak pernah bisa datang lebih dari pukul 8. Entah mengapa aku pun tidak ingin berusaha keras untuk datang tepat waktu.

“Don’t worry, I will come to your place every day from now on, okay?”

Aku melihatnya dalam-dalam, lalu mengangguk.

But first, let me ask you one thing, what is your intention? What is your reason to come into my world, exactly?

*****

“Dude, seriously, why can’t you get up early?” dia berbaring di kasurku dengan seragam dan pakaian yang sudah sangat rapi.

Aku meliriknya dari balik kaca. Dengan sangat malas aku bersiap-siap dan berpakaian.

“I don’t have any motivation to come to school,”

“Nonsense? Are you okay for being punished, like every day?”

Aku mengangkatnya agar bangun dari kasur. “Rather than cutting down my sleep hours,”

“But you can sleep early the day before,”

“That is not the point, I am not a morning person, and sunshine is killing me,”

“What?” aku tahu, dia sangat suka bangun pagi dan beraktivitas sesegera mungkin. Dia terlalu berkebalikan denganku.

“Come on, or we will be late again,” aku menariknya keluar kamar dan kami berjalan kaki.

Waktu yang kami miliki masih cukup banyak sehingga kali ini kami berjalan sangat santai.

“Isn’t it good, walking like this?” aku melihat langkahnya begitu ringan dan ekspresinya senang bukan main.

Aku meliriknya saat dia juga melirikku.

“The weather is perfect, the road is quiet, and we have a lot of time!”

“I don’t get what you mean,”

“Morning is the best time of a day, if you waste it only for sleeping, you lose too much, dude,”

“Hey,” aku berhenti sebentar dan dia ikut berhenti. “I told you, not everyone is a morning person. I feel so weak and sick now,”

Dia tertawa. “I was never be a morning person at all. But one day I was done getting punishment every day so I tried to get up early. I thought that I overcame one of my weakness and I want you to achieve that also,”

“Why?” tanyaku.

Dia menoleh ke arahku saat dia sedang mengamati pepohonan di taman yang sedang kami lewati.

“Why should I achieve it?” tambahku.

“Why?” dia malah mengulangi pertanyaanku. “It is simply because you have no positive energy, so I am giving it to you now!” dia tertawa dan aku tidak kuasa untuk tidak tersenyum. Namun kutahan. Karena aku tahu ekspresiku akan sangat aneh baginya.

Ah… Apakah sudah saatnya aku untuk mengumpulkan seluruh energi positif darinya?

“So…” suaraku sedikit pelan karena ragu. Namun karena dia pun tidak berbicara dan kami baru saja melalui sebuah taman yang sepi, dia memperhatikanku dengan seksama.

Melihatnya membuatku merasa tidak peduli akan apapun.

“Since I have no motivation at all, should we make one?”

Dia masih memperhatikanku.

“If I don’t receive any punishment for being late forever, what will you give me?”

“What do you want?” balasnya, tertarik.

Your heart, actually. “I want you not to visit me every morning but a breakfast on my desk every morning,”

“Deal,” ucapnya, dengan cepat.

Tidak mungkin aku langsung berterus terang mengenai apa yang kumau darinya. Dia pasti menganggapku hanya sebagai sahabat, dan aku tidak mau kehilangan sahabatku hanya karena memaksakan kehendakku sendiri.

Aku harus menunggu hingga waktu terbaik tiba, atau disaat aku akan merasa bosan dengan perasaan ini.

“Is that easy for you?” jawabku.

“Making you breakfast? You don’t specifically tell me what to prepare, so I can randomly buy any bread and milk, it’s easier than coming to your house,”

“Then why are you still coming to mine?”

“I care you, dude. It will be too boring if I wait you at class instead,”

Tetapi orang ini bukan tipe yang memilih berteman dengan satu orang saja. Dia terkenal di seluruh kelas bahkan angkatan sebagai anak yang ramah. Kenapa harus aku?

Why me?

Pertanyaan tersebut selalu datang ke benakku, tetapi aku sama sekali tidak berani untuk menanyakannya lagi.

Is it wrong that I expect a romance between us, really?

*****

[One Shot] At The Most Desperate Moment of Our Times

Tertawa. Kemudian terdiam.

Lalu tersenyum. Dan berpisah.

Suatu hari, di kala masa terpurukmu dan kau sendirian, apa yang sebaiknya dilakukan selain bunuh diri?

Pertanyaan di dalam diri ini terngiang begitu saja. Padahal belum sempat aku menurunkan tanganku yang melambai kepada seseorang di seberang sana.

Bukan sendiri yang memaksamu bunuh diri. Tapi kesepian, yang tidak bisa terobati walaupun seseorang datang memelukmu dan menemanimu sepanjang waktu.

Aku berjalan pulang sambil membiarkan dua sisi dalam diriku berdiskusi terus menerus. Yang mereka bahas hanya kesepian dan bunuh diri.

Karena tidak ada kebahagiaan yang mampu memuaskanmu. Tidak dengan tawa kosong dan senyuman itu. Bohong kalau kau menikmatinya dan berpura-pura baik-baik saja.

"Hey," aku mencari sumber suara tersebut. "Ice cream," panggilnya.

Walaupun dengan gerutu, aku mengikutinya. Di malam yang dingin ini, kami menikmati es krim yang tidak kalah dinginnya.

"Rasa apa?"

"Kebahagiaan," jawabku asal. Dia memberiku rasa yang sama seperti miliknya.

"Dingin sekali, sialan," dia menggerutu padahal dia sendiri yang mengajak makan es krim.

Aku meliriknya. "Aku mau rasa yang membuatku bahagia, bukan yang kecut seperti ini," rasa markisa rupanya.

"Bodoh, rasa apapun asal bersamaku pasti membuatmu bahagia,"

Ya... Ya... Terserah dia saja. Walau mengeluh, aku tetap menghabiskan es krim itu. Rasanya menghilangkan kejenuhanku seharian ini. Not bad.

"Hey," panggilku. "Ada apa denganmu sampai mengajakku kesini?"

Dia tertawa sebentar. "Aku hanya bosan dan ingin pergi keluar,"

"Jangan pikir aku orang yang paling tidak ada kerjaan di dunia ini sepertimu ya,"

"But you're here,"

Aku menjilati es krimku lagi. Rasanya kecut namun ada sedikit manis terakhirnya. Kalau saja orang ini tidak ada untuk berbagi kesepianku ini, apa yang mungkin kulakukan?

"Kupikir malam ini yang tepat untuk bunuh diri,"

"Kupikir juga begitu, tapi tiba-tiba rasa es krim ini terngiang-ngiang di kepalaku. Rupanya aku masih merindukan banyak hal nanti,"

Saat memperhatikannya, aku baru menyadari banyak hal. Kalau pada akhirnya aku tidak ada, kepada siapa lagi dia akan membagi malam sepi seperti sekarang ini.

Apa sebenarnya itu sudah menjadi salah satu tujuan hidupku?

"Apa yang kau tertawakan?" Aku tidak sadar kalau pikiran-pikiran itu membuatku menertawakan diri sendiri.

"Kalau aku tidak ada dan kau sedang ingin makan es krim, siapa yang akan kau ajak kesini?"

"Aku akan makan di kuburanmu," jawabnya. "Lagipula memangnya kau pikir di bawah sana tidak akan semakin kesepian? Aku lebih takut kesepian disana dan tidak bisa makan apapun yang aku mau,"

"Mungkin benar juga," aku tertawa. Menertawakan malam ini dengan segala perbincangan bodoh yang tidak jelas arahnya.

Setelah es krim kami habis, kami langsung pulang dan berhenti di persimpangan untuk berpisah.

"Jangan malam ini. Besok aku ingin makan daging yang banyak," ucapnya.

Aku mengangguk. Dia tidak perlu khawatir untuk itu.

Tuhan seperti sedang menamparku. Di saat aku terlalu mengeluh kesepian, rupanya aku tidak sesepi itu. Mungkin kehidupanku lebih sibuk dari kebanyakan orang, dan juga banyak orang yang mengelilingiku.

Hanya saja aku yang terlalu rakus akan perhatian namun tidak mau memperhatikan orang lain.

"Hey," aku meneleponnya bahkan saat belum sampai di rumah. "Daging mana yang enak besok?"

Karena kalau kau ingin bunuh diri dan merasa depresi, kau tidak mungkin menantikan esok hari, bukan?

On My Way to Set Up a Heartbreak Club

Hi.

Good day to you and I wish that you all have a very good start to become a better person in this new year. This is me again. With all of useless thing that I want to share to you.

I recently realized that this blog is full of sadness, unclear emotion, and too abstract. Is it really that I have no intention of creating happiness here? Or is this already considered as a happy ending to me? What is my objection at the end?

I must admit that I hate a sad ending, I hate conflict, that may be one of reasons that I tend to create a "flat" story with less climax since I hate to put one. I always failed to finish a long story, and I don't really know if I am good at this or not. But all I know is that I need to do this as one of my breather. I treated each story as a milestone that marked the emotion I faced during the period.

But I now see the pattern. It is always about unrequited feeling, a loudest silence (p.s I am in love with this phrase nowadays) and the longing mind of the heroine. Because to me, it is harder to create such a happy ending instead of what I've done. I never felt amused when reviewing a happy story, or even how to end it happily. Am I peculiar? Or does it mean that I am not happy in reality? I don't know either.

Maybe it is because I cannot define what is happiness. To me, happiness is too broad and general. But again, I can proudly say that I am happy enough to be what I am now. This is too funny, my mind is too messed up, isn't it?

Well, I just want to let you know, that I admit most of stories that I posted here are too identical, coincidentally. I don't know if I would like to find a different approach. It will up to my mood, but then, a girl's mood cannot be predicted. So you have to accept it after all.

Wow, too much talk.

I now have to leave. I really faced such a writer's block now. Pray with me that I am going to be fine and post various idea from now on, okay?

But again, here I share to you what I found during my trip to Seoul, located in Understand Avenue, near Seoul Forest Park. It said "worrying solves nothing" which is true.

I learned to not worry over unnecessary thing. And I am still trying to. I was that type of person who used to over-think everything, but I learned how bad it was, how it affected myself, my mind, my personal life, my viewpoint, everything. Now since IDGAF of any unnecessary matter, I feel free at a certain point.