[One Shot] Loneliest Hours

An overwhelmed feeling.

I tried to enjoy the day. Even though the very first time that I want was to talk, but I chose not to. I didn't know to whom I should talk to, and what to talk to.

I like him.

Behind the event happened today, I just wanted to tell him that I like him. But on the other side I realized that this feeling is too one-sided

But I hate him.

Because to end this feeling, by any means, it would be too risky. Every option that I had would only make one of sides disappointed. And I didn't know what to sacrifice. 

Maybe I should really abandon this feeling.

Although every time I closed my eyes and hoped someone to call, he was the one that I hope for. Or every time I sat alone in a table for two, his shadow was the one that cross my mind.

He came in an unexpected time, and like everyone knows, whoever comes will go sooner or later. But for this time, this person, I knew it early when he was going to go. But still, when the day came I was not ready to overcome it.

And I also hate myself.

Knowing the one thing I want the most was to meet him again, I was hating myself more and more. But still, I reached to him and quickly ran to him.

"I am moving out in two weeks, thank you, for everything,"

That voice, that stare. Those kind of words were finally coming out. A word of separation.

"Okay, good luck then, thank you for everything too,"

I tried to calm myself. To let this feeling away for just a moment. Even though today I was prepared to confess, I couldn't do it at the end.

Every mixed feelings that I had in early morning has nothing left. I like you. That 3 words always got stuck inside, and I knew if it's not now, there will be no time anymore.

But still, I was spacing out, figuring out what to do. Should I cherish the time I had left with him as a friend only, or should I risk our relationship that may end up in an instant, which means losing him earlier than it would be.

I knew it well you only see me as nothing but a dear friend. That was also the biggest mistake of mine to set no boundary from the start. Oh, I was such a whiner, maybe being just friends were my only best option. 

"Take care of yourself,"

His eyes. Your eyes. That kind of eyes that was warmly staring at me. Argh... I was going crazy. I couldn't lose him now, and forever.

But then, who am I to stop him? If I said that I liked him, he wouldn't gladly tell me that he loves me too. What a dreamer. I watched too many romantic movies already.

"Ah!!"

I randomly screamed when I started to realize that he is going away from my sight.

"I mean... I..."

What a coward. I stuttered, even I could hear my shortened breath. My heart was pounding hard. I must find courage!

"I can't live without you,"

Is it bad? Did my choice of words are okay?

He looked at me again, smiling. "What do you mean? You're not a toddler, you'll be fine on your own,"

"What am I to you?" I finally asked. Yes, you coward whiner! Go on!

He stared at me, looking confused.

"To me, you're not only a best friend, I mean, I really can't live without you, even I can't see myself living if you're not around"

He still straightly stares at me, slowly approaches me.

"No, don't..."

"You're not going anywhere, you must stay here with me,"

He gently patted my head. "So the rumor is true? Is it true that you..."

 

Should I Tell This Only to Myself? Someone? Anyone? or Even Everyone?

Hi,

I'm here again. It's been months since we all trapped in our home and the world is not going to heal in a flash. I am not going to complaint or argue about the current condition anymore. but I have something important to talk about.

There is something that I feel like I need to discuss about, but I don't know where to start. 

Long story short, during the pandemic, I recently read an article. It's a new article, talking about the society and their mindset to a social issue. The article is based on an old article that is quite popular in some specific communities, and it added some examples or depiction of people who are in such situation.

I recently realized that their perspective or mindset they were experiencing matched to me so much. The article was really impacted me, and I ended up agreeing almost every words in it. It was like you finally found some pieces that you left the spaces blank, simply because you didn't have those around. It should be meant to the answers of many question that went through your head, about why the society and yourself couldn't match properly.

I was given some insights, which led me to another conclusion, that would let me explore what kind of person I am truly inside. I wouldn't say that the article was fully right. But to the very least, I knew that I was not the only wrong person on earth.

So these days, I would like to have a journey to know my own self, what kind of monsters I am having inside and whether I would show it to my circle, or not in a million years ever.

Even though I had some new insights, it didn't mean I finally found the answers of everything. I also didn't know which group should I belong to, am I still a majority or not, or even how to live on. But, I would love to take more journey to find another answer for the rest of million questions in my head.

And that would be bad, since I need to have a talk to someone. It could be someone, that you trust the most, who has an open mind and broaden your insight. Or maybe it could be anyone, considering that you will reveal your true self to 'someone you know' is such a risk, any random stranger or acquaintance may be better. Or should I just tell everyone and let them have their own opinion.

I tried, though. I talked to someone, and it didn't really effective. Maybe I chose wrong person, or maybe I haven't constructed the detail enough so they didn't grasp the situation. Or maybe, that is exactly the answer. You have a different way of thinking than majority of people.

They just don't get it. And another part of they in the article "get" me. Would it make me as a part of they? Well, I couldn't say much for it. There was no proof that made me sure before. 

Perhaps there is another group which is in between they and they, that clicks me better.

And I am afraid, honestly. The world and the society that we all live could not really tolerate such difference. Just a simple question of doubt that you had inside would alarm them, then ended up telling you to do this or that instead, which never be the answer. And I always lived most of the time to be the same person as anyone thought of me.

Perhaps it's time to tell that I am too tired of every sh*t they always told me.

But still, to live differently, I see that as such a privilege that I crave the most.

A kind of living that I try to fulfill, and proudly live as I always want, that's only a dream.

Oh, maybe I should not to blame the society too much. After all, I am always the part of society, a type of person that is too apathetic and never speak up against. I guess we are all to blame of every f*cked up things that happened, no?

And all this messy words showed that I actually never have a nerve to speak loudly. I didn't even tell you all what kind of article that I read, and what kind of perspective that clicked me.

I always said that I need to make sure of everything first before telling to everyone. But at the end, nothing really conveyed and I am still me, still the same person that I showed from the very start.

But now, tell me, how to have a proper discussion of this issue?

How to broaden the horizon?

How to break the bonds?

Whom should I talk to?

How to make them get me though?

Or should I talk over to myself only, as I used to?

[Recommendation] Hottest Anime of The Year! "My Next Life as a Vilainess: All Routes Lead to Doom"

Hi.

It's me again.

Since we are all staying at home and nothing to do to amuse myself, I decided to be active in blogging. Well, to say that I have "nothing-to-do" may be wrong, because I have a lot of work and deadlines, but hey, WORK LIFE BALANCE, please! So I tried to get away from my work related as best I can do during weekends.

This time, unusually, I wanted to recommend an anime that I recently watched. I am writing this recommendation while waiting for the new episode coming up. So, I don't want to miss the moment to happily review it to you all.

My Next Life as a Vilainess: All Routes Lead to Doom or in japanese is Otome Game no Hametsu Furagu Shika Nai Akuyaku Reijou ni Tensei Shitteshimatta, but please call it simply as Hamefura, is an ongoing anime that I watched the trailer on Animax first then got captivated easily after. It is an isekai anime with hillarious scene and adding a reverse harem! Hell yeah! Why should I miss this gem?

Quoted from myanimelist website, the synopsis is as below,

Most people would prefer being the protagonist of a world full of adventure, be it in a game or in another world. But, unfortunately, a certain girl is not so lucky. Regaining the memories of her past life, she realizes that she was reborn in the world of Fortune Lover—one of the games she used to play.

Unfortunately, the character she was reincarnated into—Katarina Claes—is the game's main antagonist, who faces utter doom in every ending. Using her extensive knowledge of the game, she takes it upon herself to escape from the chains of this accursed destiny.

However, this will not be an easy feat, especially since she needs to be cautious as to not set off death flags that may speed up the impending doom she is trying to avoid. Even so, to make a change that will affect the lives of everyone around her, she strives—not as the heroine—but as the villainess.

Now let's take a look at the promotional poster!

I was actually surprised to myself, thinking that I might be away from a romance story (other than BL) for quite a long time, but realized that I got hooked on this anime even from its 1st episode! My number one Isekai favorite is Scum Villain's Self Saving System (Hell yeah BingQiu!) and I am indeed interested to this kind of genre. But still, you will notice the repetitive plot from some Isekai story then get tired of it. So, what you need to look for an Isekai story is the lovable characters and how the plot is developed.

Hamefura is a complete package for me. As a girl, it must be very lovely to watch a reverse harem, where all ikemens are in love with the main cast. Although, reverse harem can be super boring, like Diabolik Lovers, but please don't talk about it, let's put that only as a bad example. I was not really a fan of it and already took down on the first episode.

So what went wrong in Diabolik Lovers is the female lead and how all ikemens are surrounding her without any effort. Nope, not my ideal.

But Catarina Claes, the female heroine of Hamefura is very lovable. She is active, persistent, and super dense. Since she was the antagonist of the game and in order to survive, she would do anything to prevent herself to the doom. So she approached other main characters in her own way, and also catched their hearts without her knowing. But the adding points of Hamefura is when the female characters are also hooked on the main cast. She really created her own harem!

Now let's review each point!

Best Wishes & Prayers From Me!

Hi,

I know, 2020 is really not a good year for most of us. When I wrote the new year post, I didn't imagine that this year would be this bad. But, let's be positive and make all of these as a time to contemplate more about our life.

At least, to me, it may be bad but it's not really that bad as I thought. I got to work from home, which was weird at first but now I am very used to it and even being too comfortable. I spent most of times with families, put all of my focus on food more, and also, in this Ramadhan, I could pray more which was better than last year.

I may become a quite different person in both personal and professional life. I could even manage my stress better now. Since there are less things to focus on during this WFH time, thus I worried less.

I once targeted myself to travel to Shanghai this year. But as you all know, due to this Corona Virus, it is almost impossible for me to go even until end of 2020, and it is applied also to any place I ever wished to go. But then again, I took my time to contemplate, maybe there is a reason why this all happened. To me, traveling is kind of a hunger to satisfy, so I impetuously decided to travel most of the time. But this time, I want to ensure that I have a plan and kind of goal to accomplish, to make sure that I spend the effort and money well. I think the virus and what happened to the world right now are an eye opener to me, to be more focus on my own priority.

Well, look how positive I become due to 3 months of staying at home!

And also, if you know me in real life, I am not that type of person who actively engage in a group of people or community. I also never send greetings for any big occasion, to anyone. The funny part is, I always created many greetings for some families to send to their relatives. But this time, I did it for the first time, for myself, and sending it to my own relative. I just thought that we all really need to pray hard and be kind to everyone to fight for this event.

Please take a look for my greetings and once again, Happy Eid Al-Fitr everyone!

I wish you all the strength to overcome this pandemic!

[One Shot] A Piece of Petal from the Withered Flower

Spring has come.

Aku berjalan dengan payung hitam yang kubawa dari rumah. Hujan deras sekali dan berangin. Benar-benar pagi yang buruk untuk memulai hari baru.

My spring has come.

Seseorang berjalan di depanku menghiraukan air hujan yang terus membasahi seragamnya. Dia memeluk diri sendiri karena kedinginan. Kepalanya tertunduk karena air dan angin menghalangi pandangannya.

Now I wonder, how about your spring?

"Bad day, huh?" Aku berbagi payungku dengannya, gadis itu. Dia memandangiku. Wajah yang sama sekali tidak kukenal. Hanya seragamnya yang bisa kuketahui. Setidaknya aku tahu tujuan kami pasti sama.

Dia tersenyum lirih. Aku yakin dia berkata terima kasih namun suaranya terhalang oleh derasnya hujan dan deruman mobil di jalanan.

Bulan ini sudah memasuki musim semi, namun mengapa hujan deras merusak musim yang indah ini?

Aku dan gadis itu berpisah di sebuah koridor. Baju gadis itu sudah terlanjur basah. Tasnya juga tidak tahan air dan aku yakin seluruh isinya kebasahan.

"Hei," panggilku saat dia baru beberapa langkah pergi. "Pakai ini," aku melempar baju olahragaku. Hari ini hujan deras, tidak mungkin di pelajaran olahraga nanti aku masih harus bersalin. "Kalau kau sudah selesai pakai, tidak usah dicuci, kembalikan saja ke kelas 11-2,"

"Ah, namaku Karl, kalau kau mau tahu," ucapku sambil pergi meninggalkannya lebih dahulu. 

Esok hari, gadis itu berdiri di depan pintu kelasku dan menyerahkan seragam olahragaku. Tentu saja dia sudah mencucinya walaupun aku berkata tidak usah. Wangi deterjen dan pewanginya melekat di seragamku. Aku berterima kasih sudah mengembalikan milikku.

"Hei," aku memanggilnya yang melangkah pergi. "Kau belum memberitahu nama dan kelasmu," ucapku. Bukannya aku sangat memaksa, namun aneh saja kalau nanti kami bertemu dan tidak tahu namanya.

Dia hanya tersenyum dan tidak berkata apa-apa. Aku hanya berpikir mungkin ini akan menjadi kali terakhir kami bertemu sehingga dia tidak merasa perlu memberitahu namanya.

And that's how I finally met my own spring...

******

Senyumanku merekah lebar.

Aku bertemu dengannya lagi di sebuah halte bus. Karena harus mengerjakan beberapa persiapan untuk acara tahunan, aku sengaja berangkat pagi dari biasanya. Rupanya gadis itu juga menaiki bus yang sama sepertiku.

Pagi itu, aku merasa matahari sudah terbit dengan cerahnya meski langit begitu gelap.

Dia melihatku di balik kerumunan orang yang menunggu. Mungkin dia menyadari sedang diperhatikan. Saat mata kami bertemu, dia hanya tersenyum sebentar. Setelah itu, dia menundukkan kepalanya sedikit dan kembali fokus ke jalanan.

Aku tidak tahu apa yang harus kulakukan. Selang beberapa menit, bus kami datang. Aku duduk di paling belakang sedangkan dia berada di depan. Meski tahu bahwa ada aku, dia tidak berusaha menyapa sama sekali.

Kami turun di halte yang sama dan berjalan ke arah yang sama. Karena masih sangat pagi, jalanan masih begitu sepi. Aku bertanya-tanya apakah dia juga menjadi panitia acara, tetapi kalau iya tidak mungkin aku tidak menyadari keberadaannya selama ini.

Saat sudah memasuki area sekolah, aku ingin sekali mencari tahu letak kelasnya. Namun hanya ada kami berdua dan dia berjalan ke arah yang berbeda dengan kelasku, sehingga aku mengurungkan niat. Aku tidak mau dianggap seperti stalker nantinya.

Tugasku hari ini banyak sekali. Saat waktu istirahat tiba, aku langsung menyambar kantin untuk membeli makan siang dan lanjut ke kelas. Aku cukup terkejut saat melihat ada gadis itu lagi di depan kelasku. Dia sedang berbicara dengan salah satu teman sekelasku. Dari caranya memandang, dia nampak menikmati pembicaraan mereka.

Mengapa dia berada di depan kelasku? Mengapa dia berbicara dengan temanku dengan santainya? Apa yang dia lakukan tadi? Mengapa dia nampak tidak terganggu dengan keberadaanku?

Meski aku mencoba menahan diri untuk tidak memperhatikan lebih lama lagi, makan siangku terasa tidak fokus. Berbagai pertanyaan di dalam pikiranku memaksa untuk dijawab. Saat temanku, Walter sudah kembali ke tempatnya, aku masih tidak berani bertanya perihal gadis itu,

"Siapa tadi?" tanya salah satu temannya yang ikut memperhatikan mereka.

Walter hanya tersenyum. Dia tidak berbicara banyak dan hanya mengambil beberapa buku lalu kembali pergi keluar. Sialan, dia meninggalkan sebuah bias. Kini seluruh temannya menganggap kalau gadis itu adalah pacar Walter.

Her hidden smile that she showed was punctured deeply inside me.

One thing for sure,

I still didn't know her name till now.

[Recommendation] Heaven Official's Blessing: When Love is Invented and Described as Their Own (And I Don't Have Objection At All)

Welcome to my life.

This time I will happily and willingly recommend you a title that changed my life, entirely. So, I confided what happened to myself in the past year. Well, not my whole life but a major part of my life. Right, being a Fujoshi. And nowadays, being one of them is absolutely my middle name. I am immersed too deeply in this world.

And this title is actually the most and recently finished book that I read. This is actually a popular title, considering that now there will be adapted donghua (animation) and ongoing manhua of it. The fandom is also very huge. Trust me, even if you are finished reading the book already, the fandom will shower you many things to satisfy your thirst.

Long story short, this is another Mo Xiang Tong Xiu novel, the author of the renowned Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation novel (or Mo Dao Zu Shi), which "The Untamed" Chinese Drama is adapted from. I fell in love with the drama first actually then decided to read the book instead. Hell yeah, the book was an eye opener to me, that lead me to discover the fandom of both novel and the drama. From that, I got to know there are other novels by MXTX author, then I decided to read them also.

Even before I decided to read it, I had a hunch that I would love it so much, and I was right. I fell in love way too deeply with this title, even comparing to previous one (MDZS) that introduced me to this kind of world.

So, let's start talking about this one.

The title is Heaven Official's Blessing, 天官赐福 (Tiān Guān Cì Fú). I will start to shorten it as TGCF instead, okay?

Cited from NovelUpdates (this is my recent visited websites), here is the summary:

Eight hundred years ago, Xie Lian was the Crown Prince of the Xian Le kingdom. He was loved by his citizens and was considered the darling of the world. He ascended to the Heavens at a young age; however, due to unfortunate circumstances, was quickly banished back to the mortal realm. Years later, he ascends again–only to be banished again a few minutes after his ascension.

Now, eight hundred years later, Xie Lian ascends to the Heavens for the third time as the laughing stock among all three realms. On his first task as a god thrice ascended, he meets a mysterious demon who rules the ghosts and terrifies the Heavens, yet, unbeknownst to Xie Lian, this demon king has been paying attention to him for a very, very long time.

Honestly, I reread the summary for countless time and didn't understand a thing at first. Since I was new to this Wuxia-Xianxia novels before and totally blank for this kind of fiction, I was never interested when reading the summary. The same goes for MDZS. But luckily I still decided to try reading it first, or else, I might regret in my whole life to skip such a greatest story of all time.

And so for a new-starter, there are some basic thing that maybe you have to know before entering this kind of world,

1. Please familiarize yourself to Cultivation world first.

As a non-Chinese or someone that have no knowledge about cultivation world, it will confuse you about the basic term or the plot line. I am also not a master of this and still trying to understand the whole situation.

I am thankful enough to start learning it from watching The Untamed and MDZS donghua so I could portray and illustrate in my mind when reading the novel after. Well, how can I imagine when it tells that they are riding their sword... Like how can that happen? My past self could not even imagine how ridiculous it was (before).

But MDZS is a Wuxia novel, and TGCF is a Xianxia novel. Please... Please look for the differences by yourself. In my honest opinion, I am doing a nice approach, to start with Wuxia (martial art) then proceed to Xianxia (more about immortality, like the next step of Wuxia).

TGCF is telling about the 3 realms, Heavenly Realm, Human Realm, and Demon Realm. Please put your understanding of this kind of fiction. Even after understanding the Wuxia world, I was still struggling while being amazed with this Xianxia world. So my understanding is, there are two kind of person, a normal person (like all of us) and cultivator person, who studies cultivation in order to gain immortality. And then if you are worthy enough after gaining immortality, you will be likely to ascend as Heavenly God. Then, if a person died horribly with deep hatred, he/she can become a ghost/demon. What a whole new world (at least to me).

2. There will be many new terms that you may need to take notes.

I told you, like Dianxia, Shidi, Shixiong, Shijie, Shizun, and so on. But usually the translator will put the meaning first before use it as its original word later. But then, once you are familiar with the term, you can't help but saying those words as if it is your own language.

3. The list of characters are lining up, memorize it precisely.

This is also the great pain in the ass. The name of persons will be too many for you to memorize, for start. Usually I saved the list of characters (like a cheat sheet) and took a peek before I memorized them all. Moreover, a person can bear at least two names, the birth name and the courtesy name. To make it more complicated, even TGCF added one more name, the name of their palace (if they are Heavenly Gods, they have each palace/temple) and usually called by them. So at least three for each. 

(Maybe that explained why I don't remember anything at all these days other than TGCF?)

Wow so many words already and I don't even start to review it? Okay, I will start then.

But let me put my favorite scene part from the donghua trailer first here,

(I like the horryfing atmosphere around but the main couple just appeared in the middle of it, calmly walked and closely together, like hell they care but each other)

Late New Year Message: A Look Back of 2019 and Such

Hi, hello again.

Even though that 2020 is just started and even not yet passed a month, I must admit that this whole year will pretty much be 2019.2. Since 2019 was not a very good year, but I still have a high hope for this year. Let's just be positive.

And I realized that I had many things to tell during 2019 but did not come up at the end. So I just grab the draft and put it here, then added some words also.

First report of 2019.

I failed to suppress my impulsivity and aborted the mission already. It turned out that if I refrain myself, I thought that I would somehow lost my identity. I felt that I was not accepting myself and there was no point of doing that anymore. I wanted to love myself more than doing anything that seemed the best. I tried to acknowledge that loving and accepting the real "you" can be considered as a big improvement.

So I, as a biggest supporter of myself, will support whatever my heart wants and yearn for. Whatever it is, however impulsive it is.

Oh yes, I would love to take a journey to another place again. I would let myself go wherever I want to. I want to live at the fullest. I want to have no regret at all.

Actually my biggest resolution for 2019 was not to spend my savings for traveling, again. I used up lots of them during 2018. Then I got upset knowing that I had no money savings at all. But then, turned out that I could not do it and ended up booking flight tickets.

That's when I realized that actually I cannot refrain myself to not travel since that is my passion. I feel so alive whenever I get started to plan the whole journey, as if I get a boost of life motivation. So the trick is, to split the my saving pocket between long term and short term plan. But to ask whether I am success for that... I am still figuring out.


Second report, and one of the main issue of the first quarter, is that I discovered a new world to obsess. This is already being my weakness and habit. To have at least something to obsess over.

If you know me well in real world, I always tend to be a devoted fangirl of something. It can be about a comic, novel, artist, or even idols. Once I laid my eyes on something, I become obsessed. But now, I learn that there is a chance of me to like this "kind of" world.

This world, even though at first I have never been interested, even questioned why people can be obsessed over it, but more I learn it, more interesting to me now. It provided me such a new insight, a new viewpoint, and get to learn a new culture. It can be a positive or negative approach, depends on how you see it. But I must say this insight are too interesting to learn since it is very different but somehow it is also quite familiar.

I once posted a Yaoi recommendation and my viewpoint about homosexual. I was "once or twice" okay with some BLs (from now on, let's use BL rather than Yaoi, okay?), but that's it. Then it took me such a long time and courage to finally accept that now I can be considered as a fujoshi.

You read it right. Fujoshi.

If you're not familiar with the word, Fujoshi is a term for a fangirl of BL genre. And I am one of them, with a condition, and I am strictly limited to certain BL I still have the same viewpoint as I had before. So my only condition is that, as long as the quality is there and it is not only lust. So, prepare yourself that I will post more about BL and recommend you any of them.

So, those two reports, two discoveries, which I gladly accept as a part of me. I will continuously live as an impulsive and a fujoshi, as long as I am enjoy with them. So 2020 is truly a 2019.2 even for my own self. I don't change much and also don't want to. I seek only happiness and pursue any desire. And that is how I want to spend my life with.

From a selfish person who wish to be more than before,


Please enjoy this year as much as you can.

[One Shot] A Silent Question Wandering Around My Head

Have I ever really loved you before?

I don't know.

Do I even love you now?

This also I don't know.

Aku memperhatikan beberapa orang belakangan ini. Bagaimana mereka menceritakan kenangan-kenangan di perjalanan hidupnya dan tertawa. Setidaknya tersenyum seolah kembali ke masa itu. Dan aku duduk mendengarkan, terkadang mencoba membayangkan apa yang terjadi.

Mereka menceritakan bagaimana pertemuan mereka dengan pasangannya, momen-momen menarik dan lucu.

Aku hanya tertawa sambil menikmati. Untuk tidak memiliki kesempatan bercerita saja sudah bersyukur. Aku tidak tahu harus menceritakan apa kepada mereka semua. Tepatnya, aku takut tidak mampu mengatur ekspresiku saat bercerita.

Apakah aku akan begitu antusias, tertawa, menertawai diri sendiri, tersipu-sipu?

Ataukah ekspresiku tetap kosong dan tidak berbeda, dan mereka mulai mencurigai sesuatu.

Do I have any memory of you that I cherished the most?

"Ya? Tidak... Aku baru saja selesai..."

Aku merapikan bawaanku ke tas sambil menjawab telepon darimu. Tidak lebih dari 3 kali dering, aku menjawab panggilan tersebut. Tetapi untuk menjelaskan apakah aku senang saat melihat namamu di kontak, aku tidak benar-benar bisa mengekspresikannya.

"Hmm. Oke, sampai jumpa,"

Aku mengantongi kembali ponselku dan berjalan menuju tempat yang disepakati. Kita berjanji untuk makan malam di sebuah restoran, dan di saat aku menemukan sosokmu, aku hanya melangkah terus mendekati. Sampai akhirnya aku duduk tepat di hadapanmu.

Disini, hanya kamu yang sangat bersemangat malam ini. Aku berkali-kali menahan letih dengan senyuman. Aku terus mendengarkan curhatannya tentang segala hal, lalu merespon seperlunya.

Mungkin karena beban pekerjaanku belakangan ini terlalu berat, sehingga tidak ada tenaga lagi untuk mengurusi hal-hal lainnya. Bahkan untuk sekedar meladenimu.

Ya, mungkin karena itu. Aku hanya ingin pulang dan tidur sampai pagi datang.

"Let's have a party!"

Masa-masa kritis di kantorku sudah lewat. Aku mulai bisa bernapas lega dan beberapa orang bermaksud merayakannya. Aku melirik Helga, yang tadi mengajakku.

"It wil be too loud. I'm not coming,"

Helga berbisik kepadaku, "Let's have a drink somewhere instead,"

Aku menangkap bahwa dia memahami apa yang kupikirkan sekarang dan langsung bersiap untuk pergi.

"Speak, if you don't speak up then I don't know what's on your mind,"

Aku dan Helga duduk di bar stool. Aku menghela napas dalam-dalam.

"Do you think I love Miranda?"

Helga melirikku. Dia kenal Miranda cukup baik. Diantara rekan kerjaku, Helga adalah salah satu yang mengenal kehidupan personalku.

"You doubt your own feeling or what?"

"I just feel lost. I don't know what I feel, is this right, or not,"

Dia tertawa. "You know, I admit I never love my husband. I also don't understand what is love, how is that feeling,"

"Yeah, I see some couples care each other dearly, and I wonder whether I can do it or not. I think it's too much a burden to care for Miranda as good as others," balasku.

"But you don't want to let go of her easily,"

Aku mengangguk. "To breakup with her is actually adding more problem, so I just keep her stay,"

"What a bastard you are," Helga cekikikan sambil meneguk minumannya. "But you actually took care of her enough, in my eyes,"

Aku melirik Helga dan menunggu penjelasannya.

"You never have to love her to care for her, as long as she is happy and she accepts you. What? Are you seeking for a romance now?"

"No, it's just that... I am confused. Isn't it unfair for her not to be loved as she deserves?"

Helga mengangguk keras. "That's why I call you a such a bastard. But since I've been in your position, maybe I can relate,"

Salah satu alasan aku menerima ajakan Helga adalah karena aku tahu bagaimana kehidupan rumah tangganya. Helga tidak pernah mencintai suaminya. Dia setuju menikah karena desakan usia dan sampai sekarang hubungan mereka tidak pernah meningkat lebih baik.

"It's not like you will die for not having a romance in your life, right? For me, I don't need to love my husband to live together with him. Just think of him as a roommate, or a friend to spend some lonely time, it's more than enough,"

"But what if I have a feeling of remorse to her?"

"For lying to her? For still choosing her even though you never love her? What are you implying to?"

"I don't know. I do regret to keep her around, to ignore every chance to get rid of her and stay like this for years. I just hate myself more and more every time I see her,"

"You don't want to be with her anymore?"

Aku mengangkat bahu. "I don't know either. I feel numb in my mind. Maybe it is because I know exactly what I want but I cannot achieve it,"

"What is it?"

"To live independently alone. I don't want Miranda or anyone to disturb me,"

Helga menepuk pundakku. "You are really good at knowing whom to talk to. That was what I actually yearned for, and here is a little bit advice, my dear friend. We live in a society that is not allowing us to do actually what we want. I didn't know if I am happy enough or feeling content in this kind of life. But, living together without love since I never seek any of that experience either is not a bad thing. And you don't have to be open with your feeling, just give them what they want, and it is enough,"

"Helga," aku memperhatikannya. "Did you tell him you love him?"

"I did, why? Of course it's a lie,"

Aku menggeleng. She was such a person. "No, you're very cool though,"

...
..
.
..
...

Miranda,

If one day you find out the truth, is this still okay?

If all of my dearly act is only half-heartedly, is it also still okay?
 

Till death do us part.

Pada saat aku masih bingung dengan semua pertanyaan di pikiranku, ucapan tersebut keluar dari mulutku.


*****

P.S.
What will you do if someone that you think loves you, is actually lying to you?
What will you do when you think that you are showered with love, but in truth you're not?